The Friends and Family Plan - Part 2: My Circle

Part of the "Friends and Family" discussion in my small group led to later conversations about different kinds of friendships we have in our lives.

I thought I'd continue a bit with my phone plan analogy to talk a bit about different kinds of friends in my world...

My Circle

All of us have a circle of relationships in our lives. I think of this as the broad category of my relationships, including all of the levels listed below.

As the Circle Turns?

One important thing about my circle? It changes over time. Relationships can be seasonal--for example, I have friends from TWU who played a big part in my life then. I value them--I love them. But there are some I haven't seen or talked with since graduation. There are others who were probably "myFaves" then that may have moved into more of the "Speed-dial Friends" level. And that's okay--I've probably changed levels in their circles as well.

Similarly, there are people I don't know yet or who might be at the phonebook or speed-dial levels of my circle today who may become some of the most significant relationships in my life (my future husband is probably the best example).

My circle (and yours) includes:

Phonebook-level Friends

Think of this as all the people in your cell's phonebook. It's broad. These tend to be people I know and value because we share some common interests or experiences--classmates, other church choir members, co-workers, etc. A few things to note:

• All friendships start at this level.
  It's important not to discount relationships at this level because they good be speed-dial friends or myFaves in the making.
  


• Influence is limited.
  At this level, I can have some influence on others and they can have some influence on
  me--but it's usually not lasting (though it could be meaningful for a moment or a season) or at a significant level of depth. At the phonebook level, influence could also be more one-sided.

Speed-dial Friends

Friendships at this level are tighter. It's usually a level where you can handle about 8-12 relationships at any given time period--the people you have on speed-dial or your "top 8" (if you're a mySpace person). Even Jesus had a smaller circle at this level--the 12 disciples.

• Common interests & experiences + values
  My friends at the speed-dial level not only share some of my interests and experiences, but they usually share my values. In my life, they may not necessarily be Christians at this level (most are), but we usually share some key values--e.g. honesty, integrity, respect, ambition, optimism, etc.



• Influence is mutual.
  Here, both people have an impact on each other's lives. I think this is why making sure your friends at this level share some of your core values.

myFaves

The myFaves level is my "core" group of friends. For most people, the myFaves level has about 3-4 people in it (if we look at Jesus as the model, his 3 were Peter, James & John).

• Common interests & experiences + values + commitment
  What separates this level from the others is a mutual commitment to the relationship. It involves time. It involves depth and accountability.
  
  
• Influence is undeniable.
  These are the people who shape your decisions. When something big is going on in your world, they are the ones you look to for guidance (and they look to you in the same way). These people know you--the real you. They celebrate your success and stick with you through hard times.
  

A few more thoughts on my circle:

• Keep it open.
  It's easy to get stuck in a mindset of "us four, no more" or to invest all your time with your myFaves or speed-dial friends. On the flip side, some people have a huge phonebook of friends, but don't move much beyond that with the depth of myFaves friends, for example. As I said before, your circle will change over time. It's important to work on relationships at all levels.
  
  
• Recognize when a relationship changes levels--and realize that it's probably okay.
  I think sometimes people try to hold on too much to some friendships, while not investing in new ones. For example, when I moved back home after college in Canada, I had to push myself to invest in people here instead of trying to constantly maintain deep friendships with people scattered all over the world post-graduation. For me, it's important that I have myFaves friends I can regularly talk to or spend time with--and that meant other relationships changed levels.
  
  
• "God-assigned" connections come at all levels.
  In our small group series on "Friends and Family," our pastor talks about God-assigned connections--people you know God puts into your life for a reason. One thing I've seen is that God-assigned connections come at all levels--not just the myFaves/future husband level. Even acquaintances can be God-assigned connections--maybe people who inspire you spiritually (even from a distance), connect you with a new job or make you laugh at just the right time.
  
  
• Who are you allowing to influence you?
  Notice the phrasing--relationships all involve choice (even with God-assigned connections--you can choose to embrace or ignore them). Guard your speed-dial and myFaves levels closely. Choose people who will have a positive influence on you. Especially if you're dating--attraction + common interests & experiences aren't enough. If you're a Christian, dating someone who shares your faith and core values is really essential--it's not just another part of the equation, but the foundation of what your God-assigned marriage should be built on.

Vulnerability

Vulernability has never been one of my favorite things. In my life, I'd much rather focus on strength ... but I think I'm learning that the two concepts may be intertwined. Let me explain ...

All relationships require some level of vulnerability. I'm not talking about the people who share sob stories to strangers in the grocery store or on the bus (that's a little extreme!).

What I mean is that you have to step out to talk to someone new. You make yourself vulnerable when you tell a joke, talk about God, share a goofy embarassing moment or discuss a political event. You're vulnerable when you share an original idea in a boardroom or at a small group meeting. You're vulnerable when you write something and share it with someone else (whether it's in a blog or a school assignment discussing your opinions).

But it's strange--that vulnerability can actually bring strength--either to you and your own personal growth or to a relationship. At the same time, vulnerability makes us ... well ... vulnerable. The more we put ourselves out there, the more we risk being criticized or let down.

But even with the risks, vulnerability is a necessary part of our lives--it's what bonds us together in real, genuine relationships. And relationshiops are key to who we are as people trying to fulfill lives of purpose and meaning.

When I think about tragic events, like the recent Virginia Tech massacre, one of the core lessons for our society is the importance of real, genuine friendships. The situation at Virginia Tech is a tragedy not only because of the innocent lives that were destroyed, but also because of one life--the life of one man--plagued by the destructive power of loneliness, depression and anger.

There is strength in the vulnerability friendship requires. Even though I still don't like the concept of vulnerability, I am grateful for the strength it has brought to friendships in my life.