The Friends and Family Plan - Part 2: My Circle

Part of the "Friends and Family" discussion in my small group led to later conversations about different kinds of friendships we have in our lives.

I thought I'd continue a bit with my phone plan analogy to talk a bit about different kinds of friends in my world...

My Circle

All of us have a circle of relationships in our lives. I think of this as the broad category of my relationships, including all of the levels listed below.

As the Circle Turns?

One important thing about my circle? It changes over time. Relationships can be seasonal--for example, I have friends from TWU who played a big part in my life then. I value them--I love them. But there are some I haven't seen or talked with since graduation. There are others who were probably "myFaves" then that may have moved into more of the "Speed-dial Friends" level. And that's okay--I've probably changed levels in their circles as well.

Similarly, there are people I don't know yet or who might be at the phonebook or speed-dial levels of my circle today who may become some of the most significant relationships in my life (my future husband is probably the best example).

My circle (and yours) includes:

Phonebook-level Friends

Think of this as all the people in your cell's phonebook. It's broad. These tend to be people I know and value because we share some common interests or experiences--classmates, other church choir members, co-workers, etc. A few things to note:

• All friendships start at this level.
  It's important not to discount relationships at this level because they good be speed-dial friends or myFaves in the making.
  


• Influence is limited.
  At this level, I can have some influence on others and they can have some influence on
  me--but it's usually not lasting (though it could be meaningful for a moment or a season) or at a significant level of depth. At the phonebook level, influence could also be more one-sided.

Speed-dial Friends

Friendships at this level are tighter. It's usually a level where you can handle about 8-12 relationships at any given time period--the people you have on speed-dial or your "top 8" (if you're a mySpace person). Even Jesus had a smaller circle at this level--the 12 disciples.

• Common interests & experiences + values
  My friends at the speed-dial level not only share some of my interests and experiences, but they usually share my values. In my life, they may not necessarily be Christians at this level (most are), but we usually share some key values--e.g. honesty, integrity, respect, ambition, optimism, etc.



• Influence is mutual.
  Here, both people have an impact on each other's lives. I think this is why making sure your friends at this level share some of your core values.

myFaves

The myFaves level is my "core" group of friends. For most people, the myFaves level has about 3-4 people in it (if we look at Jesus as the model, his 3 were Peter, James & John).

• Common interests & experiences + values + commitment
  What separates this level from the others is a mutual commitment to the relationship. It involves time. It involves depth and accountability.
  
  
• Influence is undeniable.
  These are the people who shape your decisions. When something big is going on in your world, they are the ones you look to for guidance (and they look to you in the same way). These people know you--the real you. They celebrate your success and stick with you through hard times.
  

A few more thoughts on my circle:

• Keep it open.
  It's easy to get stuck in a mindset of "us four, no more" or to invest all your time with your myFaves or speed-dial friends. On the flip side, some people have a huge phonebook of friends, but don't move much beyond that with the depth of myFaves friends, for example. As I said before, your circle will change over time. It's important to work on relationships at all levels.
  
  
• Recognize when a relationship changes levels--and realize that it's probably okay.
  I think sometimes people try to hold on too much to some friendships, while not investing in new ones. For example, when I moved back home after college in Canada, I had to push myself to invest in people here instead of trying to constantly maintain deep friendships with people scattered all over the world post-graduation. For me, it's important that I have myFaves friends I can regularly talk to or spend time with--and that meant other relationships changed levels.
  
  
• "God-assigned" connections come at all levels.
  In our small group series on "Friends and Family," our pastor talks about God-assigned connections--people you know God puts into your life for a reason. One thing I've seen is that God-assigned connections come at all levels--not just the myFaves/future husband level. Even acquaintances can be God-assigned connections--maybe people who inspire you spiritually (even from a distance), connect you with a new job or make you laugh at just the right time.
  
  
• Who are you allowing to influence you?
  Notice the phrasing--relationships all involve choice (even with God-assigned connections--you can choose to embrace or ignore them). Guard your speed-dial and myFaves levels closely. Choose people who will have a positive influence on you. Especially if you're dating--attraction + common interests & experiences aren't enough. If you're a Christian, dating someone who shares your faith and core values is really essential--it's not just another part of the equation, but the foundation of what your God-assigned marriage should be built on.

Can we just talk? Part 3 - It's a guy thing ...

In the final part of this series, I'll give some observations on three types of guys (and issues they may deal with) that lead to lack of clarity in co-ed relationships between Christian singles.

