Who am I...really?

"Who am I...really?" is a basic question that usually comes with not-so-basic answers. And I think it's a question many people...and even companies...are asking right now.

Take Starbucks, for example. It's a huge global company with thousands of employees, millions of customers and billions of dollars in revenue. But last month, I sat in a room with Starbucks' CEO Howard Schultz (yup, that's us pictured above!). It was a regular-sized Starbucks store with about 50 regular "Joe"s (and "Jo"s, too--if you count me!) in the middle of Lakewood, Washington--a town known for its strange mix of gangs, mansions and military.

Why was I there? Because Starbucks is searching. It's looking for ideas, feedback and even criticism from regular people--Starbucks is feeling a bit lost. For the first time in its history, Starbucks' profits are down, stores are closing and baristas are losing their jobs.

Likewise, I think there are many people in society--average "Joe"s and "Jo"s if you will--that have been shaken lately. They feel lost without their jobs, their savings, the "stuff" they can't afford anymore. Some have lost their foundation--a belief they could do anything themselves--or that money, a fancy title or "stuff" defined them.

In some ways, that questioning, that shaken spirit is frightening. It can be scary. But I also believe it could help people change their lives (or companies change their focus) for the better.

Why? Because sometimes we need to get back to asking and answering basic questions. Here's some that I hope people are considering:

• What do I believe?
  


• How are my beliefs reflected in my actions? In how I spend time? How I talk? How I spend money?
  


• What are my non-negotiables--the things I know for sure and won't compromise on?
  


• Who (or what) do I love...really?
  


• What am I passionate about? What are things I hate?
  


• What's my purpose?
  


• What are my strengths?
  


• What do I want to be remembered for?
  


• What do I need to get rid of?
  


• What do I need to change?

For those who love God, some of the questions should actually be phrased a bit differently. For example:

• What does the Bible say about who and what God is passionate about? Who does God love? What are things God loves? What are things God hates?
  


• What's God's purpose for this planet? For people? For the Church globally?
  


• What does the Bible say about how God views me?
  


• How can I partner with God--using the passion and strenghs He's given me--to fulfill His purpose?
  


• Is there something I need to change or give up, so that I can be the person God wants me to be?

I believe this season in history will have a serious impact on the destiny of people, companies and religions worldwide.

I hope that it's a season where Christians wake up, get a clue about who they are in Christ--and start living as people filled with love, hope and the confidence that comes from knowing the truth.

But this is not a time to be solely focused on ourselves. It's not a time to stay inwardly focused--because plenty of liars, false religions, cheap imitations of love and pleasure--will be on the prowl trying to "save" people as well.

Most importantly, I pray that we as Christians will be bold enough to start helping others ask the questions, search for answers and find truth in Christ and a family of believers (called the Church).

People are searching. This is a serious time for real questions...but it is also an opportunity to find real answers.

One thing I know for sure? Live the questions by pursuing truth with all you've got. Because God is the source of truth. And knowing Him--and the truth of His Word--is the only way to find freedom.

In hot pursuit

This week I was reminded of a familiar Bible verse that continually makes me smile. It was the special theme verse of my freshman year girls' dorm at Christian college:

"Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me..." (Psalm 56:1) *

LOL (3F girls that was for you!). :) Anyway, I was reminded of that idea after reading an article in Boundless (Focus on the Family's webzine for Christian young adults). The article is written for guys and called "Pursue Her." The author (a guy himself!) says:

Rather than saddling up the proverbial steed,

many guys seem to be languishing in the tower,

waiting for their princesses to stumble upon them.

I promise--this post is not a rant against guys.

Although it would be easy for single women to use that kind of verbiage to get on a preachy soapbox targeted at the guys in our lives, I think the core of the author's argument has broader applications for all of us--single, married, guys, girls, old, young. Let me explain a bit...

The author discusses a conversation with his 88-year-old grandfather about relationships. His grandfather pointed to Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."

The profound thing his grandpa said to him?

"Find is a verb."

What else does God want us to find?

After I read that, I thought, "What exactly does God want me to find? What are some of the other things God tells us all to pursue?"

This whole idea of active pursuit is interesting in light of common thinking in our world--like the view that, "Everything you need is found within." Wrong!

Repeatedly, God instructs us to find and pursue certain values or actions. I did a search for the words "find" and "pursue" in the Bible and found some things God wants us to go after.

So instead of trying to come up with a creative conclusion to this post, I'll leave us both with a challenge:

Find and pursue ...

