Change - Part 3: When change just happens

“What have you been up to the past year?”

I paused before answering, “In a lot ways, my life is basically the same—I have the same job, live in the same house, attend the same church. But it seems really weird to say that…because so much has changed.”

As I was catching up with a friend recently, I thought about some of the changes I’ve experienced since the beginning of 2008 (not in chronological order or order of importance by any means!). Some of them are good. Some of them are bad. And some of them, I’m honestly not sure about yet.

Here’s the short list (NOTE: These are mostly changes tied to “events”—we all go through intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical changes, too—but I’ll spare you from reading about all of those!):

• I had my first-ever surgery (on a broken arm), went through weeks of physical therapy and am now back to normal. :)
  


• Our young adults’ service at church was revamped and renamed.
  


• Some friends moved away.
  


• My company’s CEO changed—and so did some of our senior leadership team.
  


• My parents started considering moving to Arizona (we’ll see…).
  


• My best friend got married.
  


• The financial markets went into a rollercoaster environment—greatly impacting my day-to-day work (and stress levels!).
  


• My boss was laid off.
  


• I have a new boss (who, thankfully, I also like).
  


• Some friends moved back home.
  


• My middle sister Hannah (and co-owner of my house) was laid off.
  


• My little sister got married. Congrats Kevin & Holly!
  


• Our company laid off approx. 20% of people globally, including over 60% of my team—great friends and talented team members are definitely missed.
  


• Hannah got a great job—and a nice pay increase. Yay!

Some of these bullet points represent major life changes for people I care about deeply—and have significantly impacted my relationships with them. Other changes have impacted me directly—and shaped my day-to-day life.

But guess what? I honestly couldn’t have said or done anything to stop these changes from occurring. In some cases, these events have been exciting…and others have been brutally painful. But these are all changes that “just happened.”

So…what can you (and I!) do when change “just happens”?

This is a tough question and something I'm still trying to figure out. To be honest, I don't know if I ever could figure it out (see #1), but it's a topic you and I will probably wrestle with our entire lives. That said, here's what I'm learning now:

1. Let go...of the need to know "why?"

Particularly when bad, sad or difficult things happen, many of us want to know "why?" And in many cases where I can't control anything, letting go of the need to know "why?" can be healthy (yet especially hard for any "inquiring minds" who have ever been news reporters at any level!).
The drive to know "why?" can be unhealthy in these cases because:

a) Sometimes being a little in the dark is a good thing--with knowledge comes responsibility.

b) The drive to know "why?" can easily morph into a "digging for dirt" mission focused on finding the negative--about people, organizations or situations.

c) The drive to know "why?" can lead you to dive in to situations you were never meant to be in.

2. Let go...of trying to control the things you can't.

This probably sounds like common sense, given the defintion of change that "just happens." But it's not. Sometimes when change happens, an initial reaction is to ask, "What if...?" questions.

But "What if...?" questions are focused on the past. You can't change that. When change "just happens", I think it can be more effective to ask the, "What now...?" questions.

That said, no matter which questions we ask or what actions we take, there are some things outside our control. And I personally believe that's where faith comes in.

3. Hold on...to the things that really matter (and things don't really matter).

It's really interesting to see how people respond to change--especially life-threatening or life-altering circumstances. I've been blessed enough to know some amazing people who, when faced with horrible circumstances, can look for the good.

When my sister lost her job...and I wasn't sure I would keep mine...we would say things like, "No matter what happens, God is still God. We still have our family, our friends, our church, our health. There's a lot to be thankful for!"

Have you ever known someone who has faced a life threatening illness or situation? It's interesting to see their perspectives and how they spend their time. I only wish more of us (myself included!) could live that way always.

4. Hold on...your story isn't over.

One of my friends frequently says, "This too shall pass!" (usually with some laughter) to cope with rocky situations (or crazy annoying people--and let's be honest--we all know them...and we've all probably BEEN them to someone else!). :)

Whenever change "just happens", it can make you feel powerless. Although I can't control the kind of change that just happens to me, I CAN have a say in how it affects my attitude and choices...which affect my future.

Who am I...really?

"Who am I...really?" is a basic question that usually comes with not-so-basic answers. And I think it's a question many people...and even companies...are asking right now.

Take Starbucks, for example. It's a huge global company with thousands of employees, millions of customers and billions of dollars in revenue. But last month, I sat in a room with Starbucks' CEO Howard Schultz (yup, that's us pictured above!). It was a regular-sized Starbucks store with about 50 regular "Joe"s (and "Jo"s, too--if you count me!) in the middle of Lakewood, Washington--a town known for its strange mix of gangs, mansions and military.

Why was I there? Because Starbucks is searching. It's looking for ideas, feedback and even criticism from regular people--Starbucks is feeling a bit lost. For the first time in its history, Starbucks' profits are down, stores are closing and baristas are losing their jobs.

Likewise, I think there are many people in society--average "Joe"s and "Jo"s if you will--that have been shaken lately. They feel lost without their jobs, their savings, the "stuff" they can't afford anymore. Some have lost their foundation--a belief they could do anything themselves--or that money, a fancy title or "stuff" defined them.

In some ways, that questioning, that shaken spirit is frightening. It can be scary. But I also believe it could help people change their lives (or companies change their focus) for the better.

Why? Because sometimes we need to get back to asking and answering basic questions. Here's some that I hope people are considering:

• What do I believe?
  


• How are my beliefs reflected in my actions? In how I spend time? How I talk? How I spend money?
  


• What are my non-negotiables--the things I know for sure and won't compromise on?
  


• Who (or what) do I love...really?
  


• What am I passionate about? What are things I hate?
  


• What's my purpose?
  


• What are my strengths?
  


• What do I want to be remembered for?
  


• What do I need to get rid of?
  


• What do I need to change?

