Commitment, Phobia and Purity

Yesterday at our young adults' service, we had a time to commit to purity--abstinence for those of us who are single and faithfulness for those who are married.

I'll start by saying that I'm really glad we encourage commitment to purity. It is an important part of living a life that honors God.

I'm not sure how to phrase this exactly, but it kind of feels a bit strange to publicly recommit to purity every year.

Here's what I mean--I first made a purity pledge when I was 14. I was committed to it then as a way to honor God, my parents and my future husband--and I'm still committed to it now. I think the annual recommitment may feel a bit odd because I don't, for example, get rebaptized in water or respond to a salvation altar call every single year. My original commitments still stand there--why should a commitment to purity be any different?

The fear of commitment?

Maybe churches ask people to recommit to purity regularly as a sign of solidarity for those who are making the commitment for the first time ... possibly because too many young adults are too afraid to commit period, so we use the power of positive peer pressure to help them take a stand.

In general, I think our generation may have a wildly rampant case of commitment phobia. Why is it that so many twentysomethings are scared to commit to anything--attending a party, working at a great company for several years (even if it's hard work), volunteering, going to church or a small group regularly, getting married? You name it--it seems like a lot of people in our generation have a hard time making and keeping promises.

... Or commitment-light?

Or maybe the rationale for the broad purity recommitments is because committing to purity is something people take lightly--and therefore, the recommitment is to start over again or to simply remember a previous commitment?

There are statistics that show that although the percentage of people who save sex for marriage is higher for those who make purity pledges (a great thing), it's still (sadly) way lower than 100%. I wonder if some view purity commitments like they view committing to volunteering or attending a party--as in, "Yeah sure--I'll stay committed. As long as it's convenient for me ... or until an alternative comes around."

Is there a cure for the fear of commitment and commitment-light?

Maybe discussions about purity should start with talking about the power of a promise kept.

Personally, I have been extremely blessed to have grown up in a home where I honestly can't remember any time when Mom and Dad broke a promise--to me, to my sisters or to each other. None of us are perfect. But a couple who has stayed happily married and in love through 32 years of marriage definitely doesn't buy into the idea of commitment-light. Their example has taught me that commitment may not always be easy, but it's worth it.

I know my life experience is an exception (even in the Christian community). Most twentysomethings have lives touched repeatedly by broken promises--in their families, in broken friendships or in failed romantic relationships. If someone hasn't experienced the power of "no matter what" love and commitment, it might explain why they are afraid of it ... or doubtful that it's possible.

Perhaps the cure for a generation plagued by commitment phobia starts with a greater understanding about God's character--and the fact that He always keeps His promises. Maybe some Christians haven't realized exactly how much God is into commitments with us. And though some of His commitments (like salvation) have to do mostly with His grace, others are more dependent on our obedience.

One thing I know for sure is that God always outgives me. Obedience may seem demanding at times, but the rewards God promises--things like long life, prosperity and wisdom--always outweigh the costs.

I Think I'm Falling...

It's 5:00 AM on Thursday. I wake up feeling really warm and dizzy. A few minutes later, I find myself collapsed on my bathroom floor. Somehow, I work up strength to crawl to my sink, grab a cold washcloth and crawl back to bed.



Later that morning, I wake up with vague memories of my fall, a twisted ankle, bruised elbow (did I land on it? hit it on the bathtub?) and achy muscles. I'm sick. And when I get sick, I typically get knocked out (literally in this case).



I know--it sounds very Scarlett O'Hara, damsel-in-distress, right? But I think fainting may be God's way of telling me, "You have to sit still...sometimes."



When I talked with my Mom later in the day Thursday, she went into her protective mode, "Did you call for help?" No ... that would have been logical of course, but when it's 5:00 AM and I'm sick (and definitely without Starbucks), logic isn't my brain's first response.



My mind instead goes back to its natural instinct--and the "By myself!" mantra I probably had during my Terrible Twos.



I think "By myself!" syndrome is something that a lot of people have--and it's interesting because sometimes it can be good, and other times, it's definitely not. People who live with the "By myself!" instinct tend to be responsible, take ownership, and work well independently. But we can also endanger ourselves by taking on too much and not saying "no" when we should.


I have to remind myself that saving the world is God's job--not mine. And that it's okay...even necessary...to ask for help sometimes--whether I'm semiconscious on my bathroom floor or overloaded with too much stress, work or other stuff that can take over my life.


