Fear, love and freedom

"I will not fear
I will not deny Your love...
All of my life
I could not deny Your love."

When I sang these words for the first time, I didn't really think about them. It was about mechanics. Memorization. Music notes.

But music is so much more than notes. Words like these were designed to mean something.

They're from a song called "Freedom is here" by Hillsong United. It's a song to (and about) God.

When I started thinking about the lyrics, I thought they were about having courage to share my faith…to live for God. Maybe that is true. But maybe it’s about something more.

As I again contemplated the song lyrics above, I realized that when I live in fear, it can be a form of denying God’s love. Because when I live as if I know I’m loved, it’s virtually impossible to be afraid.

Let me explain...when people see me, it’s like they’re watching a little girl standing on the edge of a diving board. The girl who knows and trusts her Dad to catch her approaches the edge differently than the girl who doesn’t trust her dad at all…or the one who doesn’t believe anyone is in the pool waiting for her with open arms.

I’m not diving into a pool today, but every day I dive into situations, relationships, work…you name it. Do I jump with confidence? Or hesitate?

In the words of another musician (Dave Barnes—my fave—to be exact), “Where love is, fear won’t tread.”

I believe with all my heart that there’s a freedom found in Love alone.

Who am I...really?

"Who am I...really?" is a basic question that usually comes with not-so-basic answers. And I think it's a question many people...and even companies...are asking right now.

Take Starbucks, for example. It's a huge global company with thousands of employees, millions of customers and billions of dollars in revenue. But last month, I sat in a room with Starbucks' CEO Howard Schultz (yup, that's us pictured above!). It was a regular-sized Starbucks store with about 50 regular "Joe"s (and "Jo"s, too--if you count me!) in the middle of Lakewood, Washington--a town known for its strange mix of gangs, mansions and military.

Why was I there? Because Starbucks is searching. It's looking for ideas, feedback and even criticism from regular people--Starbucks is feeling a bit lost. For the first time in its history, Starbucks' profits are down, stores are closing and baristas are losing their jobs.

Likewise, I think there are many people in society--average "Joe"s and "Jo"s if you will--that have been shaken lately. They feel lost without their jobs, their savings, the "stuff" they can't afford anymore. Some have lost their foundation--a belief they could do anything themselves--or that money, a fancy title or "stuff" defined them.

In some ways, that questioning, that shaken spirit is frightening. It can be scary. But I also believe it could help people change their lives (or companies change their focus) for the better.

Why? Because sometimes we need to get back to asking and answering basic questions. Here's some that I hope people are considering:

• What do I believe?
  


• How are my beliefs reflected in my actions? In how I spend time? How I talk? How I spend money?
  


• What are my non-negotiables--the things I know for sure and won't compromise on?
  


• Who (or what) do I love...really?
  


• What am I passionate about? What are things I hate?
  


• What's my purpose?
  


• What are my strengths?
  


• What do I want to be remembered for?
  


• What do I need to get rid of?
  


• What do I need to change?

For those who love God, some of the questions should actually be phrased a bit differently. For example:

• What does the Bible say about who and what God is passionate about? Who does God love? What are things God loves? What are things God hates?
  


• What's God's purpose for this planet? For people? For the Church globally?
  


• What does the Bible say about how God views me?
  


• How can I partner with God--using the passion and strenghs He's given me--to fulfill His purpose?
  


• Is there something I need to change or give up, so that I can be the person God wants me to be?

I believe this season in history will have a serious impact on the destiny of people, companies and religions worldwide.

I hope that it's a season where Christians wake up, get a clue about who they are in Christ--and start living as people filled with love, hope and the confidence that comes from knowing the truth.

But this is not a time to be solely focused on ourselves. It's not a time to stay inwardly focused--because plenty of liars, false religions, cheap imitations of love and pleasure--will be on the prowl trying to "save" people as well.

Most importantly, I pray that we as Christians will be bold enough to start helping others ask the questions, search for answers and find truth in Christ and a family of believers (called the Church).

People are searching. This is a serious time for real questions...but it is also an opportunity to find real answers.

One thing I know for sure? Live the questions by pursuing truth with all you've got. Because God is the source of truth. And knowing Him--and the truth of His Word--is the only way to find freedom.

The truth about secrets

“My boyfriend thinks I love football. The truth? I don’t know the difference between a first down or a third down, the Raiders or the Patriots…and I don’t really care."

“I don't like my job. And I feel horrible even writing that when so many people would die to have what I have. It's a dream job...but it's not my dream."


"I'm in love with my best friend. I'm pretty sure she likes me, too, but she's into the whole 'the guy asks the girl out' kinda thing. I'm not afraid of commitment or even that our friendship will change. I'm afraid that she'd settle for me...that I may not be the kind of guy she deserves."


I stood in the middle of Hudson News at O'Hare reading secrets like this compiled in "Post Secret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives" by Frank Warren. I don't know the full backstory on the book, but it looks like the author may have just found some of the secrets--there was a mix of drawings on napkins, letters, e-mails. As I flipped through the pages, I felt like I was eavesdropping on other people's lives...but I was completely sucked in to the secrets of strangers.

Perhaps it was largely due to curiosity. But just flipping through that book, I thought about a few truths I know about secrets:

• We're more alike than we're different.
  
  What were most people's secrets about? Love. Family. Purpose. Friendship. Faith. As different as we are, most of us care most about the big things in our lives...and I think that's pretty cool.

• Writing a secret can be cathartic. But think carefully when you hit "send", "post" or mail that letter.
  
  I personally know that writing your thoughts can be empowering, rewarding, or even cathartic. Writing something down on paper or on screen makes your thoughts more real--they actually become tangible ink on paper, words on a screen. When you write, you are trying to make sense of your experience--capturing your ideas into words. However, I am also really glad that there are letters I haven't mailed, e-mails I haven't sent or blog posts I haven't published. I wonder how many of the contributors to Post Secret wish their secrets never saw the stands at Hudson News, Borders or your local library.