For those who love God, some of the questions should actually be phrased a bit differently. For example:

• What does the Bible say about who and what God is passionate about? Who does God love? What are things God loves? What are things God hates?
  


• What's God's purpose for this planet? For people? For the Church globally?
  


• What does the Bible say about how God views me?
  


• How can I partner with God--using the passion and strenghs He's given me--to fulfill His purpose?
  


• Is there something I need to change or give up, so that I can be the person God wants me to be?

I believe this season in history will have a serious impact on the destiny of people, companies and religions worldwide.

I hope that it's a season where Christians wake up, get a clue about who they are in Christ--and start living as people filled with love, hope and the confidence that comes from knowing the truth.

But this is not a time to be solely focused on ourselves. It's not a time to stay inwardly focused--because plenty of liars, false religions, cheap imitations of love and pleasure--will be on the prowl trying to "save" people as well.

Most importantly, I pray that we as Christians will be bold enough to start helping others ask the questions, search for answers and find truth in Christ and a family of believers (called the Church).

People are searching. This is a serious time for real questions...but it is also an opportunity to find real answers.

One thing I know for sure? Live the questions by pursuing truth with all you've got. Because God is the source of truth. And knowing Him--and the truth of His Word--is the only way to find freedom.

The truth about secrets

“My boyfriend thinks I love football. The truth? I don’t know the difference between a first down or a third down, the Raiders or the Patriots…and I don’t really care."

“I don't like my job. And I feel horrible even writing that when so many people would die to have what I have. It's a dream job...but it's not my dream."


"I'm in love with my best friend. I'm pretty sure she likes me, too, but she's into the whole 'the guy asks the girl out' kinda thing. I'm not afraid of commitment or even that our friendship will change. I'm afraid that she'd settle for me...that I may not be the kind of guy she deserves."


I stood in the middle of Hudson News at O'Hare reading secrets like this compiled in "Post Secret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives" by Frank Warren. I don't know the full backstory on the book, but it looks like the author may have just found some of the secrets--there was a mix of drawings on napkins, letters, e-mails. As I flipped through the pages, I felt like I was eavesdropping on other people's lives...but I was completely sucked in to the secrets of strangers.

Perhaps it was largely due to curiosity. But just flipping through that book, I thought about a few truths I know about secrets:

• We're more alike than we're different.
  
  What were most people's secrets about? Love. Family. Purpose. Friendship. Faith. As different as we are, most of us care most about the big things in our lives...and I think that's pretty cool.

• Writing a secret can be cathartic. But think carefully when you hit "send", "post" or mail that letter.
  
  I personally know that writing your thoughts can be empowering, rewarding, or even cathartic. Writing something down on paper or on screen makes your thoughts more real--they actually become tangible ink on paper, words on a screen. When you write, you are trying to make sense of your experience--capturing your ideas into words. However, I am also really glad that there are letters I haven't mailed, e-mails I haven't sent or blog posts I haven't published. I wonder how many of the contributors to Post Secret wish their secrets never saw the stands at Hudson News, Borders or your local library.

• If someone entrusts you with a secret, guard it carefully ...
  
  I just did a quick Bible search on the word "secret" and one of the references that stood out to me said, "A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret" (Proverbs 11:13). Learning to be quiet or stop a gossip train isn't easy for everyone. But by being a good listener and guarding the secrets of others, you become a trusted friend/family member and ally.

• ... But the truth always comes out.
  
  This was something my Dad used to tell us while we were growing up--mainly to help us end major family dramas--like cheating at Candyland (you know who you are, middle sister!). But I think he was definitely right. Ultimately, God knows everything about all of us, so there aren't really any secrets. And from what I've seen, secrets--like motives--often surface in the real world, too. I think by teaching us this, my Dad was teaching us to live honest lives of integrity--to be who we said we were. It's been a good lesson to learn.

• Some secrets shouldn't be secret.
  
  When I flipped through the Post Secret book, I was a bit surprised that some of the entries were secrets. People wrote such beautiful things about how much they loved a spouse, children, parents, etc.--and I can only hope that those secrets were shared with the people who were so appreciated, respected or loved.

Smart is hot

Awkward moments ... do you have them? (If you've read this blog for awhile, you know I do!) Let me tell you about a little awkward moment that happened today...

Here's the scene: I'm at work. I've just finished a meeting about a project with a colleague and my boss' boss. My boss' boss (a woman about my mom's age) turns to me and says, "I've just got to say one more thing...you are so pretty...those eyes, that smile. I don't understand why you're not married."

Awkward silence. I smile and say, "Thanks." (How exactly are single people supposed to respond to that question...especially in the office?)

"Pretty and smart...that combination just must scare guys."

I'll be fair and say that I really like my boss' boss--she was trying to compliment me. And I like compliments no matter where they come from or however oddly they surface.

But I will be honest--part of me is a little scared that her final statement may be accurate.

(Sidenote: I'm not saying I agree with her assessment of me specifically--to some degree, I think beauty and smarts are in the eye of the beholder).

But are people (and guys in particular) afraid of a "pretty" and "smart" combination? Why? And what in the world can we do to change that?

Can beauty and brains coexist? In a woman?

When was the last time you saw a woman on TV or in a movie who was portrayed as both extremely beautiful and really smart? Anyone?

For some reason, Hollywood has reduced most women to caricatures--you're either really hot and dumb (see Jessica Simpson and Pam Anderson) or smart and not that cute.

I haven't seen it yet, but there's a new movie out called the "House Bunny" that appears to illustrate this point. The concept of the movie is that there's a sorority of smart girls who are frumpy, out-of-date, unpopular and unattractive. Who comes to save them? The classic former Playboy bunny (read: shapely, thin blonde) who is also caricaturized (misspelling intentional) as an idiot. Ugh.

Can you imagine if men were constantly pigeonholed like that--as hot bumbling idiots or geeky brainiacs? At one point in time, African-Americans were portrayed similarly in the media ... and many are still fighting the stereotypes associated with those horrible portrayals. Why in the world do we still allow the media to continually portray women this way in the 21st century?

