What NOT to say to Christian singles

I have some pretty incredible friends. And over the years, we've talked (and laughed) about all the weird things Christians say to singles.

So this post is a little commentary on what not to say to single people ... no matter how spiritual it may sound.

1. "All you need is a willing guy."

This comment was delivered to one of my good friends (who is happily dating now, by the way) in front of an entire graduate-level class at a Christian university where she (as one of the few single people) found herself the object of her classmates' curiosity.

This comment is wrong on so many levels--it basically implies that "willingness" to get married is the main quality my single friend should look for in a guy--but doesn't she deserve so much more? This comment implies that my beautiful, smart, fun, and amazing Christian friend is too much (or not enough?) for a cute, smart, fun and amazing Christian guy to handle--and that she should resign herself to someone who's just simply "willing." Ugh.

2. "Why is a great guy/girl like you still single?"

While intended to be complimentary, this question is annoying because:

• It implies that perhaps there's something wrong with the single person that's keeping them single (maybe ... but maybe they just haven't met the right person under the right circumstances).
  
  
• It implies that singleness is completely a choice up to the individual--as if one day you magically wake up and say, "I'm a great girl and I don't want to be single anymore" and then poof! Mr. Right shows up and wants to marry you. I've never seen it happen this way...
  
  
• Single people don't usually like to be reminded of their status. Asking this question is like saying, "Why does such a great person like you have X illness?" (and I used the word "illness" because I think that's how some dating/married people sadly view singleness).
  

3. "God must still be working on something in you before you get married."

This statment is probably true. But isn't God also continually working on all of us (married or single)? This statement implies that to be married, you must be completely mature (spiritually, emotionally, financially)--which is pretty much impossible with imperfect people. There are some things you probably should have in line before you get married...but it's impossible to be completely mature and perfect in every way.

4. "How old are you? You better get married soon before all the good ones are snatched up...and don't you want to have kids?"

Again, this comment implies that we are in complete charge of our (single/married/parental) status. Yes, odds are that "options" decline a bit after time. And most of us don't want to be first-time parents in our 40s. But isn't God bigger than any human timetable? Doesn't He know what's best for our lives? Speakers of these types of comments are not speaking out of faith, but out of fear or doubt in God's provision for their single friends.


5. "Singleness is a gift. Celebrate it."

Okay, I can see that the speaker here wants to be encouraging. Yes, when you're single, you have freedom to travel, volunteer more, make independent decisions, etc. But I don't think singleness itself is a gift--life is. Some people may feel called to a life of singleness (like the apostle Paul), but probably not the majority of us. If God put a desire in your heart to be married, you probably don't have that call. For you, singleness is a season. I think those of us in that boat should make the most of this single part of of our lives' journeys, but it doesn't mean we have to dig our heels firmly in and throw a (pretty lame!) party to celebrate singleness.

Can we just talk? - Part 1

So the other day I came across Boundless, a Web zine for college/career-age young adults produced by Focus on the Family. I periodically read Boundless because sometimes the articles are interesting, a lot of times I agree with them ... and other times, they make me mad.

(Case in point - definitely a rabbit trail you can skip if you're not interested: There's an article that basically argues that single women should not buy their own homes--that we're supposed to live with mommy and daddy forever until Prince Charming comes along ... or rent because home ownership ties us down or shows men that we don't "need" them because we can provide for ourselves--can you hear me gagging in the background?!? Here's a thought--isn't God's provision what we need and depend on most, regardless of our gender? And instead of caring so much about a guy's opinion, shouldn't single women care more about doing the best they can with what God has given them to honor Him? And wouldn't a real Prince Charming be confident enough to understand and admire that?)

A DTR Assessment?

Anyway, the latest pathetic brainchild of Boundless is an oh-so-lovely interactive feature called "Define The Relationship: A DTR Assessment".

Anyone familiar with college is familiar with the terminology of DTR (defining the relationship) discussions ... you know, the "I like you, do you like me?" or "Can we be more than friends?" kind of talks. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with the talks themselves--clarity is a good thing (though personally, I think it's probably better for a guy to be brave and just ask a girl out on what's clearly a date ... and just see how the girl responds and how it goes). Okay ... back to the main point ...

The weird thing about the Boundless DTR tool? It's a quiz to help people figure out if they need to have a DTR or not. Forgive me for stating the obvious--but isn't the point of a DTR to get clarity--and if you're not clear on whether or not you need clarity, how much can a quiz do for you anyway? Here's a pre-quiz they should offer to people using this tool ...

If you are taking a DTR assessment it means that you are:

a) too immature to even think about dating
b) overly analytical
c) all of the above

So Let's Just Talk ...

I think what bugs me about this quiz is that it's completely unnecessary. What would be better? For the Christian community to get real with young adults and for young adults to get real with each other. To talk instead of having a quiz about maybe/possibly/kinda sorta talking.

I think there are a few issues going on in the heads and hearts of single guys and women that may be adding to the confusion ... and I'll explore them in Part 2 of this topic.