Starbucks' Coffee Cup Quote of the Day

"Improvisers don't look at change as an obstacle; we look at it as fuel. We know that the next great idea lies just on the other side of the change. We are constantly asking ourselves, 'What can I do to incite change?' Well?"
- John Sweeney - Speaker, trainer and author of Innovation at the Speed of Laughter

Can we just talk? Part 3 - It's a guy thing ...

In the final part of this series, I'll give some observations on three types of guys (and issues they may deal with) that lead to lack of clarity in co-ed relationships between Christian singles.

I definitely think there are at least two sides to every story, so I'm not trying to label or pick on either gender, but hopefully to shed some light on the way I see things ... so here goes:

• The Shy or Intimidated Guy

Sadly, there seems to be no shortage of shy or intimidated Christian guys. In a lot of ways, I feel sorry for them. They've probably been burned by mean-spirited girls/women/mothers (Christian or not) who disrespected them in some way. And so they're scared ... to talk to girls, ask them out, whatever.

But when it comes to dating, most guys have to sum up some courage (and most of us girls recognize that). It takes guts to make yourself vulnerable to possible rejection ... but if you can be bold at work, school or in sports, you can handle it. Anything in life worth pursuing takes some risk. Don't take the stupid DTR assessment from Boundless--just be brave and talk.

• The Weirdos

Then there are the weirdos. If you are a guy who women avoid like the plague, you might fall into this category. First, read one of my original posts "10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating" (March). Then, work at looking women in the eye (yeah, we notice when you look at us other ways), getting better at conversation and asking questions, avoiding comments that make others squirm in discomfort, and popping breath mints (sometimes it's the practical things!).

• The Charmers

On the flip side, charming guys have no problem hanging out with women. Lots of them. But if you're a single Christian guy with a charming personality, try not to lead girls on (yep, most of us have those romantic idealist tendencies I talked about in Part 2).

It's okay to be nice and friendly to everyone, but here's a tip if you're a charming guy: pretend your future wife is standing next to you while you're chatting with a single woman you're not interested in. If you knew your future wife was in the room with you, would you treat that other woman differently?

On the practical side, here's how that might look--if you're not interested in a woman and "just trying to be friends", don't regularly compliment her looks, invite her to hang out with you one-on-one, or give her "just because" notes/gifts/flowers, etc. It may sound basic--but if you do these things, you might be sending signals you're not intending to.

So what if you've dealt with these issues and you're still confused about a co-ed relationship?

Like my advice to other women, I guess I'd tell guys to again pray and seek advice from solid Christians you trust.

But unlike the ladies, you can take some action to initiate a relationship. I won't lie--it's definitely a risk. If it doesn't work out, your friendship may be different. But if you're both mature, you should be able to move past it. And if it does work out, you could have a great foundation for a relationship.

Can we just talk? Part 2 - This one's for the girls ...

The discussion on lack of clarity in co-ed friendships and relationships between Christian singles continues here with my opinion on barriers that make men and women confused.

Please know I'm definitely NOT an expert, but someone who observes, talks and listens to people in the Christian community. So feel free to take or leave any of this with a grain of salt ...

Womens' Issues: Idealism, The Great Wall, Attention and You

Ladies, let me caveat this part of the discussion by saying that I've actually dealt with all three of these issues at different point in my life (and probably still do at times). So here are three key issues I think single women deal with that can add to confusion in co-ed relationships:

• Welcome to Fantasyland: Romantic Idealism and You

Most of us are suckers for romance. We grew up watching the Disney fairy tales and we watch romantic comedies (the grown-up versions of the fairy tales). It's one thing to be hopeful, to look forward to the future and the kind of guy you'd like to marry someday. But it's another thing to be swept away by romantic idealism.

Here's what I mean: Just because a guy smiles at you, sits by you, invites you to a group outing, remembers your name and talks to you, it does not mean he likes you as anything more than a friend. He might just be nice.

However, you may have some guys in your world who go beyond the actions I've listed above--maybe they constantly tell you how pretty you are, show physical affection, invite you to one-on-one date-like activities (but under the "hanging out" label), etc. Maybe they are interested in you. But they could simply be Charmers (see Part 3) unaware of how what they say/do affects you. Just be careful with these guys--they might be playing with your heart. One clue: watch how they treat other single women. Are you one of the herd? Or singled out?