I wonder if some people have tried to stifle the beautiful power of brains.

How would the world be different if women were unashamed of their intelligence?

The media has shown us that it's okay to flaunt our sex appeal--but smarts? Not unless you want to branded as a woman who's crazy ambitious, witchy (or something that rhymes with that), unpopular or ugly.

I'm sick of it. So how do we turn the tables? Somehow, I think we need to convey the idea that smart is hot. Here are a few of my own personal ideas ...

Why smart is hot

• Smart women are kind to others. Contrary to the soap opera diva or manic businesswoman image, truly smart women are actually nice. They're kind to others because it's the right thing to do ... but also because they know that kindness leads to good relationships ... and good relationships are essential to any kind of success in life (with God, their families, colleagues, customers, etc.).
  


• Smart women are interesting. Let's face it--external beauty is appealing to people (and guys in particular). But physical attraction can only last so long. If a woman isn't smart, she probably doesn't have much of interest to say ... and that gets old quickly.
  


• Smart women make good decisions--take is as a compliment if they
  choose you. One thing I've heard repeatedly about guys is that they like to be respected and admired. But most smart women do not give away their respect and admiration lightly. If you're a guy dating or married to a smart woman, you can take it as a serious compliment that she has chosen you.

Smarts, like looks, vary...

It's also important to point out that there are several different kinds of intelligence. Most of us aren't geniuses at all of them. But I think it's amazing that God created us with different types of smarts--some have people smarts, others have creative intelligence and others may be just plain logical.

I just Googled "intelligence" and "types" and found this piece of interest--it talks about nine different types of intelligence!

In addition to this list, I would argue that there may also be a type of spiritual intelligence--a kind of inexplicable wisdom that comes from God, knowing His Word and applying it to your life--to the point where it almost becomes intuitive, where you're living in tune with the Holy Spirit and His direction.

And that's definitely hot.

P.S. I also previously wrote a related (more guy-driven) topic called "Why bold is hot"

In hot pursuit

This week I was reminded of a familiar Bible verse that continually makes me smile. It was the special theme verse of my freshman year girls' dorm at Christian college:

"Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me..." (Psalm 56:1) *

LOL (3F girls that was for you!). :) Anyway, I was reminded of that idea after reading an article in Boundless (Focus on the Family's webzine for Christian young adults). The article is written for guys and called "Pursue Her." The author (a guy himself!) says:

Rather than saddling up the proverbial steed,

many guys seem to be languishing in the tower,

waiting for their princesses to stumble upon them.

I promise--this post is not a rant against guys.

Although it would be easy for single women to use that kind of verbiage to get on a preachy soapbox targeted at the guys in our lives, I think the core of the author's argument has broader applications for all of us--single, married, guys, girls, old, young. Let me explain a bit...

The author discusses a conversation with his 88-year-old grandfather about relationships. His grandfather pointed to Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."

The profound thing his grandpa said to him?

"Find is a verb."

What else does God want us to find?

After I read that, I thought, "What exactly does God want me to find? What are some of the other things God tells us all to pursue?"

This whole idea of active pursuit is interesting in light of common thinking in our world--like the view that, "Everything you need is found within." Wrong!

Repeatedly, God instructs us to find and pursue certain values or actions. I did a search for the words "find" and "pursue" in the Bible and found some things God wants us to go after.

So instead of trying to come up with a creative conclusion to this post, I'll leave us both with a challenge:

Find and pursue ...

• God (Deut. 4:29, Prov. 8:35, Jer. 29:13)
  
  
• Righteousness, faith, love and peace (Prov. 21:21, Is. 51:1, I Tim. 6:11, 2 Tim. 2:22, 1 Peter 3:11)



• Rest and refuge in Him (Ps. 36:7, Ps. 62:1, 62:5, 91:4, Matt. 11:29)
  


• Delight in His Word (Ps. 112:1, 119:35, 119:52, Prov. 4:22)
  


• Knowledge and wisdom (Prov. 2:5, 3:13, 24:14, James 1:5)
  


• Satisfying work (Ecc. 5:18, 9:10)
  


• Joy (Is. 58:14)
  


• What pleases Him (Eph. 5:10)
  


• Grace (Heb. 4:16)

* Note: The author recognizes this verse is taken completely out of context. In this post, it is used for illustrative and entertainment purposes only. It is not an endorsement to pursue stalking (eww...creepy!)--especially the kind that involves "God told me" messages or following a girl everywhere (almost including a womens' restroom). These are real situations that have occurred, but should not be repeated, authorized or attempted at home, church or work--especially by anyone who has the sense to read this post and this crazy disclaimer.

My best friend's wedding...and the friendship link

My best friend just got engaged!

I am really excited for both Devyn and Ryan (who I just recently met--great guy).

This weekend, my pastor talked about the power of relationships and the influence they can have on our lives. It made me reflect on my friendship with my best friend Devyn, how our friendship has changed over the years and some of the ways our friendship may be different going forward.

So here are some random thoughts about our friendship (and I may have to remember these for a wedding toast or cards sometime soon). :)

"Are you guys sisters?"

I don't know how many times Devyn and I have been asked this question. We don't look that much alike (we both have big eyes and smiles, though). But I think we frequently had this question come up because of the power of influence we had on each other (which is a lot after 12 years!). In high school, we started using some of the same catch phrases, our mannerisms started to become similar, sometimes we would (unintentionally) show up at school in matching or coordinating outfits (which isn't exactly cool past the fourth grade).

The best friends challenge you to grow.

Devyn and I are both a bit competitive...but I mean that in the best way. We both have this inner drive to do well at the things we're interested in. And when your best friend has a "go for it" kind of spirit, it pushes you to be your best. We challenged each other academically. We encourage each other to go for other things--from "The Sound of Music" in high school to a four-year university (when neither one of us knew how exactly we were going to pay for it all--with God's help, scholarships and a lot of hard work, we both made it!) to a European trip post-college (so much fun!).