It's a lesson I need to learn now before Mom buys me one of those oh-so-attractive "Life Alert" buttons (which she jokingly suggested). I refuse to accessorize like Flava Flave...but some diamond grills could be cool (okay, maybe not). :)

Lead by Love...and The Beast

This past Saturday I was exiting Target, happily leaving with a birthday present, two multi-packs of perppermint Orbit gum (my fave) and a new hair dryer when this woman stopped me. She handed me a pamphlet which I later recognized as a Christian track. She didn't say anything to me, so I simply took it and threw it in my shopping bag.

When I got home, I took the pamphlet out of the bag and decided to take a closer look. The result was both disturbing ... and kind of hilarious, so I thought I'd share some of the pictures in this track with you.

"The Beast"

Here is the cover:

It's hard to see here, but all three of these people (including the baby) have "666" imprinted on their foreheads and the woman in this picture is crying. Wow.

Let's imagine for a second that I was a non-Christian, happy Target shopper twenty-something. Would I really want to read this disturbing looking booklet?!?

Here's a page from the inside:

Okay, aside from the cheesy artwork, does this picture above really represent "Life as it is today"? I'm thinking no. But wait...there's more:

Yes, the world may be messed up. But when was the last time you really saw someone shouting, "I have the power...Lucifer is Lord!" in the middle of a restaurant? Anyone?

And if a non-Christian was reading this, do most of them know anything about Noah besides the fact that he had a big wooden boat? Why would they even care whether or not "Today's conditions are the same as it was in the days of Noah"?

And yet one more picture:

Yes, these are real verses from the Bible. But the pictures are really scary. And then there's my favorite part--the mini commercial at the bottom for another lovely track by the same company who produced this masterpiece.

Lead by Love

Joking aside--this approach to witnessing bugged me and here's why:

• It was impersonal.
  
  The woman who handed me this track didn't know me or care to try and get to know me. She didn't even say, "Hi. What's your name?" before handing me a disturbing piece of literature that attempted to change my worldview and eternal destiny.
  
  
• It's irrelevant.
  
  Yes, this booklet includes things based on Scripture. But the presentation (a tacky black-and-white booklet) and representation of today's society don't ring true with 99.9% of people. And to a non-Christian, a lot of it looks kind of far-fetched and kooky (there are other drawings of wolves wearing clothes, angels and flying scorpions).
  
  
• It was designed to motivate out of fear.
  
  The key pitch of this booklet is, "The world is evil and scary. Accept Christ so you can go to heaven." That might be true--but is it an approach that connects with most people? It is an approach filled with hope and love?
  

It would be easy to judge the woman who handed me "The Beast" and her style of witnessing. But I'm sure there have been times when I've been impersonal or irrelevant to someone, too.

This experience made me again realize the importance of leading by love, as Jesus did. Caring about people, listening to them and getting to know them. Exemplifying hope, love and compassion. Because something tells me He wouldn't walk up to a stranger, hand them "The Beast" and walk away.

Why I Heart Dave Barnes

I pretty much love Dave Barnes. Not only is he a fantastic singer/songwriter/guitar player, but he's also stinkin' hilarious. :) Check out this video in celebration of Balumtine'th Day (Valentine's Day for everyone else). It seriously cracked me up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81HmfmL1P5Q

Love Song for No One

John Mayer has this song called "Love Song For No One" and somehow I found myself writing something that feels like that.

Sometimes I think I write from this kaleidoscope of memories or pictures in my head. I sometimes write and then afterward wonder, "Is that something I feel? Was it something I felt? Based on things I've heard from friends? Saw in a movie?" And the truth is, sometimes it's a weird hodgepodge of all of those things.

So here's my random Love Song for No One--I don't think it's complete and I don't know exactly why I wrote it (you will NOT find me singing at an open mic/karaoke night any time soon). But here it is--just for the fun of it.

Verse

I've known you quite awhile.

Can't believe my heart smiles

just to see you--

just to be with you.

You laugh at all my crazy jokes and

fell in love with my crazy folks.

They adore you.

I adore you.

There's one thing I know for sure--

there's something I need to know.

Chorus

Do you see diamonds in the dust?

Or dust in diamonds?

I'm not talking about Screech.

I'm talking about life, love.

How do you see me?

'Cause I don't want to be a man's best friend.

I want to be the girl who holds his hand.

It all depends--how do you see me?

It all depends--do you see me?