• God (Deut. 4:29, Prov. 8:35, Jer. 29:13)
  
  
• Righteousness, faith, love and peace (Prov. 21:21, Is. 51:1, I Tim. 6:11, 2 Tim. 2:22, 1 Peter 3:11)



• Rest and refuge in Him (Ps. 36:7, Ps. 62:1, 62:5, 91:4, Matt. 11:29)
  


• Delight in His Word (Ps. 112:1, 119:35, 119:52, Prov. 4:22)
  


• Knowledge and wisdom (Prov. 2:5, 3:13, 24:14, James 1:5)
  


• Satisfying work (Ecc. 5:18, 9:10)
  


• Joy (Is. 58:14)
  


• What pleases Him (Eph. 5:10)
  


• Grace (Heb. 4:16)

* Note: The author recognizes this verse is taken completely out of context. In this post, it is used for illustrative and entertainment purposes only. It is not an endorsement to pursue stalking (eww...creepy!)--especially the kind that involves "God told me" messages or following a girl everywhere (almost including a womens' restroom). These are real situations that have occurred, but should not be repeated, authorized or attempted at home, church or work--especially by anyone who has the sense to read this post and this crazy disclaimer.

10 Things Christian Girls Should Know About Dating

Last year, I wrote a post titled the "10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating" (which I honestly had a lot of fun writing!). In the spirit of fairness, I thought it would also be fun to write about things us girls should know as well.

This post is based on things I've learned myself, things from girls who have made great decisions, those who've learned from their mistakes and a few (brave!) candid guys I've heard from over the years. And I'm still learning. So here goes:

1. Be what you want.

Okay, so this one is identical to my number one in the post for guys, but I'll recap. It's a simple principle--but applies to all of us in any type of relationship. If you want someone who's smart and interesting, be smart and interesting yourself. If you want someone who loves God and church, live your faith and be an active part of your church.

2. Don't expect Prince Christian McDreamy ...

Romantic comedies have trained some of us to look for the amazing Christian Ben Affleck-lookalike who is musical like John Mayer, charming like George Clooney, funny like Steve Carrell, smart like Bill Gates and miraculously single with a great job and a perfect family. If you know this guy, please give him my number. :)

Okay, joking aside--nobody's perfect. And besides, if this guy really existed, he'd probably go for the amazing Christian Angelina Jolie-lookalike who is funny like Will Ferrell, athletic like Anna Kournikova, creative in the kitchen like Martha Stewart, sweet like Kelly Ripa and miraculously single with a great job and perfect family (sorry guys--she's a myth, too).

3. ... But don't settle for someone who doesn't meet your non-negotiable standards.

There are too many Christian women on this planet who, out of fear, settle for guys who aren't committed to God, church or some basic non-negotiables (you know, like treating women with respect). Fear of being alone or a lack of security sometimes leads women to settle for guys who are dishonest, lazy or wishy-washy in their faith. Move on. Find your security in Christ. Being in a bad relationship is way worse than being single.

4. Don't be a Cling-on.

This one is somewhat related to #3, but there are definitely a lot of Christian women out there who are too needy. Some of it comes from insecurity or a lack of trust in your relationship. But being a cling-on isn't healthy for you or attractive to him.

5. Make an effort with your appearance.

Here's the good news--guys are probably less critical about your appearance than most of you are. They don't necessarily expect or even want you to be supermodel skinny, for example. That said--I never heard a guy say, "Wow! She's really hot," about one of those girls wearing plaid flannel pajama bottoms to class with flip-flops and a huge baggy sweatshirt.

6. Be a cheerleader.

Not (necessarily) literally. But be encouraging with your words. I think it's interesting that there are a fair amount of Bible verses addressing women and our words--encouraging us not to nag or to gossip. Our words are powerful and we can use them to build others up (which is especially important with the guys in our lives).

7. Find someone you can respect.

Based on a few things I've heard and read (see "Love and Respect" for example), guys have this thing--they want to be respected and admired. I remember talking awhile ago with a good guy friend of mine who said something like, "I can handle it if my job is tough or if people are rude to me at work as long as I can come home to someone who thinks I'm amazing ... someone who respects me."

8. Get a life.

Do yourself and your guy a favor and get a life beyond your relationship--spend time with other friends, get involved at your church or in different activities. It will make you more interesting and your relationship healthier (you will be less likely to be a Cling-on).

9. Smile.

Okay, so this one is related to a few of the other points but is worth its own space. Smiling is the easiest thing you can do to make yourself more attractive. It adds to the encouraging appeal of the cheerleader. But it also has to do with not taking life (and especially yourself!) too seriously. Us girls can tend to overanalyze stuff (if you know me well or you've read some of my other posts, you know I can fall into this category, too!). But sometimes it's better to just relax, make a joke to relieve tension, do something just for the fun of it or simply smile.

10. The most important: Love God with all of your heart.

Again, I had to put this one on both lists. If you love God, show it. Go to church. Participate in worship. Pray. Read your Bible. Love God and go after His plan for your life.

