Change - Part 3: When change just happens

“What have you been up to the past year?”

I paused before answering, “In a lot ways, my life is basically the same—I have the same job, live in the same house, attend the same church. But it seems really weird to say that…because so much has changed.”

As I was catching up with a friend recently, I thought about some of the changes I’ve experienced since the beginning of 2008 (not in chronological order or order of importance by any means!). Some of them are good. Some of them are bad. And some of them, I’m honestly not sure about yet.

Here’s the short list (NOTE: These are mostly changes tied to “events”—we all go through intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical changes, too—but I’ll spare you from reading about all of those!):

• I had my first-ever surgery (on a broken arm), went through weeks of physical therapy and am now back to normal. :)
  


• Our young adults’ service at church was revamped and renamed.
  


• Some friends moved away.
  


• My company’s CEO changed—and so did some of our senior leadership team.
  


• My parents started considering moving to Arizona (we’ll see…).
  


• My best friend got married.
  


• The financial markets went into a rollercoaster environment—greatly impacting my day-to-day work (and stress levels!).
  


• My boss was laid off.
  


• I have a new boss (who, thankfully, I also like).
  


• Some friends moved back home.
  


• My middle sister Hannah (and co-owner of my house) was laid off.
  


• My little sister got married. Congrats Kevin & Holly!
  


• Our company laid off approx. 20% of people globally, including over 60% of my team—great friends and talented team members are definitely missed.
  


• Hannah got a great job—and a nice pay increase. Yay!

Some of these bullet points represent major life changes for people I care about deeply—and have significantly impacted my relationships with them. Other changes have impacted me directly—and shaped my day-to-day life.

But guess what? I honestly couldn’t have said or done anything to stop these changes from occurring. In some cases, these events have been exciting…and others have been brutally painful. But these are all changes that “just happened.”

So…what can you (and I!) do when change “just happens”?

This is a tough question and something I'm still trying to figure out. To be honest, I don't know if I ever could figure it out (see #1), but it's a topic you and I will probably wrestle with our entire lives. That said, here's what I'm learning now:

1. Let go...of the need to know "why?"

Particularly when bad, sad or difficult things happen, many of us want to know "why?" And in many cases where I can't control anything, letting go of the need to know "why?" can be healthy (yet especially hard for any "inquiring minds" who have ever been news reporters at any level!).
The drive to know "why?" can be unhealthy in these cases because:

a) Sometimes being a little in the dark is a good thing--with knowledge comes responsibility.

b) The drive to know "why?" can easily morph into a "digging for dirt" mission focused on finding the negative--about people, organizations or situations.

c) The drive to know "why?" can lead you to dive in to situations you were never meant to be in.

2. Let go...of trying to control the things you can't.

This probably sounds like common sense, given the defintion of change that "just happens." But it's not. Sometimes when change happens, an initial reaction is to ask, "What if...?" questions.

But "What if...?" questions are focused on the past. You can't change that. When change "just happens", I think it can be more effective to ask the, "What now...?" questions.

That said, no matter which questions we ask or what actions we take, there are some things outside our control. And I personally believe that's where faith comes in.

3. Hold on...to the things that really matter (and things don't really matter).

It's really interesting to see how people respond to change--especially life-threatening or life-altering circumstances. I've been blessed enough to know some amazing people who, when faced with horrible circumstances, can look for the good.

When my sister lost her job...and I wasn't sure I would keep mine...we would say things like, "No matter what happens, God is still God. We still have our family, our friends, our church, our health. There's a lot to be thankful for!"

Have you ever known someone who has faced a life threatening illness or situation? It's interesting to see their perspectives and how they spend their time. I only wish more of us (myself included!) could live that way always.

4. Hold on...your story isn't over.

One of my friends frequently says, "This too shall pass!" (usually with some laughter) to cope with rocky situations (or crazy annoying people--and let's be honest--we all know them...and we've all probably BEEN them to someone else!). :)

Whenever change "just happens", it can make you feel powerless. Although I can't control the kind of change that just happens to me, I CAN have a say in how it affects my attitude and choices...which affect my future.

Think. Speak. Act.

"How would you react...if you won the lottery?"


"How would you react...if you lost your job?"


"How would you react...if a new position opened up at work and you and your best friend were both interested in applying?"


I was sitting oh-so-innocently in my Toastmasters' club meeting yesterday when the last question was asked of me. It was part of our weekly "Table Topics" exercise where we are asked a question and told to speak "off the cuff" for at least a minute without ums, ahs and filler words.


It's tougher than you think. But what stood out to me yesterday was the "How would you react...?" theme.


You and I may not ever win the lottery, lose our jobs or compete with a friend for a new position. But everyday, I think someone (even if it's solely God) asks us, "How would you react...?" in some form or another.


I thought about that basic question a lot yesterday--especially when we were talking about politics at young adults' group.


When I thought about living as a Christian in a way that honors God, I came up with three key steps to decision-making. I don't always follow them, but I hope this post (or even the process of writing it!) will help you and I as we make key choices in our lives. So here goes:


Think.


This seems simple. But how many times do we make decisions by "going with the flow" with what friends, co-workers or family members do? How easily do we buy in to someone else's logic--whether it's a teacher, pastor, professor or newscaster--without digging for the truth ourselves?


God gave us brains. I think He likes--and even expects--us to use them. He is the source of truth, so when we search for real truth, we are actually pursuing God, getting to know Him and His thoughts better. I think He absolutely loves it when we have a passion to know more (just as long as we always recognize we can never know it all!).