Starbucks Quote for My Musician Friends

I got my coffee this morning at Starbucks and saw this quote on the cup that made me smile:

"Playing in an independent rock band will eventually make you equal parts truck driver, gladiator and mule. Glamour is for those with trust funds."

Neko Case, Musician

Top 5 Rejected Valentine's Day Cards at the Retirement Home

I have Valentine's Day plans this year with a mystery man--at a seniors' center. :) Yup, a bunch of us are making cards and paying a visit to our friends at People's Retirement Home. Will I be the trophy girlfriend of the day? I think this may be fun ...

So here are a few of my favorite (completely fictional) cards. (Yes, they are a little cheesy, but it's late--and I do really love older and wiser people):

Top 5 Rejected Valentine's Day Cards at the Retirement Home

5. My heart beats for you--as long I take my meds.

4. Will you be my Valentine? I don't have chocolate, but promise to give you Jell-o and tapioca pudding. Forever. (I seriously might fall for this one when I'm 80).

3. Some may say I have a screw loose, but I love you more than prune juice.

2. I Depend on you.

1. Roses are red, violets are blue.
Your teeth may be missing,
but I still love you.

10 Things Christian Girls Should Know About Dating

Last year, I wrote a post titled the "10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating" (which I honestly had a lot of fun writing!). In the spirit of fairness, I thought it would also be fun to write about things us girls should know as well.

This post is based on things I've learned myself, things from girls who have made great decisions, those who've learned from their mistakes and a few (brave!) candid guys I've heard from over the years. And I'm still learning. So here goes:

1. Be what you want.

Okay, so this one is identical to my number one in the post for guys, but I'll recap. It's a simple principle--but applies to all of us in any type of relationship. If you want someone who's smart and interesting, be smart and interesting yourself. If you want someone who loves God and church, live your faith and be an active part of your church.

2. Don't expect Prince Christian McDreamy ...

Romantic comedies have trained some of us to look for the amazing Christian Ben Affleck-lookalike who is musical like John Mayer, charming like George Clooney, funny like Steve Carrell, smart like Bill Gates and miraculously single with a great job and a perfect family. If you know this guy, please give him my number. :)

Okay, joking aside--nobody's perfect. And besides, if this guy really existed, he'd probably go for the amazing Christian Angelina Jolie-lookalike who is funny like Will Ferrell, athletic like Anna Kournikova, creative in the kitchen like Martha Stewart, sweet like Kelly Ripa and miraculously single with a great job and perfect family (sorry guys--she's a myth, too).

3. ... But don't settle for someone who doesn't meet your non-negotiable standards.

There are too many Christian women on this planet who, out of fear, settle for guys who aren't committed to God, church or some basic non-negotiables (you know, like treating women with respect). Fear of being alone or a lack of security sometimes leads women to settle for guys who are dishonest, lazy or wishy-washy in their faith. Move on. Find your security in Christ. Being in a bad relationship is way worse than being single.

4. Don't be a Cling-on.

This one is somewhat related to #3, but there are definitely a lot of Christian women out there who are too needy. Some of it comes from insecurity or a lack of trust in your relationship. But being a cling-on isn't healthy for you or attractive to him.

5. Make an effort with your appearance.

Here's the good news--guys are probably less critical about your appearance than most of you are. They don't necessarily expect or even want you to be supermodel skinny, for example. That said--I never heard a guy say, "Wow! She's really hot," about one of those girls wearing plaid flannel pajama bottoms to class with flip-flops and a huge baggy sweatshirt.

6. Be a cheerleader.

Not (necessarily) literally. But be encouraging with your words. I think it's interesting that there are a fair amount of Bible verses addressing women and our words--encouraging us not to nag or to gossip. Our words are powerful and we can use them to build others up (which is especially important with the guys in our lives).

7. Find someone you can respect.

Based on a few things I've heard and read (see "Love and Respect" for example), guys have this thing--they want to be respected and admired. I remember talking awhile ago with a good guy friend of mine who said something like, "I can handle it if my job is tough or if people are rude to me at work as long as I can come home to someone who thinks I'm amazing ... someone who respects me."

8. Get a life.

Do yourself and your guy a favor and get a life beyond your relationship--spend time with other friends, get involved at your church or in different activities. It will make you more interesting and your relationship healthier (you will be less likely to be a Cling-on).

