10 Things Christian Girls Should Know About Dating

Last year, I wrote a post titled the "10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating" (which I honestly had a lot of fun writing!). In the spirit of fairness, I thought it would also be fun to write about things us girls should know as well.

This post is based on things I've learned myself, things from girls who have made great decisions, those who've learned from their mistakes and a few (brave!) candid guys I've heard from over the years. And I'm still learning. So here goes:

1. Be what you want.

Okay, so this one is identical to my number one in the post for guys, but I'll recap. It's a simple principle--but applies to all of us in any type of relationship. If you want someone who's smart and interesting, be smart and interesting yourself. If you want someone who loves God and church, live your faith and be an active part of your church.

2. Don't expect Prince Christian McDreamy ...

Romantic comedies have trained some of us to look for the amazing Christian Ben Affleck-lookalike who is musical like John Mayer, charming like George Clooney, funny like Steve Carrell, smart like Bill Gates and miraculously single with a great job and a perfect family. If you know this guy, please give him my number. :)

Okay, joking aside--nobody's perfect. And besides, if this guy really existed, he'd probably go for the amazing Christian Angelina Jolie-lookalike who is funny like Will Ferrell, athletic like Anna Kournikova, creative in the kitchen like Martha Stewart, sweet like Kelly Ripa and miraculously single with a great job and perfect family (sorry guys--she's a myth, too).

3. ... But don't settle for someone who doesn't meet your non-negotiable standards.

There are too many Christian women on this planet who, out of fear, settle for guys who aren't committed to God, church or some basic non-negotiables (you know, like treating women with respect). Fear of being alone or a lack of security sometimes leads women to settle for guys who are dishonest, lazy or wishy-washy in their faith. Move on. Find your security in Christ. Being in a bad relationship is way worse than being single.

4. Don't be a Cling-on.

This one is somewhat related to #3, but there are definitely a lot of Christian women out there who are too needy. Some of it comes from insecurity or a lack of trust in your relationship. But being a cling-on isn't healthy for you or attractive to him.

5. Make an effort with your appearance.

Here's the good news--guys are probably less critical about your appearance than most of you are. They don't necessarily expect or even want you to be supermodel skinny, for example. That said--I never heard a guy say, "Wow! She's really hot," about one of those girls wearing plaid flannel pajama bottoms to class with flip-flops and a huge baggy sweatshirt.

6. Be a cheerleader.

Not (necessarily) literally. But be encouraging with your words. I think it's interesting that there are a fair amount of Bible verses addressing women and our words--encouraging us not to nag or to gossip. Our words are powerful and we can use them to build others up (which is especially important with the guys in our lives).

7. Find someone you can respect.

Based on a few things I've heard and read (see "Love and Respect" for example), guys have this thing--they want to be respected and admired. I remember talking awhile ago with a good guy friend of mine who said something like, "I can handle it if my job is tough or if people are rude to me at work as long as I can come home to someone who thinks I'm amazing ... someone who respects me."

8. Get a life.

Do yourself and your guy a favor and get a life beyond your relationship--spend time with other friends, get involved at your church or in different activities. It will make you more interesting and your relationship healthier (you will be less likely to be a Cling-on).

9. Smile.

Okay, so this one is related to a few of the other points but is worth its own space. Smiling is the easiest thing you can do to make yourself more attractive. It adds to the encouraging appeal of the cheerleader. But it also has to do with not taking life (and especially yourself!) too seriously. Us girls can tend to overanalyze stuff (if you know me well or you've read some of my other posts, you know I can fall into this category, too!). But sometimes it's better to just relax, make a joke to relieve tension, do something just for the fun of it or simply smile.

10. The most important: Love God with all of your heart.

Again, I had to put this one on both lists. If you love God, show it. Go to church. Participate in worship. Pray. Read your Bible. Love God and go after His plan for your life.

