Change - Part 3: When change just happens

“What have you been up to the past year?”

I paused before answering, “In a lot ways, my life is basically the same—I have the same job, live in the same house, attend the same church. But it seems really weird to say that…because so much has changed.”

As I was catching up with a friend recently, I thought about some of the changes I’ve experienced since the beginning of 2008 (not in chronological order or order of importance by any means!). Some of them are good. Some of them are bad. And some of them, I’m honestly not sure about yet.

Here’s the short list (NOTE: These are mostly changes tied to “events”—we all go through intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical changes, too—but I’ll spare you from reading about all of those!):

• I had my first-ever surgery (on a broken arm), went through weeks of physical therapy and am now back to normal. :)
  


• Our young adults’ service at church was revamped and renamed.
  


• Some friends moved away.
  


• My company’s CEO changed—and so did some of our senior leadership team.
  


• My parents started considering moving to Arizona (we’ll see…).
  


• My best friend got married.
  


• The financial markets went into a rollercoaster environment—greatly impacting my day-to-day work (and stress levels!).
  


• My boss was laid off.
  


• I have a new boss (who, thankfully, I also like).
  


• Some friends moved back home.
  


• My middle sister Hannah (and co-owner of my house) was laid off.
  


• My little sister got married. Congrats Kevin & Holly!
  


• Our company laid off approx. 20% of people globally, including over 60% of my team—great friends and talented team members are definitely missed.
  


• Hannah got a great job—and a nice pay increase. Yay!

Some of these bullet points represent major life changes for people I care about deeply—and have significantly impacted my relationships with them. Other changes have impacted me directly—and shaped my day-to-day life.

But guess what? I honestly couldn’t have said or done anything to stop these changes from occurring. In some cases, these events have been exciting…and others have been brutally painful. But these are all changes that “just happened.”

So…what can you (and I!) do when change “just happens”?

This is a tough question and something I'm still trying to figure out. To be honest, I don't know if I ever could figure it out (see #1), but it's a topic you and I will probably wrestle with our entire lives. That said, here's what I'm learning now:

1. Let go...of the need to know "why?"

Particularly when bad, sad or difficult things happen, many of us want to know "why?" And in many cases where I can't control anything, letting go of the need to know "why?" can be healthy (yet especially hard for any "inquiring minds" who have ever been news reporters at any level!).
The drive to know "why?" can be unhealthy in these cases because:

a) Sometimes being a little in the dark is a good thing--with knowledge comes responsibility.

b) The drive to know "why?" can easily morph into a "digging for dirt" mission focused on finding the negative--about people, organizations or situations.

c) The drive to know "why?" can lead you to dive in to situations you were never meant to be in.

2. Let go...of trying to control the things you can't.

This probably sounds like common sense, given the defintion of change that "just happens." But it's not. Sometimes when change happens, an initial reaction is to ask, "What if...?" questions.

But "What if...?" questions are focused on the past. You can't change that. When change "just happens", I think it can be more effective to ask the, "What now...?" questions.

That said, no matter which questions we ask or what actions we take, there are some things outside our control. And I personally believe that's where faith comes in.

3. Hold on...to the things that really matter (and things don't really matter).

It's really interesting to see how people respond to change--especially life-threatening or life-altering circumstances. I've been blessed enough to know some amazing people who, when faced with horrible circumstances, can look for the good.

When my sister lost her job...and I wasn't sure I would keep mine...we would say things like, "No matter what happens, God is still God. We still have our family, our friends, our church, our health. There's a lot to be thankful for!"

Have you ever known someone who has faced a life threatening illness or situation? It's interesting to see their perspectives and how they spend their time. I only wish more of us (myself included!) could live that way always.

4. Hold on...your story isn't over.

One of my friends frequently says, "This too shall pass!" (usually with some laughter) to cope with rocky situations (or crazy annoying people--and let's be honest--we all know them...and we've all probably BEEN them to someone else!). :)

Whenever change "just happens", it can make you feel powerless. Although I can't control the kind of change that just happens to me, I CAN have a say in how it affects my attitude and choices...which affect my future.