I remember being undecided in my major when I first started at TWU. I would say things like, "I'm not exactly sure what I want to do...but that magazine writing class sounds cool." And she said something like, "You love it and you're good at it--check it out. I think communications might be a good fit for you." She was right. And it was a decision that shaped my life.

There's a God connection factor.

We met in algebra class. We went to the same high school and college. We both have two younger sisters (she also got a surprise little brother when we were 15). We both sing and like to shop. We both bought our first new cars and got our first full-time post-college jobs within a month of each other.

But those things are all pretty trivial compared to this inexplicable friendship and faith bond that we have. I think we're like Naomi and Ruth or Jonathan and David kind of friends. I feel pretty blessed to have a friend like that--someone I've not only laughed (a lot!) and cried with, but someone who I've prayed with, who prays for me (and vice versa) and just has a pretty similar faith perspective. As a pastor's kid, (almost) seminary grad. and soon-to-be pastor's wife, she knows what it means to be committed to God, church and ministry as life.

And the future?

I always knew that the day would come when Devyn would have a new best friend. And I'm really glad it's someone like Ryan.

I know our friendship will change over time as our lives and experiences change...but I will not take the God connection friendship we have lightly. I'm pretty sure it will keep us friends for life and actually, forever (as long as God doesn't have us wear matching outfits in heaven...that might be a little embarassing). :)

And something else? I'm kind of psyched to find a new God connection, best friendship with the most amazing guy I'll ever know...he might be a bit of a mystery now, but the possibility that he's out there is pretty cool.

Commitment, Phobia and Purity

Yesterday at our young adults' service, we had a time to commit to purity--abstinence for those of us who are single and faithfulness for those who are married.

I'll start by saying that I'm really glad we encourage commitment to purity. It is an important part of living a life that honors God.

I'm not sure how to phrase this exactly, but it kind of feels a bit strange to publicly recommit to purity every year.

Here's what I mean--I first made a purity pledge when I was 14. I was committed to it then as a way to honor God, my parents and my future husband--and I'm still committed to it now. I think the annual recommitment may feel a bit odd because I don't, for example, get rebaptized in water or respond to a salvation altar call every single year. My original commitments still stand there--why should a commitment to purity be any different?

The fear of commitment?

Maybe churches ask people to recommit to purity regularly as a sign of solidarity for those who are making the commitment for the first time ... possibly because too many young adults are too afraid to commit period, so we use the power of positive peer pressure to help them take a stand.

In general, I think our generation may have a wildly rampant case of commitment phobia. Why is it that so many twentysomethings are scared to commit to anything--attending a party, working at a great company for several years (even if it's hard work), volunteering, going to church or a small group regularly, getting married? You name it--it seems like a lot of people in our generation have a hard time making and keeping promises.

... Or commitment-light?

Or maybe the rationale for the broad purity recommitments is because committing to purity is something people take lightly--and therefore, the recommitment is to start over again or to simply remember a previous commitment?

There are statistics that show that although the percentage of people who save sex for marriage is higher for those who make purity pledges (a great thing), it's still (sadly) way lower than 100%. I wonder if some view purity commitments like they view committing to volunteering or attending a party--as in, "Yeah sure--I'll stay committed. As long as it's convenient for me ... or until an alternative comes around."

Is there a cure for the fear of commitment and commitment-light?

Maybe discussions about purity should start with talking about the power of a promise kept.

Personally, I have been extremely blessed to have grown up in a home where I honestly can't remember any time when Mom and Dad broke a promise--to me, to my sisters or to each other. None of us are perfect. But a couple who has stayed happily married and in love through 32 years of marriage definitely doesn't buy into the idea of commitment-light. Their example has taught me that commitment may not always be easy, but it's worth it.

I know my life experience is an exception (even in the Christian community). Most twentysomethings have lives touched repeatedly by broken promises--in their families, in broken friendships or in failed romantic relationships. If someone hasn't experienced the power of "no matter what" love and commitment, it might explain why they are afraid of it ... or doubtful that it's possible.

Perhaps the cure for a generation plagued by commitment phobia starts with a greater understanding about God's character--and the fact that He always keeps His promises. Maybe some Christians haven't realized exactly how much God is into commitments with us. And though some of His commitments (like salvation) have to do mostly with His grace, others are more dependent on our obedience.

One thing I know for sure is that God always outgives me. Obedience may seem demanding at times, but the rewards God promises--things like long life, prosperity and wisdom--always outweigh the costs.

Arranged Love?

For some reason, last week I found myself watching an MTV documentary about twentysomething Americans considering arranged marriage (yes, in 2007!).

Some were drawn to the idea because of their religion, culture or family. But one of the girls caught my attention when she said something to the effect of, "I'm 25 and I've tried meeting someone on my own, but it hasn't worked, so I thought I'd try this arranged marriage thing." She said it as if arranged marriage is simply another option for finding the person to spend the rest of your life with.

Is love supposed to be arranged?

As I watched the documentary, I actually wondered, "Is this really that different?" and even stranger, "Is love supposed to be arranged?"

Think about it--how many single Americans have been on a blind date, tried online dating or been set-up by friends? Some of my friends have found their husbands through some of these methods ... and others have simply found amazing (and sometimes strangely bizarre!) stories.

Many people believe in the idea of destiny, fate, signs that lead to love. And as Christians, I think a lot of us believe that God designed someone for us ... that He "arranges" our steps to bring us together. Even in non-romantic love, God arranges our families and puts us together with certain people (sometimes neighbors, teammates, co-workers) for a purpose.

But (in the words of DC Talk) isn't love a verb? :)

The flip side is that most of us would agree that love ... in all of its various forms ... takes work. It means daily decisions. Daily action.

