Women and politics

I'm thankful for Hillary Clinton.

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin.

I know those two ideas seem contradictory--or maybe shocking to some of you. Let's be clear--I don't agree 100% with either candidate. But I hope both of them have helped pave the way for female leaders--in politics, in business, in non-profits and more.

It's not that I don't respect or value male leaders--I do. And I'm not some wild and crazy feminist pushing for women to rule the world no matter what their qualifications or values. But I think women have something unique to bring to the table, the boardroom, the pulpits and the podiums across the globe.

Do I think the glass ceilings are gone? All it takes is a look at the campaigns and media portrayals of Clinton and Palin to see that the glass ceilings for female leaders still exist in 2008.

Female leaders have been judged more on their personalities than their platforms--Clinton is labeled "too tough" and "too harsh," while Palin is "too folksey."

They've been judged more on their looks than their records--critiqued for their suits, hairstyles and eyeware. At one point (the early Clinton years), Hillary was "too plain" or "kind of nerdy", while Sarah has been dubbed "a hot babe" and "Caribou Barbie."

Part of me wonders if it is a "glass ceiling" or more of a "sticky floor"? In other words, are women held back by male chauvinism or do we hold ourselves back?

Here are some things I think we as women can do to help ourselves and each other:

1. Stop critiquing women you like or don't like based on their appearance. (And if you are a woman, include yourself in this category.)

2. For every compliment you give another woman on her appearance, think of something else you can compliment about her skill, talent, leadership ability, character, etc.

3. Know that you have something to contribute to whatever sphere of influence you have. If you're invited to a business meeting, speak up and share your ideas. You are a unique person with distinct talents, skills and knowledge to bring to your role--as a friend, employee, volunteer, wife, mother, etc. Statistically, a lot of women have strong "people insight," the ability to see the big picture, think creatively, express themselves well verbally--if you have these skills, use them.

4. Have confidence in your leadership ability. I've seen some female leaders who, instead of making small decisions they're capable and empowered to make, constantly second-guess themselves or try polling others--when their team members are thinking, "Can't they just make a decision?!?"

5. Learn how to delegate or challenge the status quo when appropriate. Sometimes saying, "I don't think doing X makes sense for our organization. Here's why..." can save your organization money, time and resources. Yet often, women seem to feel as if they are "order takers" who have to go along doing the grunt work for whatever task their (predominantly male) managers request.

On the flip side, sometimes managers are thankful to be challenged on their thinking--your diverse opinion and creative ideas may be a huge asset to them. I've heard some say things to the effect of, "I hadn't thought about that perspective before...but that approach really makes sense."

6. Don't be afraid to try new things. More than men, I think women can be held back by their own fear a and downplay their stengths--a deadly combination. "I can't apply for that job because I don't have the degree required" or "I can't go to college now. I have kids." If you have a desire or a dream to do something new, go for it. A lot of guys seem to have this competitive, know-how spirit (at least in the workplace) that helps them to advance--maybe it's the same trait that causes them not to ask for directions when they're lost on trips. :) I think we as women can learn something from their confident approach to tacking challenging situations.

7. Encourage and help other women to succeed. If you are a leader, be a mentor to the next generation of women. Help them to learn from your mistakes or challenges. Listen to them and encourage them.

Who knows? Maybe we can clean up that sticky floor.

Smart is hot

Awkward moments ... do you have them? (If you've read this blog for awhile, you know I do!) Let me tell you about a little awkward moment that happened today...

Here's the scene: I'm at work. I've just finished a meeting about a project with a colleague and my boss' boss. My boss' boss (a woman about my mom's age) turns to me and says, "I've just got to say one more thing...you are so pretty...those eyes, that smile. I don't understand why you're not married."

Awkward silence. I smile and say, "Thanks." (How exactly are single people supposed to respond to that question...especially in the office?)

"Pretty and smart...that combination just must scare guys."

I'll be fair and say that I really like my boss' boss--she was trying to compliment me. And I like compliments no matter where they come from or however oddly they surface.

But I will be honest--part of me is a little scared that her final statement may be accurate.

(Sidenote: I'm not saying I agree with her assessment of me specifically--to some degree, I think beauty and smarts are in the eye of the beholder).

But are people (and guys in particular) afraid of a "pretty" and "smart" combination? Why? And what in the world can we do to change that?

Can beauty and brains coexist? In a woman?

When was the last time you saw a woman on TV or in a movie who was portrayed as both extremely beautiful and really smart? Anyone?

For some reason, Hollywood has reduced most women to caricatures--you're either really hot and dumb (see Jessica Simpson and Pam Anderson) or smart and not that cute.