Are Christians Afraid to Think?

A few weeks ago, I found myself in a group where two people were discussing a story shared by a guest speaker at their church.

One questioned the example, "That doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't sound like anything I've heard or read before."

"It's totally true," her friend replied.

"Aww...do you believe everything you hear?" the other said with a teasing tone.

"If it comes from the pulpit, I do." End of discussion.

Something about this conversation bothered me. It was just a casual "debate" between two friends. It wasn't dealing with a major issue of faith. I don't think either of the people involved in the discussion were that serious about their positions. But the logic of, "I just believe whatever I hear from the pulpit" or, taken further, "It's not right to ask questions about anything I'm told at church" didn't sit right with me.

As much as I wish it were true, there's nothing inherently sacred about a pulpit, platform or political office. Great pastors like Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke about dreams from a pulpit ... but so did pastors who were white supremacists. Great politicians like Abraham Lincoln encouraged a country to unify ... but so did Hitler. And all of these speakers--from the great to the horrific--had Christians following them.

Don't get me wrong--99.9% of the time, I completely agree with my pastors and leaders--and trust them as much as I trust my family and very close friends.

"Please (don't!) check your brain at the door ... "

But I think God wants Christians to be more than robots. When we get saved, no one says, "Welcome to church. Please check your brain at the door and take a seat in one the cozy chairs. Just chill, sit still and absorb whatever your pastor/leader/teacher tells you."


We shouldn't be afraid to ask questions--it actually helps us grow and can make our beliefs stronger. Asking questions doesn't mean we're stupid. It doesn't mean that we need to constantly change our core beliefs. And it definitely doesn't mean that should disrespect our leaders. The best students, the most innovative leaders and the best listeners are all good at asking questions. Asking questions simply means that you have a desire to learn--to get to know God, His Word and even your own beliefs--better.

It's one thing to say, "I believe X because my pastor/leader/mom/a televangelist said so." But people who change the world don't just believe something because someone else told them to--they know what they believe.

Even more important, if a non-Christian (or even a new Christian) asks you something about your faith, saying "I believe X because my pastor said so" probably won't sit well with them.

What does this kind of questioning look like?


It means not sitting passively in the grandstands, but being engaged with what you're hearing or reading. It's about approaching life (especially the Bible and Christian messages) with a desire to learn. The kind of thinking I'm talking about doesn't mean being critical or looking for fault.


For example, when I first started working at an investment firm, sometimes I would attend meetings where people talked about concepts or even used words I didn't understand at all. It felt like I was dropped on a different planet where everyone else seemed to speak the same language, but I could only pick up the basics ... kind of like a foreign language camp (not that I ever went to one of those!).

So I started asking questions ... mostly in notes to myself. When I was in meetings and stuff came up that I didn't understand, I'd write down things like, "Look up 'alpha' ", "Ask Jane to explain mutual fund share classes" or "I don't understand why XYZ business unit does something differently. Find out more--and see if we may want to think about adopting their approach."

I think I take a similar approach to taking notes in church--not just writing down the points of the speaker, but sometimes adding my own questions and notes, "I don't understand X. Look up more about it." or "This is a cool verse! What else does the Bible have to say about this topic?" or "This Bible character seems interesting. What else does the Bible say about him? Are there other Bible characters that had a similar experience?"

Keys to keep in mind when you're questioning

• Ask how the topic or issue lines up with the Bible. If you don't know the Bible well, ask someone you trust or check out a Bible search feature for key topics like Bible Gateway). I've also got an older post that covers some questions to think about when you read the Bible (or hear from it in messages) and resources to help (see Google Faith ).