P.S. If you like this kind of stuff, check out some of my older (related) posts on some of these topics:

• The "Can We Just Talk?" series (Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3)
  
  
• 10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating
  
  
• Why are we herding ourselves?

The Friends and Family Plan - Part 2: My Circle

Part of the "Friends and Family" discussion in my small group led to later conversations about different kinds of friendships we have in our lives.

I thought I'd continue a bit with my phone plan analogy to talk a bit about different kinds of friends in my world...

My Circle

All of us have a circle of relationships in our lives. I think of this as the broad category of my relationships, including all of the levels listed below.

As the Circle Turns?

One important thing about my circle? It changes over time. Relationships can be seasonal--for example, I have friends from TWU who played a big part in my life then. I value them--I love them. But there are some I haven't seen or talked with since graduation. There are others who were probably "myFaves" then that may have moved into more of the "Speed-dial Friends" level. And that's okay--I've probably changed levels in their circles as well.

Similarly, there are people I don't know yet or who might be at the phonebook or speed-dial levels of my circle today who may become some of the most significant relationships in my life (my future husband is probably the best example).

My circle (and yours) includes:

Phonebook-level Friends

Think of this as all the people in your cell's phonebook. It's broad. These tend to be people I know and value because we share some common interests or experiences--classmates, other church choir members, co-workers, etc. A few things to note:

• All friendships start at this level.
  It's important not to discount relationships at this level because they good be speed-dial friends or myFaves in the making.
  


• Influence is limited.
  At this level, I can have some influence on others and they can have some influence on
  me--but it's usually not lasting (though it could be meaningful for a moment or a season) or at a significant level of depth. At the phonebook level, influence could also be more one-sided.

Speed-dial Friends

Friendships at this level are tighter. It's usually a level where you can handle about 8-12 relationships at any given time period--the people you have on speed-dial or your "top 8" (if you're a mySpace person). Even Jesus had a smaller circle at this level--the 12 disciples.

• Common interests & experiences + values
  My friends at the speed-dial level not only share some of my interests and experiences, but they usually share my values. In my life, they may not necessarily be Christians at this level (most are), but we usually share some key values--e.g. honesty, integrity, respect, ambition, optimism, etc.



• Influence is mutual.
  Here, both people have an impact on each other's lives. I think this is why making sure your friends at this level share some of your core values.

myFaves

The myFaves level is my "core" group of friends. For most people, the myFaves level has about 3-4 people in it (if we look at Jesus as the model, his 3 were Peter, James & John).

• Common interests & experiences + values + commitment
  What separates this level from the others is a mutual commitment to the relationship. It involves time. It involves depth and accountability.
  
  
• Influence is undeniable.
  These are the people who shape your decisions. When something big is going on in your world, they are the ones you look to for guidance (and they look to you in the same way). These people know you--the real you. They celebrate your success and stick with you through hard times.
  

A few more thoughts on my circle:

• Keep it open.
  It's easy to get stuck in a mindset of "us four, no more" or to invest all your time with your myFaves or speed-dial friends. On the flip side, some people have a huge phonebook of friends, but don't move much beyond that with the depth of myFaves friends, for example. As I said before, your circle will change over time. It's important to work on relationships at all levels.
  
  
• Recognize when a relationship changes levels--and realize that it's probably okay.
  I think sometimes people try to hold on too much to some friendships, while not investing in new ones. For example, when I moved back home after college in Canada, I had to push myself to invest in people here instead of trying to constantly maintain deep friendships with people scattered all over the world post-graduation. For me, it's important that I have myFaves friends I can regularly talk to or spend time with--and that meant other relationships changed levels.
  
  
• "God-assigned" connections come at all levels.
  In our small group series on "Friends and Family," our pastor talks about God-assigned connections--people you know God puts into your life for a reason. One thing I've seen is that God-assigned connections come at all levels--not just the myFaves/future husband level. Even acquaintances can be God-assigned connections--maybe people who inspire you spiritually (even from a distance), connect you with a new job or make you laugh at just the right time.
  
  
• Who are you allowing to influence you?
  Notice the phrasing--relationships all involve choice (even with God-assigned connections--you can choose to embrace or ignore them). Guard your speed-dial and myFaves levels closely. Choose people who will have a positive influence on you. Especially if you're dating--attraction + common interests & experiences aren't enough. If you're a Christian, dating someone who shares your faith and core values is really essential--it's not just another part of the equation, but the foundation of what your God-assigned marriage should be built on.

Can we just talk? Part 3 - It's a guy thing ...

In the final part of this series, I'll give some observations on three types of guys (and issues they may deal with) that lead to lack of clarity in co-ed relationships between Christian singles.

