Please know I'm definitely NOT an expert, but someone who observes, talks and listens to people in the Christian community. So feel free to take or leave any of this with a grain of salt ...
Womens' Issues: Idealism, The Great Wall, Attention and You
Ladies, let me caveat this part of the discussion by saying that I've actually dealt with all three of these issues at different point in my life (and probably still do at times). So here are three key issues I think single women deal with that can add to confusion in co-ed relationships:
- Welcome to Fantasyland: Romantic Idealism and You
Here's what I mean: Just because a guy smiles at you, sits by you, invites you to a group outing, remembers your name and talks to you, it does not mean he likes you as anything more than a friend. He might just be nice.
However, you may have some guys in your world who go beyond the actions I've listed above--maybe they constantly tell you how pretty you are, show physical affection, invite you to one-on-one date-like activities (but under the "hanging out" label), etc. Maybe they are interested in you. But they could simply be Charmers (see Part 3) unaware of how what they say/do affects you. Just be careful with these guys--they might be playing with your heart. One clue: watch how they treat other single women. Are you one of the herd? Or singled out?
- The Great Wall: "Guarding Your Heart" Gone Too Far?
Some us can struggle with building up walls between ourselves and guys. Maybe it's because we've received unwanted attention from some of them before (e.g. the Weirdos - more on them in Part 3). Or maybe it's because you don't want to lead guys on. Maybe you've been burned by bad relationships. Perhaps you feel like you're in a "bubble" being watched (this happens in small school/church/work settings) and don't want to let on that you're interested in someone. And the Bible does talk about guarding your heart, right?
While your reasons may be justified and even based in the Bible, when taken to extremes, building a Great Wall between yourself and others can stop you from building meaningful friendships or relationships. It's a tough balance because by being kind and reaching out to others (and guys in particular), you do run the risk of being hurt or getting that unwanted attention. But by building walls, you may be diluting the beautiful, dynamic woman God designed you to be. You may not be using your influence to the magnitude you could be.
- Looking for Love (and Attention) in All the Wrong Places ...
On the flip side, there are some of us that can overuse our female power to influence. Most us are flattered and empowered when guys give us attention and we like to feel special. But how (and why) are we using that influential power?
Perhaps you're always attracting attention from the wrong guys and wondering why. Or maybe even when you get attention, you're still not feeling fulfilled. First and foremost, you have to know that your worth as a person, as a woman, is not defined by any guy. It's found in Christ. Your security and confidence comes from knowing how He sees you.
But if you don't have that security, you might look for it in the approval of others (and guys in particular). And that's dangerous because they can't be expected to give that confidence and security to you. To have healthy relationships with people, having a healthy relationship with Christ and healthy self confidence is important.
Don't take advantage of male attention. It's not fair to play mind games with guys or send mixed signals just because you get an ego boost off of their attention. If you're absolutely not interested in a guy who asks you out, turn him down gently. If you're not interested in a guy, don't flirt, show physical affection (beyond a quick friendly hug), overcompliment or hang out with him one-on-one.
So girls, what do you do if you've dealt with these issues, but you're still confused about a relationship?
Personally, I don't think any of us girls/women should ever initiate a DTR, ask a guy out, etc. Why? Most of us (even those with strong personalities) don't want to date or marry wimpy guys. And if you're taking the lead and driving the relationship in the beginning, he's not going to steal the steering wheel from you. You'll just end up driving the bus with a passive guy in the passenger seat. Ugh.
So what can you do? Pray. Look for advice from solid Christian friends you trust. Keep getting to know each other in group settings. If your emotions are clearly getting more involved than his, maybe back off a bit from the friendship and see if he pursues you.
Like I said, I'm still not an expert on this stuff--but I think first examining your own heart is key.
On to Part 3 ...
No comments:
Post a Comment