Change - Part 3: When change just happens

“What have you been up to the past year?”

I paused before answering, “In a lot ways, my life is basically the same—I have the same job, live in the same house, attend the same church. But it seems really weird to say that…because so much has changed.”

As I was catching up with a friend recently, I thought about some of the changes I’ve experienced since the beginning of 2008 (not in chronological order or order of importance by any means!). Some of them are good. Some of them are bad. And some of them, I’m honestly not sure about yet.

Here’s the short list (NOTE: These are mostly changes tied to “events”—we all go through intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical changes, too—but I’ll spare you from reading about all of those!):

• I had my first-ever surgery (on a broken arm), went through weeks of physical therapy and am now back to normal. :)
  


• Our young adults’ service at church was revamped and renamed.
  


• Some friends moved away.
  


• My company’s CEO changed—and so did some of our senior leadership team.
  


• My parents started considering moving to Arizona (we’ll see…).
  


• My best friend got married.
  


• The financial markets went into a rollercoaster environment—greatly impacting my day-to-day work (and stress levels!).
  


• My boss was laid off.
  


• I have a new boss (who, thankfully, I also like).
  


• Some friends moved back home.
  


• My middle sister Hannah (and co-owner of my house) was laid off.
  


• My little sister got married. Congrats Kevin & Holly!
  


• Our company laid off approx. 20% of people globally, including over 60% of my team—great friends and talented team members are definitely missed.
  


• Hannah got a great job—and a nice pay increase. Yay!

Some of these bullet points represent major life changes for people I care about deeply—and have significantly impacted my relationships with them. Other changes have impacted me directly—and shaped my day-to-day life.

But guess what? I honestly couldn’t have said or done anything to stop these changes from occurring. In some cases, these events have been exciting…and others have been brutally painful. But these are all changes that “just happened.”

So…what can you (and I!) do when change “just happens”?

This is a tough question and something I'm still trying to figure out. To be honest, I don't know if I ever could figure it out (see #1), but it's a topic you and I will probably wrestle with our entire lives. That said, here's what I'm learning now:

1. Let go...of the need to know "why?"

Particularly when bad, sad or difficult things happen, many of us want to know "why?" And in many cases where I can't control anything, letting go of the need to know "why?" can be healthy (yet especially hard for any "inquiring minds" who have ever been news reporters at any level!).
The drive to know "why?" can be unhealthy in these cases because:

a) Sometimes being a little in the dark is a good thing--with knowledge comes responsibility.

b) The drive to know "why?" can easily morph into a "digging for dirt" mission focused on finding the negative--about people, organizations or situations.

c) The drive to know "why?" can lead you to dive in to situations you were never meant to be in.

2. Let go...of trying to control the things you can't.

This probably sounds like common sense, given the defintion of change that "just happens." But it's not. Sometimes when change happens, an initial reaction is to ask, "What if...?" questions.

But "What if...?" questions are focused on the past. You can't change that. When change "just happens", I think it can be more effective to ask the, "What now...?" questions.

That said, no matter which questions we ask or what actions we take, there are some things outside our control. And I personally believe that's where faith comes in.

3. Hold on...to the things that really matter (and things don't really matter).

It's really interesting to see how people respond to change--especially life-threatening or life-altering circumstances. I've been blessed enough to know some amazing people who, when faced with horrible circumstances, can look for the good.

When my sister lost her job...and I wasn't sure I would keep mine...we would say things like, "No matter what happens, God is still God. We still have our family, our friends, our church, our health. There's a lot to be thankful for!"

Have you ever known someone who has faced a life threatening illness or situation? It's interesting to see their perspectives and how they spend their time. I only wish more of us (myself included!) could live that way always.

4. Hold on...your story isn't over.

One of my friends frequently says, "This too shall pass!" (usually with some laughter) to cope with rocky situations (or crazy annoying people--and let's be honest--we all know them...and we've all probably BEEN them to someone else!). :)

Whenever change "just happens", it can make you feel powerless. Although I can't control the kind of change that just happens to me, I CAN have a say in how it affects my attitude and choices...which affect my future.