• Consider the source ... For example, is it someone you know and trust? Someone qualified in his/her profession (e.g. are you taking health advice from a doctor)? How does their life line up with what they're saying? (For example, I wouldn't necessarily take relationship advice from someone who has been divorced two times or financial advice from someone whose finances are out of whack.)
  
• ... But understand you can usually learn something from anyone. Credibility can be important, but it only happens over time. Give people the benefit of the doubt. If your main focus is learning and growing, you can usually learn something from anyone--even if it's what NOT to do. :)


• Ask how your question lines up with what you know about God's character. For example, let's say someone tells you, "The most spiritual people are poor--you know, like Mother Teresa" and you wonder, "Is that true?" If you know God as the provider who meets all your needs and the God who wants to make you "prosperous and successful," then you'd know the first statement isn't true.


• Look at the big picture. When you're reading the Bible or listening to a message, keep a big picture perspective--what's the main idea? Don't get caught up in minuscule issues or technicalities.
  
• Realize that there aren't answers to every question. As much as you can learn, there's some stuff that can't be answered or "proven" by anyone on this planet. That's where faith comes in--sometimes you have to trust the truth even when you can't see it.

Why Bold is Hot

So I was chatting with my sister the other day who happened to mention that a disportionately high number of single women volunteered at our church's recent BOLD mens' conference.

As one of those single women, I can honestly write that I wasn't specifically volunteering to meet or spend extra time with Mr. Right (though I'm not going to lie, it would have been nice...). :)

Honestly, I volunteered because:

A) I think it's important to support any guy (old, young, married, single) ... or any person for that matter ... who wants to grow in their faith.

B) I think it's important to "walk the talk" -- if we encourage the guys to volunteer at the womens' conference, us ladies should step up and volunteer for them.

C) I wanted to play Nintendo Wii and get a free henna tattoo. (I'm totally joking here -- but these were some side benefits of volunteering). :)

But back to the whole "Bold is hot" idea...

So why did so many single women sign up to help at the BOLD mens' conference? I think it's because the idea of a bold kind of guy is appealing.

It's true in the secular world, too. Just this past week I saw an article on MSN for guys titled "How to ask a woman out" (and of course I totally read it to see what "the other side" is hearing!). It doesn't talk about spending a fortune on clothes or a fancy car -- the article basically just encourages guys to be confident. And I found myself totally agreeing with a lot of its concepts.

But the idea of boldness is not restricted to guys ... us women should aim to be bold, too.

So what does a bold guy or girl look like?

• Convicted
  (No, this doesn't mean that you have to go to jail to be really bold!) - To me, this kind of bold is someone who has strength of character -- he or she is convicted by the moral standards of the Bible and by a desire to live a life of integrity (being who they say they are). It means choosing to live a life that is restrained by the principles of God's Word -- while knowing that real freedom is only found within that "restraint."
  


• Clear
  You know where bold people stand, what they believe, what they're passionate about. They don't play games or hide behind pretenses. Their intentions are obvious -- they go after what they want in life.
  
  
• Confident
  Bold people walk in strength and security. They're not cocky, but they have this cool kind of vibe -- they're comfortable in their own skin and they make others feel comfortable, too.
  
  
• Committed
  Bold people are committed -- to a cause, a church, their families -- something or someone they're willing to fight for. They don't waffle in the face of adversity or switch an opinion (those that really matter anyway) under pressure. They're decisive because they know what or who they're committed to.

The Friends and Family Plan

In small groups at church, we've been talking about friends and family--and how it's best when families are friends and friends are family.

I love this topic! So I thought I'd share a few of my own thoughts on the subject and maybe a few stories from my life. I'd love to hear more from any of you as well.

God Beat MCI
First, I think it's cool to remember that God planned for us to partner throughout life with friends and family--God developed the first "Friends and Family Plan" (not MCI!).

He chose our parents before we were born. He knew who our siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles would be. If you're like me, you may have some amazing family members who are your friends, mentors and confidantes ... but you probably have some relatives who are a little dysfunctional, too (even the "amazing" have issues--we're all people after all!). Does anyone else have an uncle who sings drunk karaoke? (God bless Him, but alcohol and microphones don't mix well!).