It would be silly to think, for example, "I can tell my parents I love them once and then forget about it" or "God has a great job for me. He'll provide ... I'll just sit here on the couch and wait for the job to come to me."

So ... what's the bottom line?

I'm SO not an expert at this stuff--but I guess it's probably a mix of both ideas--"arrangement" and action--that makes love work.

In a lot of ways, I'm a bit skeptical of the whole arranged love thing. Even this past month, I've had two different people say to me (about two different guys), "I know this great guy who could be a great match for you ..."

But as scary as it seems, I have to be open to possibility--and really trust who (or Who) is doing the arranging.

Expect the Unexpected.

I used to live in a barn.
I went on a date with the Bachelor.
I once was a nun.
And I love crazy rides at amusement parks.

Sound surprising? These things are all true about me (and perhaps with a bit of backstory, they may seem more realistic to you).

For the most part, my life makes sense. I'm kind of a "you get what you see" kind of person. And that's okay. But there's part of me that likes to surprise people--that likes some sort of mystery (maybe it was all those Nancy Drew books I read growing up).

Expecting the Unexpected from God?

Sometimes I wonder if God is like that, too. Yes, He's the same today, yesterday and forever. He always keeps His promises. He's always just, always perfect and always holy.

But God is also full of grace--and by definition, grace is surprising. It's undeserved, unexpected. And real love is like that, too--it can catch you off guard. When I've experienced that kind of love from God, my family and friends, sometimes it hits me like, "Whoa! What did I ever do to experience something this amazing?" And the truth is, I could never really do anything to deserve love. Love in its purest form is not about deserving, it's about giving.

Living the Unexpected

So maybe I should rewind a bit and tell you how I started thinking about this topic. A few weeks ago, I was reading during my normal devotional time and saw these verses. And then I heard them again the next week at G2 (church young adults' group). Maybe God was trying to get my attention?

Anyway, I think sometimes we all can get stuck in boxes of expectations--for God, for ourselves, for other people. Yes, those boxes can come from outside influences like family, friends, acquaintances and the media. But most often, they are boxes we've built ourselves.

Don't get me wrong--I know that living a Christian life comes with some boundaries designed to protect me and bring God's best into my life. But those boundaries are miniscule compared to the great, expansive life of freedom that God has called us to--and that's what these verses are about, so I'll let you read them--and dare you to expect the unexpected in your own life.

2 Corinthians 6:11-13

I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life.

We didn't fence you in.

The smallness you feel comes from within you.

Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way.

I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection.

Open up your lives.

Live openly and expansively!

"In" with God, Masks and Me

I was reading the other day and saw these verses that I wanted to share. They probably stood out to me because they talk about masks and I've been helping with a masquerade coming up. :)

But I also liked this passage because it's a call to committed, real Christianity. Not fake or twisted to conveniently fit our own whims--but genuine and honest. I think that's the kind of faith our generation is hungry for:

"Since God has so generously let us in on what he is doing,

we're not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job

just because we run into occasional hard times.

We refuse to wear masks and play games.

We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes.

And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves.

Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open,

the whole truth on display,

so that those who want to

can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God."

2 Corinthians 4:1-2 - The Message

It's an honor to serve God--to be "in" on what's He's doing. Nothing I could ever give Him could repay what He's given me. But one thing I've learned is that best gift I can give to God is me--my whole life--staying committed "no matter what" to living a real life of faith and love that draws others to Him.

No masks. No manipulation. No maneuvering.

Just me.

In some ways, that seems kind of scary--it's vulnerable. But when I live that way, when I serve that way, it's actually the most beautiful and pure kind of love I have to offer. And yeah, that may sound cheesy--but it's just me. :)

John Mayer, A Crush And A Question From God

... Who do you love? Me? Or the thought of me?

"I Don't Trust Myself" by John Mayer, Continuum

So I was singing along in my car with John Mayer (this is a common occurrence!) when the lyrics above stood out to me.

A College Crush ...

First, I thought of a former college crush of mine. At the time anyway, he was my "on paper" perfect guy. We had the best things in common ... and enough opposites to make things interesting. He was charming and fun and could always make me smile. And at the same time, we could have these interesting real thoughtful conversations about God and life.

Don't get me wrong--he was (and is) a great guy. But in hindsight, it was the idea of him--or what a relationship with him would be like--that I was probably more interested in at the time.

Sometimes when you're getting to know somebody, you "fill in the blanks" and project onto the other person your ideas of what they are or what they "should" be. Nobody likes to be loved like that. It's not real.

... And A Question From God

So as I was singing along with John in my car, I felt like God was asking me, "Do you love Me? Or the thought of Me?"

Whoa.

It's easy for me to say or sing, "I love you" to God. But to really love Him--the real Him--is different. It means loving Him when He doesn't make sense (to me anyway) or when things aren't peachy "on paper" perfect. It means that I have to stop projecting my own (sometimes ridiculous) thoughts of who He is onto Him and start seeing and knowing the real Him.

I hope that when I say "I love you" to God that it's not flippant or out of habit. That I'm not saying, "I love you" with strings attached. That I'm just saying and meaning "I love you" for real...and forever.

Compare and Contrast

One of my regular writing tasks is to serve as a ghostwriter. Each quarter, I'm responsible for writing a magazine's equivalent to the "Letter from the Editor." You know, that short letter at the front of every magazine that, in 200 words or less, builds interest, tries to say something profound and somehow connects the dots to build a theme for each issue.

This quarter I wracked my brain trying to come up with that thread--that theme--that ties the magazine together. And it occurred to me--most of the stories are about comparing and contrasting (remember those essays you had to write in high school or college?).

Comparing and Contrasting For Grown-Ups?

The magazine I work on is for CEOs, CFOs and Treausurers responsible for overseeing their companies' money--millions and sometimes billions of dollars per organization. But what is one of the key things they're interested in? Comparing and contrasting. They look at how their investments are performing against stock market indexes, how their retirement plan compares to their industry peers' plans, or how their pension plans may be impacting the financial status of their companies.