• The Great Wall: "Guarding Your Heart" Gone Too Far?

Some us can struggle with building up walls between ourselves and guys. Maybe it's because we've received unwanted attention from some of them before (e.g. the Weirdos - more on them in Part 3). Or maybe it's because you don't want to lead guys on. Maybe you've been burned by bad relationships. Perhaps you feel like you're in a "bubble" being watched (this happens in small school/church/work settings) and don't want to let on that you're interested in someone. And the Bible does talk about guarding your heart, right?

While your reasons may be justified and even based in the Bible, when taken to extremes, building a Great Wall between yourself and others can stop you from building meaningful friendships or relationships. It's a tough balance because by being kind and reaching out to others (and guys in particular), you do run the risk of being hurt or getting that unwanted attention. But by building walls, you may be diluting the beautiful, dynamic woman God designed you to be. You may not be using your influence to the magnitude you could be.

• Looking for Love (and Attention) in All the Wrong Places ...

On the flip side, there are some of us that can overuse our female power to influence. Most us are flattered and empowered when guys give us attention and we like to feel special. But how (and why) are we using that influential power?

Perhaps you're always attracting attention from the wrong guys and wondering why. Or maybe even when you get attention, you're still not feeling fulfilled. First and foremost, you have to know that your worth as a person, as a woman, is not defined by any guy. It's found in Christ. Your security and confidence comes from knowing how He sees you.

But if you don't have that security, you might look for it in the approval of others (and guys in particular). And that's dangerous because they can't be expected to give that confidence and security to you. To have healthy relationships with people, having a healthy relationship with Christ and healthy self confidence is important.

Don't take advantage of male attention. It's not fair to play mind games with guys or send mixed signals just because you get an ego boost off of their attention. If you're absolutely not interested in a guy who asks you out, turn him down gently. If you're not interested in a guy, don't flirt, show physical affection (beyond a quick friendly hug), overcompliment or hang out with him one-on-one.

So girls, what do you do if you've dealt with these issues, but you're still confused about a relationship?

Personally, I don't think any of us girls/women should ever initiate a DTR, ask a guy out, etc. Why? Most of us (even those with strong personalities) don't want to date or marry wimpy guys. And if you're taking the lead and driving the relationship in the beginning, he's not going to steal the steering wheel from you. You'll just end up driving the bus with a passive guy in the passenger seat. Ugh.

So what can you do? Pray. Look for advice from solid Christian friends you trust. Keep getting to know each other in group settings. If your emotions are clearly getting more involved than his, maybe back off a bit from the friendship and see if he pursues you.

Like I said, I'm still not an expert on this stuff--but I think first examining your own heart is key.

On to Part 3 ...

Can we just talk? - Part 1

So the other day I came across Boundless, a Web zine for college/career-age young adults produced by Focus on the Family. I periodically read Boundless because sometimes the articles are interesting, a lot of times I agree with them ... and other times, they make me mad.

(Case in point - definitely a rabbit trail you can skip if you're not interested: There's an article that basically argues that single women should not buy their own homes--that we're supposed to live with mommy and daddy forever until Prince Charming comes along ... or rent because home ownership ties us down or shows men that we don't "need" them because we can provide for ourselves--can you hear me gagging in the background?!? Here's a thought--isn't God's provision what we need and depend on most, regardless of our gender? And instead of caring so much about a guy's opinion, shouldn't single women care more about doing the best they can with what God has given them to honor Him? And wouldn't a real Prince Charming be confident enough to understand and admire that?)

A DTR Assessment?

Anyway, the latest pathetic brainchild of Boundless is an oh-so-lovely interactive feature called "Define The Relationship: A DTR Assessment".

Anyone familiar with college is familiar with the terminology of DTR (defining the relationship) discussions ... you know, the "I like you, do you like me?" or "Can we be more than friends?" kind of talks. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with the talks themselves--clarity is a good thing (though personally, I think it's probably better for a guy to be brave and just ask a girl out on what's clearly a date ... and just see how the girl responds and how it goes). Okay ... back to the main point ...

The weird thing about the Boundless DTR tool? It's a quiz to help people figure out if they need to have a DTR or not. Forgive me for stating the obvious--but isn't the point of a DTR to get clarity--and if you're not clear on whether or not you need clarity, how much can a quiz do for you anyway? Here's a pre-quiz they should offer to people using this tool ...