What does this mean in real life? Knowing what the Bible says. Looking for hard facts uncluttered by someone else's perspective (and those can be tough to find--even in the news!). Owning my personal responsibility to continually pursue wisdom. For me, one of the key messages of Anthem last night was, "Know what you believe and why. Look at the facts about the candidates (like their voting records). Look at the Bible for what it says, not just what you want to hear (see my past "Google faith" post for reference)." I love that.


Speak.


Part of decision-making does involve speaking with others. First, it should involve talking to God--praying and asking for wisdom and clarity throughout the whole decision-making process. But I think it also can involve seeking the counsel of people you trust.


That may sound contradictory to my first point. But there's a big difference between aimlessly following the herd and truly having your own opinion while remaining open to hear what other trusted people in your life have to say.


Sometimes speaking means standing up for what you believe in. Having the courage to talk about tough things in a kind way. Sharing what you believe or feel with people who might reject you.

Act.

Knowing what you think or talking about it is good--but incomplete. I believe our actions are a critical part of the equation, but action is often left out of decision making.

For example, there are a lot of Christians who believe in helping those in need. They think it's right. They talk about how important it is. But when given the opportunity to actually volunteer and serve people in the community, they don't show up. They don't give financially to their own churches or non-profit organizations that serve the poor. (And as a sidenote, it's not a big surprise to me that politicians can be hypocritical in this area, too.)

I'll be honest in the fact that I'm not a huge fan of political grandstanding--I have close friends on both sides of the political spectrum. I've found myself irritated in this election season with how some people go on and on bashing politicians on "the other side."

And then I did a quick heart check.

Because as much as I don't like heated debates, at least I have friends who are passionate about what they believe. They're going to vote. They're going to talk to other people about voting. They're going to help other people register to vote. They're going to campaign for people they believe in.

There is something much worse--apathy. In this country, we have freedom. It's a rare privilege. In so many places around the world, people don't have a voice (especially if you're a woman, a Christian or a minority). Thousands of people throughout history have given their lives so that you and I can live in this freedom--so we can vote.

And millions of us act like we don't care. Millions of Americans don't vote.

Connecting the dots...

I hope if you're reading this, you don't think it's just about politics, Christianity or a strange group called Toastmasters (and if you're wondering - no, we don't cook toast in our meetings). :)

For me, this post is about decisions--and decisions define our destinies.

Arranged Love?

For some reason, last week I found myself watching an MTV documentary about twentysomething Americans considering arranged marriage (yes, in 2007!).

Some were drawn to the idea because of their religion, culture or family. But one of the girls caught my attention when she said something to the effect of, "I'm 25 and I've tried meeting someone on my own, but it hasn't worked, so I thought I'd try this arranged marriage thing." She said it as if arranged marriage is simply another option for finding the person to spend the rest of your life with.

Is love supposed to be arranged?

As I watched the documentary, I actually wondered, "Is this really that different?" and even stranger, "Is love supposed to be arranged?"

Think about it--how many single Americans have been on a blind date, tried online dating or been set-up by friends? Some of my friends have found their husbands through some of these methods ... and others have simply found amazing (and sometimes strangely bizarre!) stories.

Many people believe in the idea of destiny, fate, signs that lead to love. And as Christians, I think a lot of us believe that God designed someone for us ... that He "arranges" our steps to bring us together. Even in non-romantic love, God arranges our families and puts us together with certain people (sometimes neighbors, teammates, co-workers) for a purpose.

But (in the words of DC Talk) isn't love a verb? :)

The flip side is that most of us would agree that love ... in all of its various forms ... takes work. It means daily decisions. Daily action.

It would be silly to think, for example, "I can tell my parents I love them once and then forget about it" or "God has a great job for me. He'll provide ... I'll just sit here on the couch and wait for the job to come to me."

So ... what's the bottom line?

I'm SO not an expert at this stuff--but I guess it's probably a mix of both ideas--"arrangement" and action--that makes love work.

In a lot of ways, I'm a bit skeptical of the whole arranged love thing. Even this past month, I've had two different people say to me (about two different guys), "I know this great guy who could be a great match for you ..."

But as scary as it seems, I have to be open to possibility--and really trust who (or Who) is doing the arranging.

Chosen

Everyone wants to be chosen...

Whether it's being picked to be someone's employee, basketball team member, girlfriend, mentor, or best friend--there's something amazing and empowering in knowing that someone picked you. Someone thinks you're special. Someone thinks you're valuable and worth their attention.

"Tag, you're it!"

One of the coolest things about God is that He chose us. He chose you. He picked me.
He could have been content to live in a perfect world with perfect supermodel robots who always make the right choices to love Him and each other...and eat only broccolli, study for fun and smile all the time with perfect teeth. :)

But He didn't. That world would have been perfect, but it would have been boring.

He picked us. Yes, He chose to give His life for us so that we could have a personal relationship with Him. But beyond that, He chose us to represent Him--to be His voice and to do the work He's called us all to do.

I Peter 2:9-10 (The Message)
But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God's instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.

Real love is chosen.

Another cool (and sometimes frustrating) thing about God? He chose to give us our own choices. (Sometimes I wonder why...being a perfect supermodel robot might make life simpler!)

But maybe God wanted to be chosen, too. He picked us first, but maybe He wants us to choose Him every day. Probably because robot-obligation love isn't real love at all--real love is chosen.