I haven't seen it yet, but there's a new movie out called the "House Bunny" that appears to illustrate this point. The concept of the movie is that there's a sorority of smart girls who are frumpy, out-of-date, unpopular and unattractive. Who comes to save them? The classic former Playboy bunny (read: shapely, thin blonde) who is also caricaturized (misspelling intentional) as an idiot. Ugh.

Can you imagine if men were constantly pigeonholed like that--as hot bumbling idiots or geeky brainiacs? At one point in time, African-Americans were portrayed similarly in the media ... and many are still fighting the stereotypes associated with those horrible portrayals. Why in the world do we still allow the media to continually portray women this way in the 21st century?

I wonder if some people have tried to stifle the beautiful power of brains.

How would the world be different if women were unashamed of their intelligence?

The media has shown us that it's okay to flaunt our sex appeal--but smarts? Not unless you want to branded as a woman who's crazy ambitious, witchy (or something that rhymes with that), unpopular or ugly.

I'm sick of it. So how do we turn the tables? Somehow, I think we need to convey the idea that smart is hot. Here are a few of my own personal ideas ...

Why smart is hot

• Smart women are kind to others. Contrary to the soap opera diva or manic businesswoman image, truly smart women are actually nice. They're kind to others because it's the right thing to do ... but also because they know that kindness leads to good relationships ... and good relationships are essential to any kind of success in life (with God, their families, colleagues, customers, etc.).
  


• Smart women are interesting. Let's face it--external beauty is appealing to people (and guys in particular). But physical attraction can only last so long. If a woman isn't smart, she probably doesn't have much of interest to say ... and that gets old quickly.
  


• Smart women make good decisions--take is as a compliment if they
  choose you. One thing I've heard repeatedly about guys is that they like to be respected and admired. But most smart women do not give away their respect and admiration lightly. If you're a guy dating or married to a smart woman, you can take it as a serious compliment that she has chosen you.

Smarts, like looks, vary...

It's also important to point out that there are several different kinds of intelligence. Most of us aren't geniuses at all of them. But I think it's amazing that God created us with different types of smarts--some have people smarts, others have creative intelligence and others may be just plain logical.

I just Googled "intelligence" and "types" and found this piece of interest--it talks about nine different types of intelligence!

In addition to this list, I would argue that there may also be a type of spiritual intelligence--a kind of inexplicable wisdom that comes from God, knowing His Word and applying it to your life--to the point where it almost becomes intuitive, where you're living in tune with the Holy Spirit and His direction.

And that's definitely hot.

P.S. I also previously wrote a related (more guy-driven) topic called "Why bold is hot"

10 Things Christian Girls Should Know About Dating

Last year, I wrote a post titled the "10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating" (which I honestly had a lot of fun writing!). In the spirit of fairness, I thought it would also be fun to write about things us girls should know as well.

This post is based on things I've learned myself, things from girls who have made great decisions, those who've learned from their mistakes and a few (brave!) candid guys I've heard from over the years. And I'm still learning. So here goes:

1. Be what you want.

Okay, so this one is identical to my number one in the post for guys, but I'll recap. It's a simple principle--but applies to all of us in any type of relationship. If you want someone who's smart and interesting, be smart and interesting yourself. If you want someone who loves God and church, live your faith and be an active part of your church.

2. Don't expect Prince Christian McDreamy ...

Romantic comedies have trained some of us to look for the amazing Christian Ben Affleck-lookalike who is musical like John Mayer, charming like George Clooney, funny like Steve Carrell, smart like Bill Gates and miraculously single with a great job and a perfect family. If you know this guy, please give him my number. :)

Okay, joking aside--nobody's perfect. And besides, if this guy really existed, he'd probably go for the amazing Christian Angelina Jolie-lookalike who is funny like Will Ferrell, athletic like Anna Kournikova, creative in the kitchen like Martha Stewart, sweet like Kelly Ripa and miraculously single with a great job and perfect family (sorry guys--she's a myth, too).

3. ... But don't settle for someone who doesn't meet your non-negotiable standards.

There are too many Christian women on this planet who, out of fear, settle for guys who aren't committed to God, church or some basic non-negotiables (you know, like treating women with respect). Fear of being alone or a lack of security sometimes leads women to settle for guys who are dishonest, lazy or wishy-washy in their faith. Move on. Find your security in Christ. Being in a bad relationship is way worse than being single.

4. Don't be a Cling-on.

This one is somewhat related to #3, but there are definitely a lot of Christian women out there who are too needy. Some of it comes from insecurity or a lack of trust in your relationship. But being a cling-on isn't healthy for you or attractive to him.