But because you're family, you work to get along--you're bound by blood and hopefully, by love. You learn from each other (even if it's only patience!) and grow together.

Similarly, God planned for us to have friends like family. I love how the Bible talks about Christians as "the family of God" - what an honor! Like my biological family, my Christian family is bound together by blood (Christ's) and love.

But even beyond the family of God, we are all called to friendships. It's important not to discount friendships with non-Christians--because those relationships may help them come to know Christ or even see glimpses of Him through us.

"Welcome to the family..."
Have you ever had an (almost) instant connection with someone? Or a moment when you know or feel like God put a friendship/acquaintance/relationship in your life for a reason? Here are a few examples I've experienced in my own life ... and I'd encourage you to think about some in your life as well:

• Algebra anyone?
  I don't think I ever expected to meet my best friend in a math class ... but that's exactly what happened. It was the first day of 9th grade. I was sitting at a table with a few other friends when a new girl walked into class. "Would you like to sit with us?" I asked. And I think she was relieved to find a place.
  
  
  Anyway, we connected almost immediately--we both are the oldest children with two younger sisters (though she also got a "surprise" baby brother later!), we both have weird names, a similar sense of humor, and we both like to shop for deals--but beyond that, we share our faith and a similar commitment to church and ministry. Twelve years later, we've gone through a lot together ... and I know she has played a big part in shaping who I am today and challenging me to be better. And hopefully I've done some of the same things for her as well. :)
  
  
• "Family" Holidays with Strangers
  My parents have been known to celebrate major holidays twice...we'll have extended family Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter and then church family Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter. I have to say that usually the "church family" holidays are more fun (I'll caveat it by saying my immediate family is usually at both events).
  
  I remember coming home from college for Easter and sitting in my parents' kitchen. This other girl was there smiling and holding a cup of coffee, "I'm Rebecca," she said, "What's your name?"
  
  "I'm Jonita. And I live here," I smiled and joked back and forth with Rebecca as we talked for awhile. She looked so at ease sitting in my parents' house--I found out later that Mom and Dad invited her to Easter dinner after meeting her at church. They didn't really know her well, but found out that her husband was working during the holiday and Rebecca would have probably spent it alone ... so they invited her over.
  
  As I looked around the room, I saw kids running around and people laughing and talking loudly ... we really did look like a (big, multi-cultural) family. Even though we all started as strangers, we are bound together through Christ and through "doing life together" friendship.
  
  On a (somewhat) different note--We have a church family friend (who's my Dad's age) who always greets us with, "Hey family!" and big hugs. I love that.
  

There's probably a million other examples I could write about...maybe more on this topic later.

Common Law Church?

What's a piece of paper worth? A lot--if it means your heart, your life, your time.

Most Christians would agree with the statement above if it applies to marriage. But what about church membership? If we're attending or participating at a church--does it really matter if we "make it official" and become a church member?

Church Consumers
Of course! If we just attend a church without becoming part of it, it's like a common law marriage. We become users of the church without committing ourselves wholly to it. We consume, instead of creating community. Church becomes "a place I like to hang out" (notice the "I" focus) instead of the center of our lives.

Don't get me wrong--we should enjoy being at church. It should be fun, inspiring and a place where we have friendship with others. Those things are all important. But if that's all church is to us, we miss out on the beauty of belonging to something bigger than ourselves.

The Opportunity to Influence
I think these thoughts struck me this weekend when I was talking with some of my friends about finding church volunteers and some of the qualities we should look for in small group leaders. As we talked, several of us highlighted stories of approaching people to lead and hearing, "I'm too busy" or "Small group is the place where I come to get filled up myself, not lead". These responses break my heart ... because these people are missing out on an incredible opportunity to influence. If Christ gave His life for the church, can't we give 2 hours a month to help lead a small group--or serve in some other way?