• If someone entrusts you with a secret, guard it carefully ...
  
  I just did a quick Bible search on the word "secret" and one of the references that stood out to me said, "A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret" (Proverbs 11:13). Learning to be quiet or stop a gossip train isn't easy for everyone. But by being a good listener and guarding the secrets of others, you become a trusted friend/family member and ally.

• ... But the truth always comes out.
  
  This was something my Dad used to tell us while we were growing up--mainly to help us end major family dramas--like cheating at Candyland (you know who you are, middle sister!). But I think he was definitely right. Ultimately, God knows everything about all of us, so there aren't really any secrets. And from what I've seen, secrets--like motives--often surface in the real world, too. I think by teaching us this, my Dad was teaching us to live honest lives of integrity--to be who we said we were. It's been a good lesson to learn.

• Some secrets shouldn't be secret.
  
  When I flipped through the Post Secret book, I was a bit surprised that some of the entries were secrets. People wrote such beautiful things about how much they loved a spouse, children, parents, etc.--and I can only hope that those secrets were shared with the people who were so appreciated, respected or loved.

Quote of the day: Risk

I found this while I was doing a search for a work project. Hope you enjoy it:

“To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To hope is to risk pain.

To try is to risk failure,

but risk must be taken

because the greatest hazard in life

is to risk nothing.”

Super sidekicks

With every leader, there stands a great ally...

Leadership is a concept continually praised in the Christian community. There are hundreds of Christian books, messages and conferences about leadership. Young children at Sunday schools, Christian schools and kids’ ministries are encouraged to lead. We often hear about the leaders and heroes of the Bible—people like David, Joshua and Moses.

Even in secular society, leadership is highly valued. In movies, being a leading lady is viewed as better than the best friend (e.g. The Holiday). Starring as the lead actor trumps being the wingman. (What little boy wants to be Robin for Halloween when he could be Batman?) College students dream of working in the C-suite of corporate America. When was the last time you heard someone say, “I’d love to work in middle management—or better yet, the bottom of the totem pole”?

Leadership IS important. But before any one of us is a leader, we first have to learn how to follow. And beyond following, I think we should learn how to be allies for the leaders in our lives. However, I haven’t heard much about what it takes to be a good ally—a super sidekick, if you will.

Why become a super sidekick?

Being a super sidekick is important because I don’t know of anyone who is a leader in every aspect of his/her life. For example, a woman could own her own company, but she may also be a wife, U.S. citizen and volunteer at a non-profit organization. She’s definitely a leader—but she also submits to the leadership of her husband, the police and non-profit leaders.

Caleb the “Let’s go for it!” sidekick

The idea for this post started last night when I was reading my Bible and came across some verses about Caleb in the Old Testament. Remember him? He’s probably best known as Joshua’s super sidekick. Though 10 other guys looked at the Promised Land and basically said, “It’s impossible for us to take this land”, he was the one guy who stood with Joshua and said, “Let’s take this territory. We can do it!” (Numbers 13)

I haven’t really heard much about Caleb. Joshua’s “As for me and my house” speech is what's often quoted in sermons and books featuring this dynamic duo.

But the Bible says some really cool things about Caleb, the “let’s go for it!” sidekick.

After the scouting incident, God said to Moses:

"But my servant Caleb—this is a different story.

He has a different spirit; he follows me passionately.

I'll bring him into the land that he scouted and his children will inherit it. (Numbers 14:24)

And Caleb says (and does) some pretty cool things himself. This is the passage I discovered last night. Here’s what he said 45 years after the Promised Land scouting trip:

"...I was forty years old when Moses the servant of God

sent me from Kadesh Barnea to spy out the land.

And I brought back an honest and accurate report.

My companions who went with me discouraged the people,

but I stuck to my guns, totally with God, my God.

That was the day that Moses solemnly promised,

'The land on which your feet have walked will be your inheritance,

you and your children's, forever.

Yes, you have lived totally for God.'

Now look at me: God has kept me alive, as he promised.

It is now forty-five years since God spoke this word to Moses,

years in which Israel wandered in the wilderness.

And here I am today, eighty-five years old!

I'm as strong as I was the day Moses sent me out.

I'm as strong as ever in battle, whether coming or going.

So give me this hill country that God promised me.

You yourself heard the report, that the Anakim were there with their great fortress cities.

If God goes with me, I will drive them out, just as God said." (Joshua 14:-12)

So here are a few of the things I love about Caleb:

• He was gutsy. He stood by his friend Joshua and stood up for what he believed in—even when it wasn’t popular.
  


• He trusted totally in God. He continually believed God’s promises…even when it took a long time to see them (hello, 45 years!).
  


• He was strong. Caleb was a tough guy in his own right (how many 85 year old warriors do you know?). Caleb’s strength wasn’t just physical—it was the strength of courage and character.
  

Jonathan the “I’m with you!” sidekick

Another super sidekick? David’s friend Jonathan.

Most people LOVE David (the guy after God’s own heart). I’ll be honest—I love David, too, but let’s face it—he was kind of a drama king. David had this passionate artist personality. He loved to worship God. But when he was down, he was REALLY down (and to be fair, he went through some crazy bad stuff).

But what about Jonathan? To be David’s sidekick, I think Jonathan must have had a more thoughtful, easygoing personality. He was likely the rational match to David’s emotional passion. I imagine him saying something like, “Yeah, it sucks that those guys are chasing you. But remember when you were just a kid watching sheep and that HUGE bear twice your size came after you? God helped you then—and the guys now don’t have claws, sharp teeth or sheep breath.”