9. Smile.

Okay, so this one is related to a few of the other points but is worth its own space. Smiling is the easiest thing you can do to make yourself more attractive. It adds to the encouraging appeal of the cheerleader. But it also has to do with not taking life (and especially yourself!) too seriously. Us girls can tend to overanalyze stuff (if you know me well or you've read some of my other posts, you know I can fall into this category, too!). But sometimes it's better to just relax, make a joke to relieve tension, do something just for the fun of it or simply smile.

10. The most important: Love God with all of your heart.

Again, I had to put this one on both lists. If you love God, show it. Go to church. Participate in worship. Pray. Read your Bible. Love God and go after His plan for your life.

P.S. If you like this kind of stuff, check out some of my older (related) posts on some of these topics:

• The "Can We Just Talk?" series (Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3)
  
  
• 10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating
  
  
• Why are we herding ourselves?

What's in a Name?

A lot--if you asked Coke, Kleenex, Google, Madonna or Beyonce.

These short names have defined industries or pop culture. They've shaped our vocabulary as a society (When was the last time you thought, "I need a facial tissue" or "I need to do an Internet search for..."?).

Names also meant a lot in the Bible. Think about Abraham, Sarah, Peter or Paul (or look them up if you're interested.)

But what about you? What does your name mean? (Check it out).

I started thinking about this topic again yesterday when our worship team, just for a random act of fun, decided to share our middle names with each other. And then our team leader for the day challenged us to look up the meaning of our names.

My First Name, Pre-teen Brat Phase and Meaning

So I'll rewind a bit ... when I was growing up, I didn't exactly love my first name. I thought it was simply the product of my parents' former hippie days (sorry, Mom and Dad if you ever read this--you know I love you, but it's true). If you didn't know, my first name is a combination of their two names--it's like if Brad and Angie actually named their baby Brangelina.

People mispronounced my name and couldn't spell it. In my pre-teen mini-brat phase (does everyone have one of those?), I thought about changing it. At that point, I thought it would be cool to have at least one name that people could say and spell correctly--something simple to blend in with the sea of others--like Kelly, Jessica or Jennifer. But I didn't go through with it.

I never thought my name meant anything because I always considered it my parents' crazy creative outlet. But last year out of curiosity, I looked up both of their names to find the meaning of mine. To make a long story short, my first name means "She will add beauty" or maybe (my preferred version) "He will add beauty" (as in God will add beauty--see "Speech, Silence and Beauty" for more on that).

Connecting the Dots ...

And today, I looked up my middle name--another combo. name (yes, Mom and Dad really are that creative). My middle name, Marine, is the combination of my grandmother's names, Martha and Nadine. Martha means "Lady" (or "Lady of the house") and Nadine comes from a root word meaning "Hope."

Together? "Lady of Hope." And with my first name? (My own interpretation to actually make this work some sort of sentence) "He will add beauty through a lady of hope."

Kind of cool, huh?

Hope in Beauty? Or the Beauty of Hope?

So being the artsy and analytical girl that I am, this name search made me think about hope and beauty and what the relationship between these two ideals means.

As a culture, there are so many of us that place hope in beauty. We hope we're beautiful because ... well, it just seems to make life easier. We often put hope in beautiful people--as in, "Gosh, that guy is hot ... I hope he's a Christian, nice and funny, too" and even more seriously, we select the beautiful as our leaders. Statistically, there have been studies that show that beautiful people are popular beyond high school--they often show up in executive-level positions in corporations, they're the celebrities we watch in the media, can get paid more, etc. And as a society, we go to extremes to hope that beauty lasts--we preserve fine art, old movies, classic cars ... and our bodies through the "miracle" of plastic surgery.

But when was the last time you, me and our culture at large flipped the equation and simply appreciated the beauty of hope?

Hope may not be shiny, sparkly or skinny, but it is beautiful simply because hope is what holds us together.

Hope keeps us holding onto an extraordinary God who somehow cares about our ordinary lives.

Hope keeps us connected in relationships with each other. Every friendship, family and marriage is held together by some kind of hope. You hope you can trust the other person, that something good can come out of your relationship, that your life together will be better than it would be apart.

Hope keeps us believing that our future can be better than our past.

We hope for purpose, for meaning--that our lives will matter to someone, that somehow we will be remembered for something good.

I'm not sure exactly how to end this post except by saying that I want in some way "own" my name--to be someone crazy in hope who touches this planet with even a glimpse of Heaven's beauty. (I literally JUST remembered that I wrote the "Crazy in Hope" post back in the fall before I even knew my middle name's meaning--I think I'm seriously getting goosebumps).

And instead of putting hope in beauty, let's begin to believe that hope is beautiful.