If you are taking a DTR assessment it means that you are:

a) too immature to even think about dating
b) overly analytical
c) all of the above

So Let's Just Talk ...

I think what bugs me about this quiz is that it's completely unnecessary. What would be better? For the Christian community to get real with young adults and for young adults to get real with each other. To talk instead of having a quiz about maybe/possibly/kinda sorta talking.

I think there are a few issues going on in the heads and hearts of single guys and women that may be adding to the confusion ... and I'll explore them in Part 2 of this topic.

Cool Song Lyrics

I love words. I love music. Put them together -- and you've got cool song lyrics. So I decided to write a quick post about song lyrics I like ... and why they inspire me, make me smile, make me laugh, etc.

What's amazing about good lyrics? They're short. They stick in your head (or in your heart). And yet they can make you think, get a new perspective or remember a moment in your life.

So here goes:

Song:

"Hosanna" By: Brooke Fraser - Hillsong United - All of the Above

Lyrics:

Break my heart for what is Yours /

Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause

Why I Love Them:

These words express a pure heart to live full-on passionately for God -- to be a person "after God's own heart." It's about seeing people, life, situations, the world -- like God sees them. All in two lines.

Song:

"83" By: John Mayer - Room for Squares

Lyrics:

Whatever happened to my lunchbox? /

When came the day that it got thrown away? /

And don't you think I should have had some say in that decision?

Why I Love Them:

These lyrics just make me smile. John Mayer has the ability to paint relatable pictures with words (it's probably why he's won several Grammys for songwriting). "83" is all about childhood and remembering that good time in his life (for Mayer, it was being 6 in '83).

Who can't relate to having a favorite lunchbox (I remember mine in the first grade was purple and had these cartoon puppies on it!)? But whatever happened to it? And why didn't I get more of a say? :)

Song:

"Love on the Rocks" By: Sara Bareilles - Careful Confessions

Lyrics:

Here’s a simplification of everything we’re going through /

You plus me is bad news /

You’re a lovely creation and I like to think that I am too /

But my friend said I look better without you.

What I Love About Them:

These lyrics are honest. I haven't personally been in this situation with a guy. But I've seen plenty of friends who have (guys with girls in their lives, too, by the way).

It's like the point where you see something you don't want to see about a relationship -- you see it, your friends see it -- but you don't want to. Sometimes, it even happens when both people are good people, but just not good together.

Song:

"Your Love Will Never Change" By: Dave Barnes - Brother, Bring the Sun

Lyrics:

So tell me there’s nothing that you can’t do /

You’ll love me though I’ve hurt you /

You’ll take my blame /

Your love will never change /

Your love will never change

Why I Love Them:

I honestly had a hard time picking my favorite lyrics from this song -- it's that good. These lyrics sound like a love song, but it's actually written to God (another part of the song talks about He created the world but "somehow knows my name" -- that's incredible in itself).

I guess they just express that sense of awe for His unconditional "no matter what" kind of love. No matter what I do that may miss the mark and break His heart, He loves me. He takes on the blame and paid the price for my stupidity, pride, weakness -- sin. But despite all of that, and all I may do to hurt His heart today or tomorrow, His love for me is unchanging.

Pretty amazing.

Favorite Things of the Week

CD in My Car: Hillsong United "All of the Above": My favorite? Brooke Fraser, of course--the best song is "Lead Me to the Cross".

Cool Starbucks Beverage: Tall, tangerine frappuccino juice blend

Favorite Night Out: CLG BBQ at the Stewarts'--where the boys did the cooking and the Peris made me laugh so hard that my eyes teared up. :)

Best Way to Beat the Heat: Wearing skirts and floaty dresses--it's almost like wearing shorts to work (sorry guys - you don't have this option).

Weekend Fun Event: Kelley's Hawaiian Wedding Shower - yay, I get to see the bride-to-be visiting home from Alaska!

Speak Up and Remember

"...As for us, there's no question—we can't keep quiet about what we've seen and heard."
(Acts 4: 20, The Message)

Last night I was reading in Acts when this verse jumped out at me. Peter and John had seen the resurrected Christ, thousands of people saved and miracles right before their eyes.

And religious people had them arrested. They tried to silence Peter and John. They tried to stop a movement from taking place.