Jonathan was this amazing friend through tough times. He was placed in a really tough position—his father Saul (another emotional roller coaster) wanted to kill David. Jonathan could have easily joined the “I hate David” club...or he could have been president. After all, Jonathan was next in line to become king—and David’s anointing by the prophet Samuel threatened that position. Jonathan had to choose to stand by his family or his friend.

I think ultimately, Jonathan realized his loyalty was first to God and God’s plan, so he chose David.

The Bible has some truly incredible descriptions of their friendship:

“Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.” (I Samuel 18:1)

“Jonathan said to David, ‘Whatever you want me to do, I'll do for you.’" (I Samuel 20:4)

"And Saul's son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God.
'Don't be afraid," he said. "My father Saul will not lay a hand on you.
You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you.
Even my father Saul knows this."
The two of them made a covenant before the LORD. (I Samuel 23:16-17)

What kind of sidekick am I?

I’ve always known I’m called to be a leader, but this mini-study on Biblical sidekicks prompts me to wonder what kind of sidekick I should be. I don’t really have a specific answer. I hope to have the unshakable “I trust God!” strength of Caleb and the selfless, loyal love of Jonathan. The Bible doesn't talk about them much--their stories are simple. But practicing how they followed is a tough challenge—especially for leaders.

Lead by Love...and The Beast

This past Saturday I was exiting Target, happily leaving with a birthday present, two multi-packs of perppermint Orbit gum (my fave) and a new hair dryer when this woman stopped me. She handed me a pamphlet which I later recognized as a Christian track. She didn't say anything to me, so I simply took it and threw it in my shopping bag.

When I got home, I took the pamphlet out of the bag and decided to take a closer look. The result was both disturbing ... and kind of hilarious, so I thought I'd share some of the pictures in this track with you.

"The Beast"

Here is the cover:

It's hard to see here, but all three of these people (including the baby) have "666" imprinted on their foreheads and the woman in this picture is crying. Wow.

Let's imagine for a second that I was a non-Christian, happy Target shopper twenty-something. Would I really want to read this disturbing looking booklet?!?

Here's a page from the inside:

Okay, aside from the cheesy artwork, does this picture above really represent "Life as it is today"? I'm thinking no. But wait...there's more:

Yes, the world may be messed up. But when was the last time you really saw someone shouting, "I have the power...Lucifer is Lord!" in the middle of a restaurant? Anyone?

And if a non-Christian was reading this, do most of them know anything about Noah besides the fact that he had a big wooden boat? Why would they even care whether or not "Today's conditions are the same as it was in the days of Noah"?

And yet one more picture:

Yes, these are real verses from the Bible. But the pictures are really scary. And then there's my favorite part--the mini commercial at the bottom for another lovely track by the same company who produced this masterpiece.

Lead by Love

Joking aside--this approach to witnessing bugged me and here's why:

• It was impersonal.
  
  The woman who handed me this track didn't know me or care to try and get to know me. She didn't even say, "Hi. What's your name?" before handing me a disturbing piece of literature that attempted to change my worldview and eternal destiny.
  
  
• It's irrelevant.
  
  Yes, this booklet includes things based on Scripture. But the presentation (a tacky black-and-white booklet) and representation of today's society don't ring true with 99.9% of people. And to a non-Christian, a lot of it looks kind of far-fetched and kooky (there are other drawings of wolves wearing clothes, angels and flying scorpions).
  
  
• It was designed to motivate out of fear.
  
  The key pitch of this booklet is, "The world is evil and scary. Accept Christ so you can go to heaven." That might be true--but is it an approach that connects with most people? It is an approach filled with hope and love?
  

It would be easy to judge the woman who handed me "The Beast" and her style of witnessing. But I'm sure there have been times when I've been impersonal or irrelevant to someone, too.

This experience made me again realize the importance of leading by love, as Jesus did. Caring about people, listening to them and getting to know them. Exemplifying hope, love and compassion. Because something tells me He wouldn't walk up to a stranger, hand them "The Beast" and walk away.

10 Things Christian Girls Should Know About Dating

Last year, I wrote a post titled the "10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating" (which I honestly had a lot of fun writing!). In the spirit of fairness, I thought it would also be fun to write about things us girls should know as well.

This post is based on things I've learned myself, things from girls who have made great decisions, those who've learned from their mistakes and a few (brave!) candid guys I've heard from over the years. And I'm still learning. So here goes:

1. Be what you want.

Okay, so this one is identical to my number one in the post for guys, but I'll recap. It's a simple principle--but applies to all of us in any type of relationship. If you want someone who's smart and interesting, be smart and interesting yourself. If you want someone who loves God and church, live your faith and be an active part of your church.

2. Don't expect Prince Christian McDreamy ...

Romantic comedies have trained some of us to look for the amazing Christian Ben Affleck-lookalike who is musical like John Mayer, charming like George Clooney, funny like Steve Carrell, smart like Bill Gates and miraculously single with a great job and a perfect family. If you know this guy, please give him my number. :)

Okay, joking aside--nobody's perfect. And besides, if this guy really existed, he'd probably go for the amazing Christian Angelina Jolie-lookalike who is funny like Will Ferrell, athletic like Anna Kournikova, creative in the kitchen like Martha Stewart, sweet like Kelly Ripa and miraculously single with a great job and perfect family (sorry guys--she's a myth, too).

3. ... But don't settle for someone who doesn't meet your non-negotiable standards.

There are too many Christian women on this planet who, out of fear, settle for guys who aren't committed to God, church or some basic non-negotiables (you know, like treating women with respect). Fear of being alone or a lack of security sometimes leads women to settle for guys who are dishonest, lazy or wishy-washy in their faith. Move on. Find your security in Christ. Being in a bad relationship is way worse than being single.

4. Don't be a Cling-on.

This one is somewhat related to #3, but there are definitely a lot of Christian women out there who are too needy. Some of it comes from insecurity or a lack of trust in your relationship. But being a cling-on isn't healthy for you or attractive to him.