They're actually using the same "compare and contrast" principles they learned in high school English. And guess what? You probably are, too.

Comparing and contrasting can be useful. Sometimes. It can help you make decisions--about what to wear, what to eat, who to befriend, where to work, what to do on the weekend, which route to take to a new place.

The Danger of Competition

But comparing and contrasting ourselves to others can be dangerous. And most of us do it. We compare ourselves to our coworkers, our friends, celebrities, random people on the street. You know you're in trouble when you look at people you care about as "competition." Ouch.

Comparing and contrasting ourselves to other people is beyond silly--it's dangerous. There's always going to be someone else who's smarter, thinner, more athletic, taller, better looking, richer, more talented, funnier, and more popular than each one of us.

Thank God that He doesn't compare us to others. He calls us to do the best we can with what we have.

The Freedom of Focus

Galatians 6:4-5 (The Message)

Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.

What I get from these verses is that I'm supposed to focus my energy and attention on God and moving ahead with the work He's called me to do. It's my responsibility.

But there's freedom in that focus. If I'm not bogged down by comparing myself to others, I'm free to do my "creative best." And there's something kind of cool about that.

The Friends and Family Plan - Part 2: My Circle

Part of the "Friends and Family" discussion in my small group led to later conversations about different kinds of friendships we have in our lives.

I thought I'd continue a bit with my phone plan analogy to talk a bit about different kinds of friends in my world...

My Circle

All of us have a circle of relationships in our lives. I think of this as the broad category of my relationships, including all of the levels listed below.

As the Circle Turns?

One important thing about my circle? It changes over time. Relationships can be seasonal--for example, I have friends from TWU who played a big part in my life then. I value them--I love them. But there are some I haven't seen or talked with since graduation. There are others who were probably "myFaves" then that may have moved into more of the "Speed-dial Friends" level. And that's okay--I've probably changed levels in their circles as well.

Similarly, there are people I don't know yet or who might be at the phonebook or speed-dial levels of my circle today who may become some of the most significant relationships in my life (my future husband is probably the best example).

My circle (and yours) includes:

Phonebook-level Friends

Think of this as all the people in your cell's phonebook. It's broad. These tend to be people I know and value because we share some common interests or experiences--classmates, other church choir members, co-workers, etc. A few things to note:

• All friendships start at this level.
  It's important not to discount relationships at this level because they good be speed-dial friends or myFaves in the making.
  


• Influence is limited.
  At this level, I can have some influence on others and they can have some influence on
  me--but it's usually not lasting (though it could be meaningful for a moment or a season) or at a significant level of depth. At the phonebook level, influence could also be more one-sided.

Speed-dial Friends

Friendships at this level are tighter. It's usually a level where you can handle about 8-12 relationships at any given time period--the people you have on speed-dial or your "top 8" (if you're a mySpace person). Even Jesus had a smaller circle at this level--the 12 disciples.

• Common interests & experiences + values
  My friends at the speed-dial level not only share some of my interests and experiences, but they usually share my values. In my life, they may not necessarily be Christians at this level (most are), but we usually share some key values--e.g. honesty, integrity, respect, ambition, optimism, etc.



• Influence is mutual.
  Here, both people have an impact on each other's lives. I think this is why making sure your friends at this level share some of your core values.

myFaves

The myFaves level is my "core" group of friends. For most people, the myFaves level has about 3-4 people in it (if we look at Jesus as the model, his 3 were Peter, James & John).

• Common interests & experiences + values + commitment
  What separates this level from the others is a mutual commitment to the relationship. It involves time. It involves depth and accountability.
  
  
• Influence is undeniable.
  These are the people who shape your decisions. When something big is going on in your world, they are the ones you look to for guidance (and they look to you in the same way). These people know you--the real you. They celebrate your success and stick with you through hard times.
  

A few more thoughts on my circle:

• Keep it open.
  It's easy to get stuck in a mindset of "us four, no more" or to invest all your time with your myFaves or speed-dial friends. On the flip side, some people have a huge phonebook of friends, but don't move much beyond that with the depth of myFaves friends, for example. As I said before, your circle will change over time. It's important to work on relationships at all levels.
  
  
• Recognize when a relationship changes levels--and realize that it's probably okay.
  I think sometimes people try to hold on too much to some friendships, while not investing in new ones. For example, when I moved back home after college in Canada, I had to push myself to invest in people here instead of trying to constantly maintain deep friendships with people scattered all over the world post-graduation. For me, it's important that I have myFaves friends I can regularly talk to or spend time with--and that meant other relationships changed levels.
  
  
• "God-assigned" connections come at all levels.
  In our small group series on "Friends and Family," our pastor talks about God-assigned connections--people you know God puts into your life for a reason. One thing I've seen is that God-assigned connections come at all levels--not just the myFaves/future husband level. Even acquaintances can be God-assigned connections--maybe people who inspire you spiritually (even from a distance), connect you with a new job or make you laugh at just the right time.
  
  
• Who are you allowing to influence you?
  Notice the phrasing--relationships all involve choice (even with God-assigned connections--you can choose to embrace or ignore them). Guard your speed-dial and myFaves levels closely. Choose people who will have a positive influence on you. Especially if you're dating--attraction + common interests & experiences aren't enough. If you're a Christian, dating someone who shares your faith and core values is really essential--it's not just another part of the equation, but the foundation of what your God-assigned marriage should be built on.

The Friends and Family Plan

In small groups at church, we've been talking about friends and family--and how it's best when families are friends and friends are family.

I love this topic! So I thought I'd share a few of my own thoughts on the subject and maybe a few stories from my life. I'd love to hear more from any of you as well.

God Beat MCI
First, I think it's cool to remember that God planned for us to partner throughout life with friends and family--God developed the first "Friends and Family Plan" (not MCI!).