Cool Things...of the Last 2 Weeks

I've taken a bit longer break from blogging, so this "Cool Things" list is for the last 2 weeks or so. Here is my:

• Favorite thing about the holidays: Visits from family and friends like family who normally live far, far away. (I love you Holly & Devyn!).

• Cool Bible passage: I Thessalonians 5: 12-18 (The Message) - I know this is a longer passage than I usually highlight, but I just love how the Bible is so real, so straight-up honest, you know?
  
  And now, friends,
  we ask you to honor those leaders who work so hard for you,
  who have been given the responsibility of urging and guiding you along in your obedience. Overwhelm them with appreciation and love!
  Get along among yourselves, each of you doing your part.
  Our counsel is that you warn the freeloaders to get a move on.
  Gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted,
  pulling them to their feet.
  Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs.
  And be careful that when you get on each other's nerves you don't snap at each other. Look for the best in each other,
  and always do your best to bring it out.
  Be cheerful no matter what;
  pray all the time;
  thank God no matter what happens.
  This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.
  
• New lunch place: Capers downtown on Pacific. Capers is within walking distance from the office and has this amazing white bean chicken chili (and I think it's actually kinda healthy, too!).
  
• Secret Starbucks drink: Short non-fat, no-whip mocha. Short Starbucks drinks are the secret beverages not listed on the menu (shh....). They're the perfect size, cheaper and give you the same amount of caffeine buzz.
  
• Fun Christmas gift to give: I actually ordered a "Support the Rabid" bracelet for my sister from "The Office." This only makes sense to Office fans who have seen the Rabies Fun Run episode--mmm hmm, it's real.
  
• Relaxing Christmas gift to receive: Thanks to Mom and Dad, an oh-so-lovely gift certificate to Chardonnay spa for a massage...ahh....(and yes, I've already used it!).
  
• Innovative CD: One Republic - "Dreaming Out Loud" So this is my sister's new CD, but I had it in my car for a week (love the perks of sharing with family). I think One Republic is innovative because they mix instrumental elements of rock and classical music (not usually my fave--but cool when mixed with other stuff).
  
• January holiday: Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friends Day (Jan. 11) - Watch out! :) Somehow, I ended up chatting and laughing with some friends about wacky holidays and this one is my January favorite. Check out the weird holidays here.
  
• New personal holiday: Sacred Sleep-in Saturdays - This is the new name I've given to the one day of the week where I can sleep past 7:00.

My Mini College Reunion

There are some friends who you can always "pick right up where you left off" with. And even though some of us are married, have kids or may be still single, I love that these are people I can still laugh and celebrate with. 3F Hotties forever!

The Friends and Family Plan - Part 2: My Circle

Part of the "Friends and Family" discussion in my small group led to later conversations about different kinds of friendships we have in our lives.

I thought I'd continue a bit with my phone plan analogy to talk a bit about different kinds of friends in my world...

My Circle

All of us have a circle of relationships in our lives. I think of this as the broad category of my relationships, including all of the levels listed below.

As the Circle Turns?

One important thing about my circle? It changes over time. Relationships can be seasonal--for example, I have friends from TWU who played a big part in my life then. I value them--I love them. But there are some I haven't seen or talked with since graduation. There are others who were probably "myFaves" then that may have moved into more of the "Speed-dial Friends" level. And that's okay--I've probably changed levels in their circles as well.

Similarly, there are people I don't know yet or who might be at the phonebook or speed-dial levels of my circle today who may become some of the most significant relationships in my life (my future husband is probably the best example).

My circle (and yours) includes:

Phonebook-level Friends

Think of this as all the people in your cell's phonebook. It's broad. These tend to be people I know and value because we share some common interests or experiences--classmates, other church choir members, co-workers, etc. A few things to note:

• All friendships start at this level.
  It's important not to discount relationships at this level because they good be speed-dial friends or myFaves in the making.
  