5. Make an effort with your appearance.

Here's the good news--guys are probably less critical about your appearance than most of you are. They don't necessarily expect or even want you to be supermodel skinny, for example. That said--I never heard a guy say, "Wow! She's really hot," about one of those girls wearing plaid flannel pajama bottoms to class with flip-flops and a huge baggy sweatshirt.

6. Be a cheerleader.

Not (necessarily) literally. But be encouraging with your words. I think it's interesting that there are a fair amount of Bible verses addressing women and our words--encouraging us not to nag or to gossip. Our words are powerful and we can use them to build others up (which is especially important with the guys in our lives).

7. Find someone you can respect.

Based on a few things I've heard and read (see "Love and Respect" for example), guys have this thing--they want to be respected and admired. I remember talking awhile ago with a good guy friend of mine who said something like, "I can handle it if my job is tough or if people are rude to me at work as long as I can come home to someone who thinks I'm amazing ... someone who respects me."

8. Get a life.

Do yourself and your guy a favor and get a life beyond your relationship--spend time with other friends, get involved at your church or in different activities. It will make you more interesting and your relationship healthier (you will be less likely to be a Cling-on).

9. Smile.

Okay, so this one is related to a few of the other points but is worth its own space. Smiling is the easiest thing you can do to make yourself more attractive. It adds to the encouraging appeal of the cheerleader. But it also has to do with not taking life (and especially yourself!) too seriously. Us girls can tend to overanalyze stuff (if you know me well or you've read some of my other posts, you know I can fall into this category, too!). But sometimes it's better to just relax, make a joke to relieve tension, do something just for the fun of it or simply smile.

10. The most important: Love God with all of your heart.

Again, I had to put this one on both lists. If you love God, show it. Go to church. Participate in worship. Pray. Read your Bible. Love God and go after His plan for your life.

P.S. If you like this kind of stuff, check out some of my older (related) posts on some of these topics:

• The "Can We Just Talk?" series (Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3)
  
  
• 10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating
  
  
• Why are we herding ourselves?

A Valentine's Day Memory (Circa 6th Grade)

It's February. And Valentine's Day is coming soon. Some of you may cheer, some may be panicked (what should I buy? what should I make? what should I write in this card?), and others .... well, just might be tempted to wear black and take a sick day.

But remember when Valentine's Day was just fun for everyone? When you (carefully!) picked out the cards and candy you'd give to everyone in your entire class, you'd have a class party and everyone would write nice things about you?

I remember being very methodical about how I distributed the cards. My closest friends would get the nicest, prettiest and sometimes sappy cards and the best flavors of candy (if my mom happened to buy a variety pack of something). I'd put the best stickers on them and draw a heart in front of my name. And I would carefully ensure that most of the boys would get the entirely tame cards (nothing too girly, no sparkles--which I'm sure they appreciated) with the messages on the front like "Happy V-Day!" or "Be Cool, Valentine" signed simply with "From" and a non-swirly signature. (I really don't know if anyone else was as choosy about the cards, writing and candy. I was kind of artistic AND analytical even in elementary school!)

But there was this one guy (I think every school has one) ... named Luke ... who I probably had a crush on since the 4th grade. And I wasn't alone in my admiration. He was cute. He was fun. He was smart. He was nice. And he was cool.

Some of the girls were pretty upfront with their "love" for Luke. I remember riding in a van on our way to the Math Olympics (You never knew I was a mathlete? Umm...we'll skip over that for now...). There were probably about 4 girls plus Luke and a few other guys. The other girls played with his hair and actually tried to name the curls on the back of his head ("This one's Mo, this one's Curly...). Part of me wanted to gag in disgust and the other part of me admired their courage. I was more of a subtle 6th grade flirt. I'd smile, make eye contact and sometimes we'd have goofy banter back and forth.

I really don't know why I remember this (or why I'm writing about it now exactly), but I remember my 6th grade Valentine's Day card from Luke because...well, he drew a heart around my name on the envelope and wrote something entirely romantic in it like ... "I think you're
cool" with another heart and his signature. Yes, completely ridiculous --I know. But it made me feel good at the time.

I think Valentine's Day should be like that for everyone--just simply about making people feel special--that you took the time to think about them and show that you care.

It's cheaper than diamonds. And a lot cooler than a big panda bear the size of a five-year-old in your cubicle.

P.S. Just in case you were wondering…after sixth grade, Luke went to a different junior high and high school and we lost touch. Sadly, I learned that he passed away in 2002 due to a rare form of cancer. He was a star soccer player and graduated at the top of his high school class. I guess it just shows how you never know the impact you can have on someone’s life. I will remember him as the guy who brightened my 6th grade Valentine’s Day, but I know his positive example and strength through cancer impacted many others.

Settlin', Strength and The Single Girl

It all started with a mid-life crisis ...

It's time for an intervention. My Mom and Dad are in a crisis ... a mid-life country music crisis. That's right--two people I love, the same sane (and amazing!) people who raised me, have an inexplicable newfound love of country music.

I have evidence--they regularly watch the music videos of their favorite artists. This summer, they went to a country music festival in Seattle (we told them, "No flame shirts allowed!"). And would you believe that after my Dad's heart surgery last year, his first music request was for some song called "Hillbilly Deluxe"? What has happened to turn the world upside down?

Mom and Dad are on a quest to convert my sisters and I into fellow country fans by introducing us to new-to-them songs and artists. One of Mom's favorites? A band called Sugarland. Yes, the name sounds a bit cheesy to those of us non-country converts out there. I would probably be drawn to the band more if they were named Chocolateland or something. :) But in all seriousness, I have to admit that some of their songs are actually ... good.