He chose our parents before we were born. He knew who our siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles would be. If you're like me, you may have some amazing family members who are your friends, mentors and confidantes ... but you probably have some relatives who are a little dysfunctional, too (even the "amazing" have issues--we're all people after all!). Does anyone else have an uncle who sings drunk karaoke? (God bless Him, but alcohol and microphones don't mix well!).

But because you're family, you work to get along--you're bound by blood and hopefully, by love. You learn from each other (even if it's only patience!) and grow together.

Similarly, God planned for us to have friends like family. I love how the Bible talks about Christians as "the family of God" - what an honor! Like my biological family, my Christian family is bound together by blood (Christ's) and love.

But even beyond the family of God, we are all called to friendships. It's important not to discount friendships with non-Christians--because those relationships may help them come to know Christ or even see glimpses of Him through us.

"Welcome to the family..."
Have you ever had an (almost) instant connection with someone? Or a moment when you know or feel like God put a friendship/acquaintance/relationship in your life for a reason? Here are a few examples I've experienced in my own life ... and I'd encourage you to think about some in your life as well:

• Algebra anyone?
  I don't think I ever expected to meet my best friend in a math class ... but that's exactly what happened. It was the first day of 9th grade. I was sitting at a table with a few other friends when a new girl walked into class. "Would you like to sit with us?" I asked. And I think she was relieved to find a place.
  
  
  Anyway, we connected almost immediately--we both are the oldest children with two younger sisters (though she also got a "surprise" baby brother later!), we both have weird names, a similar sense of humor, and we both like to shop for deals--but beyond that, we share our faith and a similar commitment to church and ministry. Twelve years later, we've gone through a lot together ... and I know she has played a big part in shaping who I am today and challenging me to be better. And hopefully I've done some of the same things for her as well. :)
  
  
• "Family" Holidays with Strangers
  My parents have been known to celebrate major holidays twice...we'll have extended family Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter and then church family Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter. I have to say that usually the "church family" holidays are more fun (I'll caveat it by saying my immediate family is usually at both events).
  
  I remember coming home from college for Easter and sitting in my parents' kitchen. This other girl was there smiling and holding a cup of coffee, "I'm Rebecca," she said, "What's your name?"
  
  "I'm Jonita. And I live here," I smiled and joked back and forth with Rebecca as we talked for awhile. She looked so at ease sitting in my parents' house--I found out later that Mom and Dad invited her to Easter dinner after meeting her at church. They didn't really know her well, but found out that her husband was working during the holiday and Rebecca would have probably spent it alone ... so they invited her over.
  
  As I looked around the room, I saw kids running around and people laughing and talking loudly ... we really did look like a (big, multi-cultural) family. Even though we all started as strangers, we are bound together through Christ and through "doing life together" friendship.
  
  On a (somewhat) different note--We have a church family friend (who's my Dad's age) who always greets us with, "Hey family!" and big hugs. I love that.
  

There's probably a million other examples I could write about...maybe more on this topic later.

The Waiting Game

Does anyone actually enjoy waiting?

For the most part, I hate it. I don't like sitting at the chiropractor's office for 20 minutes for a 10 minute appointment, waiting in a LONG drive thru line at a fast food place when all I want is an iced tea, or waiting for a meal to arrive at a restaurant while a nearby table of customers (who arrived after my group!!!) is chowing down on dinner.

It's not just the little things. Waiting for the BIG things in life can be frustrating, too. And I'm sure I'm not alone ...

Have you ever waited for a promotion? Waited for school to be completely finished (or your student loans to be paid off)? Waited until you can own your own home? Or to meet and marry Mr. Right?

The thing about waiting is that it usually has a purpose (did I really just type that?!?). It can seem pointless at times, but once you reach your goals, you realize the value of the wait. So here are a few of the benefits of waiting:

• Waiting can provide experiences that prepare you for your future.
  For example, if you actually became the CEO of a large corporation straight after college, would you really be ready? Would you be ready to oversee multi-million dollar budgets, manage thousands of employees and set a vision for the company's next 20 years? Probably not.
  
  While you're waiting, seek experiences that will make you a better boss, husband, wife, employee or parent. Yes, waiting can provide good experiences--but most of the time, you have to seek them. You can't just sit on the couch and wake up as a CEO--you've got to first get hired somewhere (or invent something amazing in your garage, Bill Gates!), be willing to learn from others' experiences, build a reputation, learn more, fail, step out and try something new, think of a new idea, learn even more ... and the cycle keeps going.
  
  
• Waiting can build your character.
  As annoying as it can sound at times, "Patience is a virtue." The sheer act of waiting helps us realize that not everything can be just as we want it--in an instant. It teaches us to depend on God, to be content with what we have, and to enjoy a present moment.
  
  Besides patience, there may be other parts of your character that are "under construction" before you reach your goals. Maybe there's a habit you need to break, a strength you need to build, maturity you need to develop, or a weakness that needs taming.
  


• Waiting can save you from making impulsive decisions.
  It's best not to make the BIG decisions of life when you're super stressed, under pressure or emotionally vulnerable. Just breathe, seek some (wise!) advice, pray and wait to make the decision until you can feel pretty confident about it.
  
  At the same time, realize that there's not always a "perfect time" for everything. There's a balance between being too impulsive and being too paralyzed to make decisions at all. Analyze, but don't overanalyze. Don't be impulsive, but allow for some spontaneity in your life.
  

Another thing about waiting? No matter where you're at in life, if you're a goal-oriented person, you're usually waiting (and working toward) something. I have single friends who talk about waiting for marriage, married friends who talk about waiting to have kids, and older acquaintances that talk about waiting for retirement.

The Waiting Game is really all about balance ... make the most of your wait by multi-tasking (yes, I am one of those people who will talk on my cell and read a magazine in the chiropractor's office!). Don't just sit still. Do something productive with the time you've been given. It will make you better prepared for the day when that promotion, Mr. Right, child, or home comes into your life.

