Settlin', Strength and The Single Girl

It all started with a mid-life crisis ...

It's time for an intervention. My Mom and Dad are in a crisis ... a mid-life country music crisis. That's right--two people I love, the same sane (and amazing!) people who raised me, have an inexplicable newfound love of country music.

I have evidence--they regularly watch the music videos of their favorite artists. This summer, they went to a country music festival in Seattle (we told them, "No flame shirts allowed!"). And would you believe that after my Dad's heart surgery last year, his first music request was for some song called "Hillbilly Deluxe"? What has happened to turn the world upside down?

Mom and Dad are on a quest to convert my sisters and I into fellow country fans by introducing us to new-to-them songs and artists. One of Mom's favorites? A band called Sugarland. Yes, the name sounds a bit cheesy to those of us non-country converts out there. I would probably be drawn to the band more if they were named Chocolateland or something. :) But in all seriousness, I have to admit that some of their songs are actually ... good.

A song called "Settlin'"

Here are some of the lyrics to a Sugarland song called "Settlin'":

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything

And some strong single girls

The words to "Settlin'' came to mind recently because of a few situations and conversations I've had with different people. It all started when I saw this "good girl" spending some serious time and energy flirting with a "bad boy." Then there was a friend who told me that a guy said to her, "Guys are intimidated by girls like you--girls that are strong. Sometimes it's just easier to be with someone else." (And yes, I've heard similar stuff firsthand, myself.) Then there's another friend who is dating someone who has X, Y and Z qualities that are great, but doesn't have the same strong commitment to God or church (a non-negotiable quality for her).

And it made me wonder--how many people are working a job, in a relationship and living life in the status quo simply because it's easy, safe or comfortable?

It's never satisfying to dilute your strength, to cave in on your non-negotiable standards, to lose the core of who you are--for anything or anybody.

I really hope that in particular, the strong women I know never hold back strength in their personality, faith, intelligence or success because some wimpy guy is a bit intimidated by them. Flirting or falling for guys like that isn't worth your time. Instead of being scared or intimidated, they should step up, grow up and get some strength themselves.

I've seen enough great relationships in the lives of friends to know that the right guy will be strong enough to love you even if you're smart, confident or even if you (gasp!) are successful in your job and make more money than him--he might even love you because of your strength.

We're here on this planet to love God and to love people. To live in a way that honors our Creator by doing the best we can with what we've been given. You can't do that if you settle for less.

I'll leave you with a quote I found recently in a magazine related to this topic:

"Who knows
how many
wonderful world-changing, life-changing, fortune-changing or just day-changing ideas
bit the dust
because someone smart, talented and passionate
gave away
her power?"

~ Gail Blanke, "What are you waiting for?" Real Simple magazine. September 2007

What NOT to say to Christian singles

I have some pretty incredible friends. And over the years, we've talked (and laughed) about all the weird things Christians say to singles.

So this post is a little commentary on what not to say to single people ... no matter how spiritual it may sound.

1. "All you need is a willing guy."

This comment was delivered to one of my good friends (who is happily dating now, by the way) in front of an entire graduate-level class at a Christian university where she (as one of the few single people) found herself the object of her classmates' curiosity.

This comment is wrong on so many levels--it basically implies that "willingness" to get married is the main quality my single friend should look for in a guy--but doesn't she deserve so much more? This comment implies that my beautiful, smart, fun, and amazing Christian friend is too much (or not enough?) for a cute, smart, fun and amazing Christian guy to handle--and that she should resign herself to someone who's just simply "willing." Ugh.

2. "Why is a great guy/girl like you still single?"

While intended to be complimentary, this question is annoying because:

• It implies that perhaps there's something wrong with the single person that's keeping them single (maybe ... but maybe they just haven't met the right person under the right circumstances).
  
  
• It implies that singleness is completely a choice up to the individual--as if one day you magically wake up and say, "I'm a great girl and I don't want to be single anymore" and then poof! Mr. Right shows up and wants to marry you. I've never seen it happen this way...
  
  
• Single people don't usually like to be reminded of their status. Asking this question is like saying, "Why does such a great person like you have X illness?" (and I used the word "illness" because I think that's how some dating/married people sadly view singleness).
  

3. "God must still be working on something in you before you get married."

This statment is probably true. But isn't God also continually working on all of us (married or single)? This statement implies that to be married, you must be completely mature (spiritually, emotionally, financially)--which is pretty much impossible with imperfect people. There are some things you probably should have in line before you get married...but it's impossible to be completely mature and perfect in every way.

4. "How old are you? You better get married soon before all the good ones are snatched up...and don't you want to have kids?"

Again, this comment implies that we are in complete charge of our (single/married/parental) status. Yes, odds are that "options" decline a bit after time. And most of us don't want to be first-time parents in our 40s. But isn't God bigger than any human timetable? Doesn't He know what's best for our lives? Speakers of these types of comments are not speaking out of faith, but out of fear or doubt in God's provision for their single friends.


5. "Singleness is a gift. Celebrate it."

Okay, I can see that the speaker here wants to be encouraging. Yes, when you're single, you have freedom to travel, volunteer more, make independent decisions, etc. But I don't think singleness itself is a gift--life is. Some people may feel called to a life of singleness (like the apostle Paul), but probably not the majority of us. If God put a desire in your heart to be married, you probably don't have that call. For you, singleness is a season. I think those of us in that boat should make the most of this single part of of our lives' journeys, but it doesn't mean we have to dig our heels firmly in and throw a (pretty lame!) party to celebrate singleness.