A song called "Settlin'"

Here are some of the lyrics to a Sugarland song called "Settlin'":

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything

And some strong single girls

The words to "Settlin'' came to mind recently because of a few situations and conversations I've had with different people. It all started when I saw this "good girl" spending some serious time and energy flirting with a "bad boy." Then there was a friend who told me that a guy said to her, "Guys are intimidated by girls like you--girls that are strong. Sometimes it's just easier to be with someone else." (And yes, I've heard similar stuff firsthand, myself.) Then there's another friend who is dating someone who has X, Y and Z qualities that are great, but doesn't have the same strong commitment to God or church (a non-negotiable quality for her).

And it made me wonder--how many people are working a job, in a relationship and living life in the status quo simply because it's easy, safe or comfortable?

It's never satisfying to dilute your strength, to cave in on your non-negotiable standards, to lose the core of who you are--for anything or anybody.

I really hope that in particular, the strong women I know never hold back strength in their personality, faith, intelligence or success because some wimpy guy is a bit intimidated by them. Flirting or falling for guys like that isn't worth your time. Instead of being scared or intimidated, they should step up, grow up and get some strength themselves.

I've seen enough great relationships in the lives of friends to know that the right guy will be strong enough to love you even if you're smart, confident or even if you (gasp!) are successful in your job and make more money than him--he might even love you because of your strength.

We're here on this planet to love God and to love people. To live in a way that honors our Creator by doing the best we can with what we've been given. You can't do that if you settle for less.

I'll leave you with a quote I found recently in a magazine related to this topic:

"Who knows
how many
wonderful world-changing, life-changing, fortune-changing or just day-changing ideas
bit the dust
because someone smart, talented and passionate
gave away
her power?"

~ Gail Blanke, "What are you waiting for?" Real Simple magazine. September 2007

P.S. I Love You

What makes a good love story? Chemistry? Romance? Fun and laughter? Probably a mix of all those things together.

I think a good love story has to have some element of truth in it--something that speaks to the viewer/reader about what love in its most perfect form is supposed to be.

This past week, I saw the movie P.S. I Love You starring Hillary Swank (and no, I'm not going to give it all away!). It's about a widow whose deceased husband writes letters for her to find and read after his death (yeah, I know--kind of morbid). As most chick flicks are, it was a bit predictable and kind of sappy--but it definitely had that truth factor going on, so I thought I'd talk a little about it.

What's the truth factor in P.S. I Love You?

Hillary's movie husband was cute and charming (and did I mention he sang, too?!?). But his most attractive quality (and the truth about love from the movie)? He saw her.

He saw Hillary's character in all of her beauty and quirky imperfections--and chose to love her. He saw her better than she saw herself, encouraged her to dream and to live the full life she was meant to live.

(Rabbit trail for other chick flick fans only: You may notice that this is the same "truth factor" about love that's seen in Runaway Bride--you know, where Julia Roberts doesn't even know what kind of eggs she likes and Richard Gere notices and calls her out on it? Or in Bridget Jones when Mark Darcy tells Bridget "I like you just the way you are.")

That sounds nice and all--but what does it have to do with me?

Everything. Okay, maybe not really, but I'll explain ...

Think about how most people love--a career, church or person. Most people see only the good and the beautiful at first. Everything's rosy, polished and going well. And then some of those quirky imperfections pop up--and the "love" they felt seems to disappear.

But think about how God loves us. He sees us as we really are (the unpolished, unairbrushed versions of ourselves), complete with beauty and quirky imperfections--and chooses to love us anyway.

That's pretty amazing. Kind of miraculous, actually.

But ... if God sees all we are and loves us with "no matter what" kind of commitment, if that's what real love is supposed to be, isn't that the way we should love others?

P.S. I love you.

(Translation: I'm trying to see the real you, encourage you to dream and to live the best life you've been designed to live. And I'm definitely not perfect, so I may not be all that amazing at this real love thing. But I'm working on it.)

Arranged Love?

For some reason, last week I found myself watching an MTV documentary about twentysomething Americans considering arranged marriage (yes, in 2007!).

Some were drawn to the idea because of their religion, culture or family. But one of the girls caught my attention when she said something to the effect of, "I'm 25 and I've tried meeting someone on my own, but it hasn't worked, so I thought I'd try this arranged marriage thing." She said it as if arranged marriage is simply another option for finding the person to spend the rest of your life with.

Is love supposed to be arranged?

As I watched the documentary, I actually wondered, "Is this really that different?" and even stranger, "Is love supposed to be arranged?"

Think about it--how many single Americans have been on a blind date, tried online dating or been set-up by friends? Some of my friends have found their husbands through some of these methods ... and others have simply found amazing (and sometimes strangely bizarre!) stories.

Many people believe in the idea of destiny, fate, signs that lead to love. And as Christians, I think a lot of us believe that God designed someone for us ... that He "arranges" our steps to bring us together. Even in non-romantic love, God arranges our families and puts us together with certain people (sometimes neighbors, teammates, co-workers) for a purpose.

But (in the words of DC Talk) isn't love a verb? :)

The flip side is that most of us would agree that love ... in all of its various forms ... takes work. It means daily decisions. Daily action.

It would be silly to think, for example, "I can tell my parents I love them once and then forget about it" or "God has a great job for me. He'll provide ... I'll just sit here on the couch and wait for the job to come to me."

So ... what's the bottom line?

I'm SO not an expert at this stuff--but I guess it's probably a mix of both ideas--"arrangement" and action--that makes love work.

In a lot of ways, I'm a bit skeptical of the whole arranged love thing. Even this past month, I've had two different people say to me (about two different guys), "I know this great guy who could be a great match for you ..."

But as scary as it seems, I have to be open to possibility--and really trust who (or Who) is doing the arranging.

"Casual Sex," The ...But Guy and Enchanted

I like Oprah. And I like O Magazine ... usually.

Yesterday I received the January issue in the mail. And I'll confess--one article made me both sad and quite frankly, mad (and you thought I couldn't get angry).