The People Who "Get It"
On the flip side, the people who get these principles continue to amaze me. Yesterday, I was at a meeting at our church volunteers--a church of over 5,000 members--and maybe 400 regular volunteers. Some of them hold several jobs and go to school--and somehow manage to volunteer in multiple parts of the church and/or other community organizations. They're busy! They have friends, families and successful careers...but they love church and they love life.

The key? They've dedicated their lives to serving because they've found something worth committing to--and they see the rewards of belonging.

Question: How do those of us who "get it" encourage others to follow our example of belonging and serving?

10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating

Relationships. It was the February theme of our young adults' services at church. It was all practical, informative and inspiring ... but part of me wished someone would have talked to those of us that are single single. You know--not married or dating at all (for the moment). So I came up with my own list of things that I wish Christian guys knew about dating ... and for any guys out there, I'd love to hear your words of wisdom for all of us women.

10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating

1. Be what you want.
It's so simple--but applies to all of us in any type of relationship. If you want someone who's smart and interesting, be smart and interesting yourself. If you want someone who loves God and church, live your faith and be an active part of your church.

2. Make an effort.
Yes, it can be intimidating. But when you're interested in someone, ask them out. It doesn't mean you're getting married ... really (as a sidenote, I think it's important not to date someone when you know for sure you'd never marry them). If you're already dating or married, make an effort to plan dates or special things to make your girlfriend/wife feel special. For most of us, it doesn't have to be expensive ... thoughtful cards, washing the car, etc. make us feel appreciated and valued.

3. Don't be a player.
Christian guys may not sleep around, but they can still be players ... if you're flirting all the time with a girls' friends, she's probably not going to be interested in you. And if you flirt with everyone, how is she supposed to know that you're interested in her at all?

4. Don't say "God told me..." as a tactic to get what you want.
If God talks to you, he's probably talking to us, too. There's not really a great way for Christian women to respond to guys who say "God told me..." if they don't agree ... and some guys have used this line as a tactic to control. Don't feel as if you have to spiritualize your feelings or your own desires. It's okay to be honest and say, "I really like you" or "I don't feel this relationship is working" without using "God told me..." as a fallback caveat.

5. Get a job and love it.
Here's the good news--you don't have to be rich to get a good Christian woman to love you. But we don't want to date slackers either. Get a job you love (or be in training for one at school). We think ambition is attractive, so find a career you like and go for it.

6. Treat the women in your life with respect.
We watch how you treat your moms, sisters, women in authority, women at work ... etc. We see it as an indicator of how we you will treat us.

7. Don't be intimidated by our strength.
There's a perception that good Christian women should be quiet, subservient, meek and mild. But that perception has no basis in the Bible. Yes, women in the Bible are instructed to honor their husbands as the leaders of their homes. But women in the Bible are also strong--Rahab helped God's people conquer a city, Esther saved a nation through her position as a queen, Deborah was a judge. Even the ideal woman in Prov. 31 was resourceful--she's an entrepreneurial businesswoman who buys property and turns it into a vineyard (31:16) and a clothing designer who sells clothes to make profit (31:24). Read more. The point? If your wife or girlfriend is strong, she can be more of a support to you--a partner to walk with you through life.
8. Be confident, not cocky.
Most women don't like passive guys. Be strong and confident in knowing who you are in Christ. But don't act as if you are God's only gift to the planet. Listen to other people and their ideas. Don't talk or think about yourself all the time. Don't act as if it's your way or the highway.

9. Laugh.
In multiple research studies, "a sense of humor" rates high on the qualities that most women are looking for in their relationships.You don't have to be super spiritual all the time. Relax. Smile. Laugh.

10. The most important: Love God with all of your heart.
If you love God, show it. Go to church. Participate in worship. Pray. Read your Bible. Love God and go after His plan for your life.

Question: Any ideas out there for single Christian women?