I definitely think there are at least two sides to every story, so I'm not trying to label or pick on either gender, but hopefully to shed some light on the way I see things ... so here goes:

• The Shy or Intimidated Guy

Sadly, there seems to be no shortage of shy or intimidated Christian guys. In a lot of ways, I feel sorry for them. They've probably been burned by mean-spirited girls/women/mothers (Christian or not) who disrespected them in some way. And so they're scared ... to talk to girls, ask them out, whatever.

But when it comes to dating, most guys have to sum up some courage (and most of us girls recognize that). It takes guts to make yourself vulnerable to possible rejection ... but if you can be bold at work, school or in sports, you can handle it. Anything in life worth pursuing takes some risk. Don't take the stupid DTR assessment from Boundless--just be brave and talk.

• The Weirdos

Then there are the weirdos. If you are a guy who women avoid like the plague, you might fall into this category. First, read one of my original posts "10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating" (March). Then, work at looking women in the eye (yeah, we notice when you look at us other ways), getting better at conversation and asking questions, avoiding comments that make others squirm in discomfort, and popping breath mints (sometimes it's the practical things!).

• The Charmers

On the flip side, charming guys have no problem hanging out with women. Lots of them. But if you're a single Christian guy with a charming personality, try not to lead girls on (yep, most of us have those romantic idealist tendencies I talked about in Part 2).

It's okay to be nice and friendly to everyone, but here's a tip if you're a charming guy: pretend your future wife is standing next to you while you're chatting with a single woman you're not interested in. If you knew your future wife was in the room with you, would you treat that other woman differently?

On the practical side, here's how that might look--if you're not interested in a woman and "just trying to be friends", don't regularly compliment her looks, invite her to hang out with you one-on-one, or give her "just because" notes/gifts/flowers, etc. It may sound basic--but if you do these things, you might be sending signals you're not intending to.

So what if you've dealt with these issues and you're still confused about a co-ed relationship?

Like my advice to other women, I guess I'd tell guys to again pray and seek advice from solid Christians you trust.

But unlike the ladies, you can take some action to initiate a relationship. I won't lie--it's definitely a risk. If it doesn't work out, your friendship may be different. But if you're both mature, you should be able to move past it. And if it does work out, you could have a great foundation for a relationship.

Can we just talk? - Part 1

So the other day I came across Boundless, a Web zine for college/career-age young adults produced by Focus on the Family. I periodically read Boundless because sometimes the articles are interesting, a lot of times I agree with them ... and other times, they make me mad.

(Case in point - definitely a rabbit trail you can skip if you're not interested: There's an article that basically argues that single women should not buy their own homes--that we're supposed to live with mommy and daddy forever until Prince Charming comes along ... or rent because home ownership ties us down or shows men that we don't "need" them because we can provide for ourselves--can you hear me gagging in the background?!? Here's a thought--isn't God's provision what we need and depend on most, regardless of our gender? And instead of caring so much about a guy's opinion, shouldn't single women care more about doing the best they can with what God has given them to honor Him? And wouldn't a real Prince Charming be confident enough to understand and admire that?)

A DTR Assessment?

Anyway, the latest pathetic brainchild of Boundless is an oh-so-lovely interactive feature called "Define The Relationship: A DTR Assessment".

Anyone familiar with college is familiar with the terminology of DTR (defining the relationship) discussions ... you know, the "I like you, do you like me?" or "Can we be more than friends?" kind of talks. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with the talks themselves--clarity is a good thing (though personally, I think it's probably better for a guy to be brave and just ask a girl out on what's clearly a date ... and just see how the girl responds and how it goes). Okay ... back to the main point ...

The weird thing about the Boundless DTR tool? It's a quiz to help people figure out if they need to have a DTR or not. Forgive me for stating the obvious--but isn't the point of a DTR to get clarity--and if you're not clear on whether or not you need clarity, how much can a quiz do for you anyway? Here's a pre-quiz they should offer to people using this tool ...

If you are taking a DTR assessment it means that you are:

a) too immature to even think about dating
b) overly analytical
c) all of the above

So Let's Just Talk ...

I think what bugs me about this quiz is that it's completely unnecessary. What would be better? For the Christian community to get real with young adults and for young adults to get real with each other. To talk instead of having a quiz about maybe/possibly/kinda sorta talking.

I think there are a few issues going on in the heads and hearts of single guys and women that may be adding to the confusion ... and I'll explore them in Part 2 of this topic.