The O Article That Ticked Me Off

In "Live Your Best Love Life!", Linda from Rhode Island said, "My dilemma is that I still love my ex, who I dated for nine years." She then goes on to basically ask, "I'm now thinking of using my ex as a booty call ... or maybe it's time to try self-satisfaction?"

The answer of columnist Cindy Chupack? "The beauty of the booty call is its simplicity ... how does love factor into this? It doesn't!" Chupack then goes on to say, "The perfect booty call is someone who's great but" ... meaning basically someone who's safe ... but someone that you don't really want to marry or love. And if a " ... but" man isn't available? Chupack says "self-love" (masturbation) is "not a last resort; it's essential."

Can you hear me yell now?

Casual Sex: Does It Really Exist?

There's no such thing as casual sex--just like there's no such thing as casual naked Fridays at the office.

Sex always has meaning--it's supposed to. I think saying you can have sex without meaning is like saying you can Christmas without music, dessert without chocolate or an amazing car without tires. It's empty--it's missing something it's designed to have.

Sex has meaning because it always reveals how we feel--about another person or ourselves.
I think Linda from Rhode Island was really saying, "I'm still in love with my ex, but I know he doesn't want to have a relationship with me. If I have 'casual sex' with him, at least I'd have something--right?"

But by having 'casual sex'--with her ex or, as Chupack suggested, a " ... but" man or herself, Linda would be settling for something less than what she wants. She would be cheapening herself, a man and sex itself by choosing any of these options.

Sacred Sex, Enchanted and the ...But Guy

I believe sex is beyond meaningful--it's sacred. So why do so many adults settle for "casual sex"?

They are "looking for love (and meaning) in all the wrong places" ... and after casual sex, will end up feeling more lonely, more lost, than ever.

I believe sex is designed to be shared by a married man and woman. I know this sentence might sound extreme. Society tries to tell us sex without marriage is normal--and this article even tries to tell us that sex without love is normal.

But I know I'm not alone. There are many people who want to believe in the sacredness of sex. It's why we find it horrific when children are sexually abused--a violation of the sacred. It's why most states don't allow prostitution--the business of treating something sacred as a commodity. And it's why fairy tale love stories will always be popular (hence, the #1 movie in the country at the moment, Enchanted).

I can hear some guys think, "Yeah, but it's different for guys. Sex doesn't have to have meaning." Are you sure? Do any men really want to be considered some woman's " ... but" guy? I doubt it. A guy deserves to be with the one woman on the planet who thinks he is not a " ... but" guy, but the it guy, the forever guy.

Sex has meaning, but it can never give you meaning. It's an expression of love, but it's not how you find the perfect kind of love every human being is looking for. That kind of meaning and love is only found in God.

I don't have to feel cheap, empty or settle for something less than what I believe is possible. And neither do you.

Special Note: If you're someone who's reading this and says, "That's great for you, but I've already had sex outside marriage"--don't lose heart. I'm not saying that you are cheap or empty.

On the contrary, I'm saying you're priceless. You deserve better.

Even if you've messed up in the past when it comes to sex, you don't have to mess up your future. Start fresh. God can forgive you of your past, but you have to make a choice to define your destiny. It may not be easy--but the best things in life rarely are.

Expect the Unexpected.

I used to live in a barn.
I went on a date with the Bachelor.
I once was a nun.
And I love crazy rides at amusement parks.

Sound surprising? These things are all true about me (and perhaps with a bit of backstory, they may seem more realistic to you).

For the most part, my life makes sense. I'm kind of a "you get what you see" kind of person. And that's okay. But there's part of me that likes to surprise people--that likes some sort of mystery (maybe it was all those Nancy Drew books I read growing up).

Expecting the Unexpected from God?

Sometimes I wonder if God is like that, too. Yes, He's the same today, yesterday and forever. He always keeps His promises. He's always just, always perfect and always holy.

But God is also full of grace--and by definition, grace is surprising. It's undeserved, unexpected. And real love is like that, too--it can catch you off guard. When I've experienced that kind of love from God, my family and friends, sometimes it hits me like, "Whoa! What did I ever do to experience something this amazing?" And the truth is, I could never really do anything to deserve love. Love in its purest form is not about deserving, it's about giving.

Living the Unexpected

So maybe I should rewind a bit and tell you how I started thinking about this topic. A few weeks ago, I was reading during my normal devotional time and saw these verses. And then I heard them again the next week at G2 (church young adults' group). Maybe God was trying to get my attention?

Anyway, I think sometimes we all can get stuck in boxes of expectations--for God, for ourselves, for other people. Yes, those boxes can come from outside influences like family, friends, acquaintances and the media. But most often, they are boxes we've built ourselves.

Don't get me wrong--I know that living a Christian life comes with some boundaries designed to protect me and bring God's best into my life. But those boundaries are miniscule compared to the great, expansive life of freedom that God has called us to--and that's what these verses are about, so I'll let you read them--and dare you to expect the unexpected in your own life.

2 Corinthians 6:11-13

I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life.

We didn't fence you in.

The smallness you feel comes from within you.

Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way.

I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection.

Open up your lives.

Live openly and expansively!

John Mayer, A Crush And A Question From God

... Who do you love? Me? Or the thought of me?

"I Don't Trust Myself" by John Mayer, Continuum

So I was singing along in my car with John Mayer (this is a common occurrence!) when the lyrics above stood out to me.

A College Crush ...

First, I thought of a former college crush of mine. At the time anyway, he was my "on paper" perfect guy. We had the best things in common ... and enough opposites to make things interesting. He was charming and fun and could always make me smile. And at the same time, we could have these interesting real thoughtful conversations about God and life.

Don't get me wrong--he was (and is) a great guy. But in hindsight, it was the idea of him--or what a relationship with him would be like--that I was probably more interested in at the time.

Sometimes when you're getting to know somebody, you "fill in the blanks" and project onto the other person your ideas of what they are or what they "should" be. Nobody likes to be loved like that. It's not real.