I definitely think there are at least two sides to every story, so I'm not trying to label or pick on either gender, but hopefully to shed some light on the way I see things ... so here goes:

• The Shy or Intimidated Guy

Sadly, there seems to be no shortage of shy or intimidated Christian guys. In a lot of ways, I feel sorry for them. They've probably been burned by mean-spirited girls/women/mothers (Christian or not) who disrespected them in some way. And so they're scared ... to talk to girls, ask them out, whatever.

But when it comes to dating, most guys have to sum up some courage (and most of us girls recognize that). It takes guts to make yourself vulnerable to possible rejection ... but if you can be bold at work, school or in sports, you can handle it. Anything in life worth pursuing takes some risk. Don't take the stupid DTR assessment from Boundless--just be brave and talk.

• The Weirdos

Then there are the weirdos. If you are a guy who women avoid like the plague, you might fall into this category. First, read one of my original posts "10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating" (March). Then, work at looking women in the eye (yeah, we notice when you look at us other ways), getting better at conversation and asking questions, avoiding comments that make others squirm in discomfort, and popping breath mints (sometimes it's the practical things!).

• The Charmers

On the flip side, charming guys have no problem hanging out with women. Lots of them. But if you're a single Christian guy with a charming personality, try not to lead girls on (yep, most of us have those romantic idealist tendencies I talked about in Part 2).

It's okay to be nice and friendly to everyone, but here's a tip if you're a charming guy: pretend your future wife is standing next to you while you're chatting with a single woman you're not interested in. If you knew your future wife was in the room with you, would you treat that other woman differently?

On the practical side, here's how that might look--if you're not interested in a woman and "just trying to be friends", don't regularly compliment her looks, invite her to hang out with you one-on-one, or give her "just because" notes/gifts/flowers, etc. It may sound basic--but if you do these things, you might be sending signals you're not intending to.

So what if you've dealt with these issues and you're still confused about a co-ed relationship?

Like my advice to other women, I guess I'd tell guys to again pray and seek advice from solid Christians you trust.

But unlike the ladies, you can take some action to initiate a relationship. I won't lie--it's definitely a risk. If it doesn't work out, your friendship may be different. But if you're both mature, you should be able to move past it. And if it does work out, you could have a great foundation for a relationship.

A Taboo Topic? Women and Money...

I'll admit it--I'm a writer for a financial services company, but I don't always find reading, talking or writing about money interesting (give me InStyle or Jane Austen any day!). But I recently read a book that may have changed my mind ... and made me realize how important my work as a financial writer (unexciting as it may feel at times) may be in the lives of real people.

Money: A Memoir - Women, Emotions and Cash by Liz Perle exposes facts about women and money--and how we as a society often relate to it. While I may not agree with everything Ms. Perle argues, I do think that the book presents some valid (and sometimes alarming!) information ... pointing to the need for people to learn more about money ... and for Christians to teach God's perspective on money to others (even if it's just our own kids).

Interesting facts, quotes and ideas from the book...

• "...More women will file for bankrupcy this year than will graduate from college, suffer a heart attack, or be diagnosed with cancer. More than half of retired women live in poverty."
  
  
• "Boys weren't told that talking about money was 'not done', immoral, selfish, tacky or just plain bad manners."
  
  
• "For boys and men, money and providing determine their feelings of self worth. Womanhood is still very much connected to a girl's beauty and to her ability to connect to others in relationships." (According to financial educator Joline Godfrey - as quoted in this book)
  
  
• "Women lack confidence and interest in investing or managing money. As a 2005 Merrill Lynch Investment Managers' Survey put it, the reasons come down to 'time and fear.' "
  
  *Personal sidenote: This is despite the fact that women have been shown to be as capable at investing as men. Interestingly enough, when both women and men are involved together in investment decisions, their returns are higher than when either gender makes investment decisions exclusively. See more.
  
  
• More than half of American women have no pension coverage (versus 25% of men). On average, women live 7 years longer than their husbands. Women comprise 87% of the impoverished elderly.
  
  
• (Probably my favorite quote in the book...) "I think we're scared of the power (of financial security). Power demands that we stand up and think and act for ourselves. It demands that we take up space, that we value ourselves. With power comes responsibility and visibility." (Money expert Barbara Stanley, as quoted in "Money: A Memoir")

Dear John...

Dear John,

I never thought I’d say this—but I’ve lost respect for you. I still think you’re a musical genius, gifted writer and witty conversationalist. I stood by you despite your messy hair and Kermit the Frog facial expressions. But I cannot handle who you have become—a golddigger.

Yeah, yeah—I know you’re not after Jessica’s money. But you’ve become the world’s new version of a golddigger—a man obsessed with blonde hair and shiny plastic personalities.

I thought you were above that. You’re smart. But here’s the thing—she’s not. Or if she is, she pretends to be stupid … and that’s worse.

Please avoid the Messica. Get out while you can.

Love,
Joan