What NOT to say to Christian singles

I have some pretty incredible friends. And over the years, we've talked (and laughed) about all the weird things Christians say to singles.

So this post is a little commentary on what not to say to single people ... no matter how spiritual it may sound.

1. "All you need is a willing guy."

This comment was delivered to one of my good friends (who is happily dating now, by the way) in front of an entire graduate-level class at a Christian university where she (as one of the few single people) found herself the object of her classmates' curiosity.

This comment is wrong on so many levels--it basically implies that "willingness" to get married is the main quality my single friend should look for in a guy--but doesn't she deserve so much more? This comment implies that my beautiful, smart, fun, and amazing Christian friend is too much (or not enough?) for a cute, smart, fun and amazing Christian guy to handle--and that she should resign herself to someone who's just simply "willing." Ugh.

2. "Why is a great guy/girl like you still single?"

While intended to be complimentary, this question is annoying because:

• It implies that perhaps there's something wrong with the single person that's keeping them single (maybe ... but maybe they just haven't met the right person under the right circumstances).
  
  
• It implies that singleness is completely a choice up to the individual--as if one day you magically wake up and say, "I'm a great girl and I don't want to be single anymore" and then poof! Mr. Right shows up and wants to marry you. I've never seen it happen this way...
  
  
• Single people don't usually like to be reminded of their status. Asking this question is like saying, "Why does such a great person like you have X illness?" (and I used the word "illness" because I think that's how some dating/married people sadly view singleness).
  

3. "God must still be working on something in you before you get married."

This statment is probably true. But isn't God also continually working on all of us (married or single)? This statement implies that to be married, you must be completely mature (spiritually, emotionally, financially)--which is pretty much impossible with imperfect people. There are some things you probably should have in line before you get married...but it's impossible to be completely mature and perfect in every way.

4. "How old are you? You better get married soon before all the good ones are snatched up...and don't you want to have kids?"

Again, this comment implies that we are in complete charge of our (single/married/parental) status. Yes, odds are that "options" decline a bit after time. And most of us don't want to be first-time parents in our 40s. But isn't God bigger than any human timetable? Doesn't He know what's best for our lives? Speakers of these types of comments are not speaking out of faith, but out of fear or doubt in God's provision for their single friends.


5. "Singleness is a gift. Celebrate it."

Okay, I can see that the speaker here wants to be encouraging. Yes, when you're single, you have freedom to travel, volunteer more, make independent decisions, etc. But I don't think singleness itself is a gift--life is. Some people may feel called to a life of singleness (like the apostle Paul), but probably not the majority of us. If God put a desire in your heart to be married, you probably don't have that call. For you, singleness is a season. I think those of us in that boat should make the most of this single part of of our lives' journeys, but it doesn't mean we have to dig our heels firmly in and throw a (pretty lame!) party to celebrate singleness.