... And A Question From God

So as I was singing along with John in my car, I felt like God was asking me, "Do you love Me? Or the thought of Me?"

Whoa.

It's easy for me to say or sing, "I love you" to God. But to really love Him--the real Him--is different. It means loving Him when He doesn't make sense (to me anyway) or when things aren't peachy "on paper" perfect. It means that I have to stop projecting my own (sometimes ridiculous) thoughts of who He is onto Him and start seeing and knowing the real Him.

I hope that when I say "I love you" to God that it's not flippant or out of habit. That I'm not saying, "I love you" with strings attached. That I'm just saying and meaning "I love you" for real...and forever.

The Emmys, The Bible and the Gift of Giving

"To whom much is given, much is expected..."

This past Sunday, these words surprised me. Not because they were unfamiliar--they're from a famous Bible verse. And not because I heard them at church (I didn't this week). But because I heard them while watching The Emmys.

That's right--at a gathering of glamorous Hollywood stars, a verse from the Bible was quoted. Why? Because even celebrities believe in the principles of giving. They know it's important--and a responsibility for anyone who has money, time or talents they can use to help others.

At small group yesterday, we talked about giving...and here are a few things I know for sure:

• Giving is about more than money.
  
  I'm not discounting the fact that tithing and giving financially are definitely important--I think tithing is one of the things God expects Christians to do. But my giving and generosity should go beyond what's in my bank account.
  
  I think giving and generosity involve giving of my time and talents, too. It's also about attitude and motive--I'm not generous if I'm giving to get attention, to gain favor with other people, or just "not to feel guilty." I should be willing to give when no one is watching, when I'm giving to people who aren't in a position to give me any kind of favor, and with a spirit of cheerful generosity (vs. guilt, shame or duty).
  
  
• Cheerful giving is contagious.
  
  Have you ever seen one of those Oprah shows about random acts of kindness? Or shows when she'll give away cars or homes to people in need? It's exciting. It's inspiring. It's fun. Inevitably, after those shows, people in the audience will speak up or viewers will write letters and talk about how they were inspired to start changing oil for single moms or to pay for coffee at Starbucks for the person behind them.
  
  Giving should always be like that--it should be fun. Your cheerful, giving heart should inspire and motivate others.
  
  
• Generosity should be celebrated, not suffocated.
  
  I was talking with another Christian (a pastor's wife from another church, actually) awhile back who said, "At our church, we don't talk about giving or tithing to the congregation. We just have a box at the back and whoever wants to give, gives. And God always provides."
  
  When she said this, something stirred in my heart and I wanted to say back, "That's really sad! It means people in your church are missing out on the opportunity to give. They're missing out on the opportunity to be a blessing to others...and your church is missing out on being able to do more in your community. Yes, your needs are being met...but think of what your church could be doing beyond itself!" It's sad to me that this church is missing the connection between their generosity and their ability to influence and impact their community for Christ (did I mention their congregation is about 60 people and not growing?).
  
  Why is there shame or fear associated with talking about giving at churches? Oprah's not afraid to talk about money. Bono's not afraid to ask people to care and give beyond themselves. And aren't the causes of Christ--seeing people saved and lives changed for eternity--more important than giving them cars or even helping to meet people's physical needs? I think we need to not be afraid to encourage people to give.



• You can never outgive God.
  
  God gives us everything we have--and He always honors a giving heart by continuing to give back even more. He looks to "give seed to the sower"--those who will do something with what they're given.



• By giving, I'm part of making a difference.
  
  When I give to anything--missions, my church, Big Brothers, Big Sisters, whatever--I'm part of making a difference. What I do or give might seem small sometimes, but it's part of a bigger picture. It's important. It's a way that I can stay connected to people and causes I care about...even when I might not be the one who serves on a mission field in Africa, mentors hundreds of kids in Pierce County or preaches to thousands of people every single weekend.



• The opportunity to give comes into our lives every day.
  
  There are always opportunities to give to others--you just have to open your eyes and look for them. It's easy (and convenient) sometimes to turn away, to be oblivious to need, to think "someone else will take care of it," etc. And yes, you probably can't give money or time to every single cause you believe in ... but maybe you can pray for it or show generosity through a kind word or smile.
  


• Giving is an expression of love.
  
  My giving (especially to God) is one way I express my love for Him. It's part of worship. God doesn't want me to love Him or others simply out of obligation or to "check a box" on the "To do" list of Christianity--and I shouldn't give to Him or to others with that attitude either.

Chosen

Everyone wants to be chosen...

Whether it's being picked to be someone's employee, basketball team member, girlfriend, mentor, or best friend--there's something amazing and empowering in knowing that someone picked you. Someone thinks you're special. Someone thinks you're valuable and worth their attention.

"Tag, you're it!"

One of the coolest things about God is that He chose us. He chose you. He picked me.
He could have been content to live in a perfect world with perfect supermodel robots who always make the right choices to love Him and each other...and eat only broccolli, study for fun and smile all the time with perfect teeth. :)

But He didn't. That world would have been perfect, but it would have been boring.

He picked us. Yes, He chose to give His life for us so that we could have a personal relationship with Him. But beyond that, He chose us to represent Him--to be His voice and to do the work He's called us all to do.

I Peter 2:9-10 (The Message)
But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God's instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.

Real love is chosen.

Another cool (and sometimes frustrating) thing about God? He chose to give us our own choices. (Sometimes I wonder why...being a perfect supermodel robot might make life simpler!)

But maybe God wanted to be chosen, too. He picked us first, but maybe He wants us to choose Him every day. Probably because robot-obligation love isn't real love at all--real love is chosen.

10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating

Relationships. It was the February theme of our young adults' services at church. It was all practical, informative and inspiring ... but part of me wished someone would have talked to those of us that are single single. You know--not married or dating at all (for the moment). So I came up with my own list of things that I wish Christian guys knew about dating ... and for any guys out there, I'd love to hear your words of wisdom for all of us women.