• Influence is limited.
  At this level, I can have some influence on others and they can have some influence on
  me--but it's usually not lasting (though it could be meaningful for a moment or a season) or at a significant level of depth. At the phonebook level, influence could also be more one-sided.

Speed-dial Friends

Friendships at this level are tighter. It's usually a level where you can handle about 8-12 relationships at any given time period--the people you have on speed-dial or your "top 8" (if you're a mySpace person). Even Jesus had a smaller circle at this level--the 12 disciples.

• Common interests & experiences + values
  My friends at the speed-dial level not only share some of my interests and experiences, but they usually share my values. In my life, they may not necessarily be Christians at this level (most are), but we usually share some key values--e.g. honesty, integrity, respect, ambition, optimism, etc.



• Influence is mutual.
  Here, both people have an impact on each other's lives. I think this is why making sure your friends at this level share some of your core values.

myFaves

The myFaves level is my "core" group of friends. For most people, the myFaves level has about 3-4 people in it (if we look at Jesus as the model, his 3 were Peter, James & John).

• Common interests & experiences + values + commitment
  What separates this level from the others is a mutual commitment to the relationship. It involves time. It involves depth and accountability.
  
  
• Influence is undeniable.
  These are the people who shape your decisions. When something big is going on in your world, they are the ones you look to for guidance (and they look to you in the same way). These people know you--the real you. They celebrate your success and stick with you through hard times.
  

A few more thoughts on my circle:

• Keep it open.
  It's easy to get stuck in a mindset of "us four, no more" or to invest all your time with your myFaves or speed-dial friends. On the flip side, some people have a huge phonebook of friends, but don't move much beyond that with the depth of myFaves friends, for example. As I said before, your circle will change over time. It's important to work on relationships at all levels.
  
  
• Recognize when a relationship changes levels--and realize that it's probably okay.
  I think sometimes people try to hold on too much to some friendships, while not investing in new ones. For example, when I moved back home after college in Canada, I had to push myself to invest in people here instead of trying to constantly maintain deep friendships with people scattered all over the world post-graduation. For me, it's important that I have myFaves friends I can regularly talk to or spend time with--and that meant other relationships changed levels.
  
  
• "God-assigned" connections come at all levels.
  In our small group series on "Friends and Family," our pastor talks about God-assigned connections--people you know God puts into your life for a reason. One thing I've seen is that God-assigned connections come at all levels--not just the myFaves/future husband level. Even acquaintances can be God-assigned connections--maybe people who inspire you spiritually (even from a distance), connect you with a new job or make you laugh at just the right time.
  
  
• Who are you allowing to influence you?
  Notice the phrasing--relationships all involve choice (even with God-assigned connections--you can choose to embrace or ignore them). Guard your speed-dial and myFaves levels closely. Choose people who will have a positive influence on you. Especially if you're dating--attraction + common interests & experiences aren't enough. If you're a Christian, dating someone who shares your faith and core values is really essential--it's not just another part of the equation, but the foundation of what your God-assigned marriage should be built on.

The Friends and Family Plan

In small groups at church, we've been talking about friends and family--and how it's best when families are friends and friends are family.

I love this topic! So I thought I'd share a few of my own thoughts on the subject and maybe a few stories from my life. I'd love to hear more from any of you as well.

God Beat MCI
First, I think it's cool to remember that God planned for us to partner throughout life with friends and family--God developed the first "Friends and Family Plan" (not MCI!).

He chose our parents before we were born. He knew who our siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles would be. If you're like me, you may have some amazing family members who are your friends, mentors and confidantes ... but you probably have some relatives who are a little dysfunctional, too (even the "amazing" have issues--we're all people after all!). Does anyone else have an uncle who sings drunk karaoke? (God bless Him, but alcohol and microphones don't mix well!).

But because you're family, you work to get along--you're bound by blood and hopefully, by love. You learn from each other (even if it's only patience!) and grow together.