P.S. If you like this kind of stuff, check out some of my older (related) posts on some of these topics:

• The "Can We Just Talk?" series (Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3)
  
  
• 10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating
  
  
• Why are we herding ourselves?

Can we just talk? - Part 1

So the other day I came across Boundless, a Web zine for college/career-age young adults produced by Focus on the Family. I periodically read Boundless because sometimes the articles are interesting, a lot of times I agree with them ... and other times, they make me mad.

(Case in point - definitely a rabbit trail you can skip if you're not interested: There's an article that basically argues that single women should not buy their own homes--that we're supposed to live with mommy and daddy forever until Prince Charming comes along ... or rent because home ownership ties us down or shows men that we don't "need" them because we can provide for ourselves--can you hear me gagging in the background?!? Here's a thought--isn't God's provision what we need and depend on most, regardless of our gender? And instead of caring so much about a guy's opinion, shouldn't single women care more about doing the best they can with what God has given them to honor Him? And wouldn't a real Prince Charming be confident enough to understand and admire that?)

A DTR Assessment?

Anyway, the latest pathetic brainchild of Boundless is an oh-so-lovely interactive feature called "Define The Relationship: A DTR Assessment".

Anyone familiar with college is familiar with the terminology of DTR (defining the relationship) discussions ... you know, the "I like you, do you like me?" or "Can we be more than friends?" kind of talks. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with the talks themselves--clarity is a good thing (though personally, I think it's probably better for a guy to be brave and just ask a girl out on what's clearly a date ... and just see how the girl responds and how it goes). Okay ... back to the main point ...

The weird thing about the Boundless DTR tool? It's a quiz to help people figure out if they need to have a DTR or not. Forgive me for stating the obvious--but isn't the point of a DTR to get clarity--and if you're not clear on whether or not you need clarity, how much can a quiz do for you anyway? Here's a pre-quiz they should offer to people using this tool ...

If you are taking a DTR assessment it means that you are:

a) too immature to even think about dating
b) overly analytical
c) all of the above

So Let's Just Talk ...

I think what bugs me about this quiz is that it's completely unnecessary. What would be better? For the Christian community to get real with young adults and for young adults to get real with each other. To talk instead of having a quiz about maybe/possibly/kinda sorta talking.

I think there are a few issues going on in the heads and hearts of single guys and women that may be adding to the confusion ... and I'll explore them in Part 2 of this topic.

More than words...

Words are important. As a writer, I'm paid for my words--how I put them together, how many I write and how I edit them. Words shape how people perceive me and how I perceive them. They can enhance my relationships or separate me from others.

But it's funny ... as important as words are in my life (and probably yours), I'm continually reminded that actions supercede them.

Walking the talk
Here's one example: Today I was reading a Seattle Times' story titled "Christian Leaders: Children Need Homes". The article basically points to the idea that prominent Christian leaders are encouraging believers to adopt and/or support children's charities. One of the key reasons? To answer criticism that Christians, while condemning abortion and gay adoption, don't do enough for children without parents...ouch!

The world is watching you
It brings up the whole idea that the world is watching you (even though you might not know it). Yeah, we as Christians may say we care about people, are pro-life, blah blah blah ... but who really cares what we say? As much as I believe in the importance of "messaging" and the power of words, they're meaningless without action. I can try to look good on the outside, have a great job and have things that are attractive to non-believers. But ultimately, people are watching to see what I'm doing with my beliefs.

Beyond our walls
To take it a step further, I think people are watching to see what we do with our beliefs outside the community of the Church. Yes, we may help kids by volunteering in a Sunday school class ... but what do we do to practically help kids or families in our communities? Kids and families that may even have a greater need for our practical help?

I don't really have all the answers. I really do believe church involvement is a critical part of my life and there's a difference between a good cause and a God cause. But at the same time, I have to ask myself if I'm doing enough to help the world outside of the Church...because it's a world that's confused, lost, orphaned, poor, sick...and in need of my help.