10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating

1. Be what you want.
It's so simple--but applies to all of us in any type of relationship. If you want someone who's smart and interesting, be smart and interesting yourself. If you want someone who loves God and church, live your faith and be an active part of your church.

2. Make an effort.
Yes, it can be intimidating. But when you're interested in someone, ask them out. It doesn't mean you're getting married ... really (as a sidenote, I think it's important not to date someone when you know for sure you'd never marry them). If you're already dating or married, make an effort to plan dates or special things to make your girlfriend/wife feel special. For most of us, it doesn't have to be expensive ... thoughtful cards, washing the car, etc. make us feel appreciated and valued.

3. Don't be a player.
Christian guys may not sleep around, but they can still be players ... if you're flirting all the time with a girls' friends, she's probably not going to be interested in you. And if you flirt with everyone, how is she supposed to know that you're interested in her at all?

4. Don't say "God told me..." as a tactic to get what you want.
If God talks to you, he's probably talking to us, too. There's not really a great way for Christian women to respond to guys who say "God told me..." if they don't agree ... and some guys have used this line as a tactic to control. Don't feel as if you have to spiritualize your feelings or your own desires. It's okay to be honest and say, "I really like you" or "I don't feel this relationship is working" without using "God told me..." as a fallback caveat.

5. Get a job and love it.
Here's the good news--you don't have to be rich to get a good Christian woman to love you. But we don't want to date slackers either. Get a job you love (or be in training for one at school). We think ambition is attractive, so find a career you like and go for it.

6. Treat the women in your life with respect.
We watch how you treat your moms, sisters, women in authority, women at work ... etc. We see it as an indicator of how we you will treat us.

7. Don't be intimidated by our strength.
There's a perception that good Christian women should be quiet, subservient, meek and mild. But that perception has no basis in the Bible. Yes, women in the Bible are instructed to honor their husbands as the leaders of their homes. But women in the Bible are also strong--Rahab helped God's people conquer a city, Esther saved a nation through her position as a queen, Deborah was a judge. Even the ideal woman in Prov. 31 was resourceful--she's an entrepreneurial businesswoman who buys property and turns it into a vineyard (31:16) and a clothing designer who sells clothes to make profit (31:24). Read more. The point? If your wife or girlfriend is strong, she can be more of a support to you--a partner to walk with you through life.
8. Be confident, not cocky.
Most women don't like passive guys. Be strong and confident in knowing who you are in Christ. But don't act as if you are God's only gift to the planet. Listen to other people and their ideas. Don't talk or think about yourself all the time. Don't act as if it's your way or the highway.

9. Laugh.
In multiple research studies, "a sense of humor" rates high on the qualities that most women are looking for in their relationships.You don't have to be super spiritual all the time. Relax. Smile. Laugh.

10. The most important: Love God with all of your heart.
If you love God, show it. Go to church. Participate in worship. Pray. Read your Bible. Love God and go after His plan for your life.

Question: Any ideas out there for single Christian women?

"He knows me best and loves me most."

A few years ago, I was writing an article around Valentine's Day. I interviewed couples who had been happily married, most for 10 years or more. I asked one woman, "What do you appreciate most about your husband?"

"He knows me best and loves me most."

There was something about her answer that resonated with me. I haven't had a relationship like that (yet) with a guy, but I think her answer sums up how God sees all of us ... so I did some digging through the Bible to find out more.

There's really too much to include in this short blog entry, but I'll include some of the thoughts I gathered:

• You're created in God's image ... and he sees you as good. (Genesis 1:26-27, 1:31)
  
• God knew you before you were born and sees you as wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:12-14)
  
• You're valuable. So much so that He sent His only Son to earth, so that by believing in Him, you can have eternal life. (John 3:16, Romans 5:8, 1 John 4:10)
  
• God's is love. His love for you is perfect--it's undeserved and unchanging. (Exodus 34:6, Romans 8:39, 1 Corinthians 13)

This may seem simple, but it can be really life-changing if it's taken to heart. If God sees us as valuable, why do we doubt our worth? If He sees us as good, why do we overemphasize our imperfections or compare ourselves to others?

I don't have all the answers, but I do believe that how I see God shapes how I see myself and the world around me. If I really understand how He sees me--how he sees humanity--my own view of myself and others is clearer.

Are you willing to be (really) loved?

Q: Would you rather love or be loved?

A: That's a tough question. It's really hard to let yourself be loved ...

I sat in a friend's living room watching this dialogue (or something really close!) between Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman on Oprah's pre-Oscar special. I found myself agreeing with Nicole's answer and it really made me think.

Most of us have a hard time accepting a compliment, much less real love. What's your reaction when you hear these words?:

"I'm proud of you."
"You're beautiful."
"You did such an amazing job on that project ... I'm so glad you're part of our team."
"You're really good at XYZ. I appreciate you."

If you're like me, you can be surprised by kindness, love or admiration. When I hear compliments like these, sometimes I'm stunned. I'll think:

"Is he really talking about me?"
"I'd look a lot better if I lost 10 pounds ... "
"She's so much better at XYZ."
"I don't deserve this. I'm not perfect. I could have done better."

I don't always doubt myself, sometimes I'll answer with a simple, "Thank you." But it can be hard.

I think most of us don't see how amazing .... how lovable ... we are. We can recognize the strength, beauty and talent in others--but often we're not able to see it in ourselves.

I'm not saying that we should be conceited or narcissistic. Believe me, I'm not singing, "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" when I look in the mirror. :) But I think there's a healthy balance of knowing who you are, appreciating the good things about yourself God has given you, and walking in confidence and strength.

Part of it starts with seeing yourself as God sees you ... but what does He think about who you are?

More on that next.