Similarly, God planned for us to have friends like family. I love how the Bible talks about Christians as "the family of God" - what an honor! Like my biological family, my Christian family is bound together by blood (Christ's) and love.

But even beyond the family of God, we are all called to friendships. It's important not to discount friendships with non-Christians--because those relationships may help them come to know Christ or even see glimpses of Him through us.

"Welcome to the family..."
Have you ever had an (almost) instant connection with someone? Or a moment when you know or feel like God put a friendship/acquaintance/relationship in your life for a reason? Here are a few examples I've experienced in my own life ... and I'd encourage you to think about some in your life as well:

• Algebra anyone?
  I don't think I ever expected to meet my best friend in a math class ... but that's exactly what happened. It was the first day of 9th grade. I was sitting at a table with a few other friends when a new girl walked into class. "Would you like to sit with us?" I asked. And I think she was relieved to find a place.
  
  
  Anyway, we connected almost immediately--we both are the oldest children with two younger sisters (though she also got a "surprise" baby brother later!), we both have weird names, a similar sense of humor, and we both like to shop for deals--but beyond that, we share our faith and a similar commitment to church and ministry. Twelve years later, we've gone through a lot together ... and I know she has played a big part in shaping who I am today and challenging me to be better. And hopefully I've done some of the same things for her as well. :)
  
  
• "Family" Holidays with Strangers
  My parents have been known to celebrate major holidays twice...we'll have extended family Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter and then church family Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter. I have to say that usually the "church family" holidays are more fun (I'll caveat it by saying my immediate family is usually at both events).
  
  I remember coming home from college for Easter and sitting in my parents' kitchen. This other girl was there smiling and holding a cup of coffee, "I'm Rebecca," she said, "What's your name?"
  
  "I'm Jonita. And I live here," I smiled and joked back and forth with Rebecca as we talked for awhile. She looked so at ease sitting in my parents' house--I found out later that Mom and Dad invited her to Easter dinner after meeting her at church. They didn't really know her well, but found out that her husband was working during the holiday and Rebecca would have probably spent it alone ... so they invited her over.
  
  As I looked around the room, I saw kids running around and people laughing and talking loudly ... we really did look like a (big, multi-cultural) family. Even though we all started as strangers, we are bound together through Christ and through "doing life together" friendship.
  
  On a (somewhat) different note--We have a church family friend (who's my Dad's age) who always greets us with, "Hey family!" and big hugs. I love that.
  

There's probably a million other examples I could write about...maybe more on this topic later.

Vulnerability

Vulernability has never been one of my favorite things. In my life, I'd much rather focus on strength ... but I think I'm learning that the two concepts may be intertwined. Let me explain ...

All relationships require some level of vulnerability. I'm not talking about the people who share sob stories to strangers in the grocery store or on the bus (that's a little extreme!).

What I mean is that you have to step out to talk to someone new. You make yourself vulnerable when you tell a joke, talk about God, share a goofy embarassing moment or discuss a political event. You're vulnerable when you share an original idea in a boardroom or at a small group meeting. You're vulnerable when you write something and share it with someone else (whether it's in a blog or a school assignment discussing your opinions).

But it's strange--that vulnerability can actually bring strength--either to you and your own personal growth or to a relationship. At the same time, vulnerability makes us ... well ... vulnerable. The more we put ourselves out there, the more we risk being criticized or let down.

But even with the risks, vulnerability is a necessary part of our lives--it's what bonds us together in real, genuine relationships. And relationshiops are key to who we are as people trying to fulfill lives of purpose and meaning.

When I think about tragic events, like the recent Virginia Tech massacre, one of the core lessons for our society is the importance of real, genuine friendships. The situation at Virginia Tech is a tragedy not only because of the innocent lives that were destroyed, but also because of one life--the life of one man--plagued by the destructive power of loneliness, depression and anger.

There is strength in the vulnerability friendship requires. Even though I still don't like the concept of vulnerability, I am grateful for the strength it has brought to friendships in my life.