Chosen

Everyone wants to be chosen...

Whether it's being picked to be someone's employee, basketball team member, girlfriend, mentor, or best friend--there's something amazing and empowering in knowing that someone picked you. Someone thinks you're special. Someone thinks you're valuable and worth their attention.

"Tag, you're it!"

One of the coolest things about God is that He chose us. He chose you. He picked me.
He could have been content to live in a perfect world with perfect supermodel robots who always make the right choices to love Him and each other...and eat only broccolli, study for fun and smile all the time with perfect teeth. :)

But He didn't. That world would have been perfect, but it would have been boring.

He picked us. Yes, He chose to give His life for us so that we could have a personal relationship with Him. But beyond that, He chose us to represent Him--to be His voice and to do the work He's called us all to do.

I Peter 2:9-10 (The Message)
But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God's instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.

Real love is chosen.

Another cool (and sometimes frustrating) thing about God? He chose to give us our own choices. (Sometimes I wonder why...being a perfect supermodel robot might make life simpler!)

But maybe God wanted to be chosen, too. He picked us first, but maybe He wants us to choose Him every day. Probably because robot-obligation love isn't real love at all--real love is chosen.

10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating

Relationships. It was the February theme of our young adults' services at church. It was all practical, informative and inspiring ... but part of me wished someone would have talked to those of us that are single single. You know--not married or dating at all (for the moment). So I came up with my own list of things that I wish Christian guys knew about dating ... and for any guys out there, I'd love to hear your words of wisdom for all of us women.

10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating

1. Be what you want.
It's so simple--but applies to all of us in any type of relationship. If you want someone who's smart and interesting, be smart and interesting yourself. If you want someone who loves God and church, live your faith and be an active part of your church.

2. Make an effort.
Yes, it can be intimidating. But when you're interested in someone, ask them out. It doesn't mean you're getting married ... really (as a sidenote, I think it's important not to date someone when you know for sure you'd never marry them). If you're already dating or married, make an effort to plan dates or special things to make your girlfriend/wife feel special. For most of us, it doesn't have to be expensive ... thoughtful cards, washing the car, etc. make us feel appreciated and valued.

3. Don't be a player.
Christian guys may not sleep around, but they can still be players ... if you're flirting all the time with a girls' friends, she's probably not going to be interested in you. And if you flirt with everyone, how is she supposed to know that you're interested in her at all?

4. Don't say "God told me..." as a tactic to get what you want.
If God talks to you, he's probably talking to us, too. There's not really a great way for Christian women to respond to guys who say "God told me..." if they don't agree ... and some guys have used this line as a tactic to control. Don't feel as if you have to spiritualize your feelings or your own desires. It's okay to be honest and say, "I really like you" or "I don't feel this relationship is working" without using "God told me..." as a fallback caveat.

5. Get a job and love it.
Here's the good news--you don't have to be rich to get a good Christian woman to love you. But we don't want to date slackers either. Get a job you love (or be in training for one at school). We think ambition is attractive, so find a career you like and go for it.

6. Treat the women in your life with respect.
We watch how you treat your moms, sisters, women in authority, women at work ... etc. We see it as an indicator of how we you will treat us.

7. Don't be intimidated by our strength.
There's a perception that good Christian women should be quiet, subservient, meek and mild. But that perception has no basis in the Bible. Yes, women in the Bible are instructed to honor their husbands as the leaders of their homes. But women in the Bible are also strong--Rahab helped God's people conquer a city, Esther saved a nation through her position as a queen, Deborah was a judge. Even the ideal woman in Prov. 31 was resourceful--she's an entrepreneurial businesswoman who buys property and turns it into a vineyard (31:16) and a clothing designer who sells clothes to make profit (31:24). Read more. The point? If your wife or girlfriend is strong, she can be more of a support to you--a partner to walk with you through life.
8. Be confident, not cocky.
Most women don't like passive guys. Be strong and confident in knowing who you are in Christ. But don't act as if you are God's only gift to the planet. Listen to other people and their ideas. Don't talk or think about yourself all the time. Don't act as if it's your way or the highway.

9. Laugh.
In multiple research studies, "a sense of humor" rates high on the qualities that most women are looking for in their relationships.You don't have to be super spiritual all the time. Relax. Smile. Laugh.

10. The most important: Love God with all of your heart.
If you love God, show it. Go to church. Participate in worship. Pray. Read your Bible. Love God and go after His plan for your life.

Question: Any ideas out there for single Christian women?

"He knows me best and loves me most."

A few years ago, I was writing an article around Valentine's Day. I interviewed couples who had been happily married, most for 10 years or more. I asked one woman, "What do you appreciate most about your husband?"

"He knows me best and loves me most."

There was something about her answer that resonated with me. I haven't had a relationship like that (yet) with a guy, but I think her answer sums up how God sees all of us ... so I did some digging through the Bible to find out more.

There's really too much to include in this short blog entry, but I'll include some of the thoughts I gathered:

• You're created in God's image ... and he sees you as good. (Genesis 1:26-27, 1:31)
  
• God knew you before you were born and sees you as wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:12-14)
  
• You're valuable. So much so that He sent His only Son to earth, so that by believing in Him, you can have eternal life. (John 3:16, Romans 5:8, 1 John 4:10)
  
• God's is love. His love for you is perfect--it's undeserved and unchanging. (Exodus 34:6, Romans 8:39, 1 Corinthians 13)

This may seem simple, but it can be really life-changing if it's taken to heart. If God sees us as valuable, why do we doubt our worth? If He sees us as good, why do we overemphasize our imperfections or compare ourselves to others?

I don't have all the answers, but I do believe that how I see God shapes how I see myself and the world around me. If I really understand how He sees me--how he sees humanity--my own view of myself and others is clearer.