But guess what? God can't be stopped. Passion can't be silent. Miracles can't be contained.

Miracles come in different packages
When God does something incredible in my life, in your life, people need to know about it. I think sometimes we forget. We're looking for miracles that come in different packages.

We might talk about a blind person being able to see...but isn't it just as important to celebrate a blind heart being changed and opened up to Christ? We should get excited or passionate about someone breaking an alcohol addiction. We should celebrate a healed marriage. We should tell the world about a positive financial turnaround.

Don't get me wrong--I've seen amazing "instant" miracles. My Dad was healed of cancer for goodness sake! God can do great things at camps, conferences and services where there's expectation. They're great. But aren't "everyday" miracles amazing, too?

Even if a miracle doesn't happen in an instant, it's still worth celebrating. Remember the miracles in your own life. Look for them in unexpected places. And don't stay silent.

Summer Music Faves

It's summer. And time for some fun music. Here are some of my favorite summer CDs (no Beach Boys, I promise!):

John Mayer "Room for Squares" - You have to love "83", "Why Georgia" and all the classics on this CD.






The Afters "I Wish We All Could Win" - "Beautiful Love" is the best summer song. I also like "All that I Am" - a great prayer.





Dave Barnes "Chasing Mississippi" - This one is a little bit country (my mom and dad would be proud!). Best songs? "Everybody But You" and "Butterflies".




Switchfoot "The Beautiful Letdown" - My favorite songs on this CD are "Meant to Live", "More Than Fine" and "On Fire".






Mark Broussard "Carenco" - Gotta love "Rocksteady", "Save Me" and "Where You Are".

The Brave, Bold and Beautiful

Happy Fourth of July!

I am so thankful to live in the best country on the planet. What makes America great? It is a country founded by people who dared to stand for their beliefs and build a place on a dream of what could be possible--with God's help.

America is one of the few places in the world where boldness is celebrated and bravery is honored. It's what makes our country beautiful.

Let's honor the great Americans who came before us and the God who gives freedom to all. Live the dream.

Cool quotes of the day...

• "Inaction, contrary to its reputation for being a refuge, is neither safe nor comfortable."
  - Madeline Kunin

• "There are times when to be reasonable is to be cowardly." - Marie von Ebner Eschenbach

• "When you're frightened, don't sit still, keep on doing something. The act of doing will give you back your courage." - Grace Ogot

The Power of Your Presence

Does everybody have an inner geek? Or is it just me?

Have you ever had one of those moments when someone you thought didn't know you were alive says something nice about you or looks at you in a certain way and all you can do is look around and ask yourself, "Is he talking to me?" "Does she think that about me? Really?"

Let the blushing begin ...
I'm going to share a few of these moments from my life with you just to illustrate the idea that you never know who's watching you or what kind of impact you may be having on them. Some of these examples may sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but know that the inner geek in me is actually blushing a bit to write about them...so here goes:

• Scene One: I'm in the top floor of my company's global headquarters. I've just been surprised with an award for excellence that people at our company are only eligible to win once in their entire careers. I'm 26. I've worked there 4 years. And I'm having lunch with our CEO, my boss, my boss' boss and several other senior executives. One of the top executives at our company (who I didn't think knew I existed), turns and says to me, "I've seen you in the elevator and with clients and there's something different about you...you have this...this....presence."

• Scene Two: I'm totally stressed out (but trying not to show it). I've messed up on a big project at work. And I really hate messing up. I start apologizing and a coworker smiles and says, "Hey, you're Mary Poppins...practically perfect. You're allowed to make a mistake."

• Scene Three: I'm walking through the lobby at church after service and this (non-weird) woman who's my mom's age stops me. "You're beautiful," she says, "I saw you worshipping today and you just radiated with this real, genuine, inside-out beauty. It really blessed me."

Tying it All Together...

"Never underestimate the power of your presence." I don't remember where I heard this quote or who said it, but it's really true. In all three of these situations, I don't know if it was really me these people saw...or if it was God working in and through my life. At least one doesn't know me well enough to know for sure that I'm a Christian, but I think (and I hope) he saw Christ in me.

You might have these stories in your life. But for every story we know about, there are more--people who see our lives, our work, our service--and look to us as examples. Don't underestimate your presence, your words, your work, your smile or your attitude. Be the best you possible--and you'll never know the impact you have on others.