5. Make an effort with your appearance.

Here's the good news--guys are probably less critical about your appearance than most of you are. They don't necessarily expect or even want you to be supermodel skinny, for example. That said--I never heard a guy say, "Wow! She's really hot," about one of those girls wearing plaid flannel pajama bottoms to class with flip-flops and a huge baggy sweatshirt.

6. Be a cheerleader.

Not (necessarily) literally. But be encouraging with your words. I think it's interesting that there are a fair amount of Bible verses addressing women and our words--encouraging us not to nag or to gossip. Our words are powerful and we can use them to build others up (which is especially important with the guys in our lives).

7. Find someone you can respect.

Based on a few things I've heard and read (see "Love and Respect" for example), guys have this thing--they want to be respected and admired. I remember talking awhile ago with a good guy friend of mine who said something like, "I can handle it if my job is tough or if people are rude to me at work as long as I can come home to someone who thinks I'm amazing ... someone who respects me."

8. Get a life.

Do yourself and your guy a favor and get a life beyond your relationship--spend time with other friends, get involved at your church or in different activities. It will make you more interesting and your relationship healthier (you will be less likely to be a Cling-on).

9. Smile.

Okay, so this one is related to a few of the other points but is worth its own space. Smiling is the easiest thing you can do to make yourself more attractive. It adds to the encouraging appeal of the cheerleader. But it also has to do with not taking life (and especially yourself!) too seriously. Us girls can tend to overanalyze stuff (if you know me well or you've read some of my other posts, you know I can fall into this category, too!). But sometimes it's better to just relax, make a joke to relieve tension, do something just for the fun of it or simply smile.

10. The most important: Love God with all of your heart.

Again, I had to put this one on both lists. If you love God, show it. Go to church. Participate in worship. Pray. Read your Bible. Love God and go after His plan for your life.

P.S. If you like this kind of stuff, check out some of my older (related) posts on some of these topics:

• The "Can We Just Talk?" series (Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3)
  
  
• 10 Things Christian Guys Should Know About Dating
  
  
• Why are we herding ourselves?

Settlin', Strength and The Single Girl

It all started with a mid-life crisis ...

It's time for an intervention. My Mom and Dad are in a crisis ... a mid-life country music crisis. That's right--two people I love, the same sane (and amazing!) people who raised me, have an inexplicable newfound love of country music.

I have evidence--they regularly watch the music videos of their favorite artists. This summer, they went to a country music festival in Seattle (we told them, "No flame shirts allowed!"). And would you believe that after my Dad's heart surgery last year, his first music request was for some song called "Hillbilly Deluxe"? What has happened to turn the world upside down?

Mom and Dad are on a quest to convert my sisters and I into fellow country fans by introducing us to new-to-them songs and artists. One of Mom's favorites? A band called Sugarland. Yes, the name sounds a bit cheesy to those of us non-country converts out there. I would probably be drawn to the band more if they were named Chocolateland or something. :) But in all seriousness, I have to admit that some of their songs are actually ... good.

A song called "Settlin'"

Here are some of the lyrics to a Sugarland song called "Settlin'":

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything

And some strong single girls

The words to "Settlin'' came to mind recently because of a few situations and conversations I've had with different people. It all started when I saw this "good girl" spending some serious time and energy flirting with a "bad boy." Then there was a friend who told me that a guy said to her, "Guys are intimidated by girls like you--girls that are strong. Sometimes it's just easier to be with someone else." (And yes, I've heard similar stuff firsthand, myself.) Then there's another friend who is dating someone who has X, Y and Z qualities that are great, but doesn't have the same strong commitment to God or church (a non-negotiable quality for her).

And it made me wonder--how many people are working a job, in a relationship and living life in the status quo simply because it's easy, safe or comfortable?

It's never satisfying to dilute your strength, to cave in on your non-negotiable standards, to lose the core of who you are--for anything or anybody.

I really hope that in particular, the strong women I know never hold back strength in their personality, faith, intelligence or success because some wimpy guy is a bit intimidated by them. Flirting or falling for guys like that isn't worth your time. Instead of being scared or intimidated, they should step up, grow up and get some strength themselves.

I've seen enough great relationships in the lives of friends to know that the right guy will be strong enough to love you even if you're smart, confident or even if you (gasp!) are successful in your job and make more money than him--he might even love you because of your strength.

We're here on this planet to love God and to love people. To live in a way that honors our Creator by doing the best we can with what we've been given. You can't do that if you settle for less.

I'll leave you with a quote I found recently in a magazine related to this topic:

"Who knows
how many
wonderful world-changing, life-changing, fortune-changing or just day-changing ideas
bit the dust
because someone smart, talented and passionate
gave away
her power?"

~ Gail Blanke, "What are you waiting for?" Real Simple magazine. September 2007

Why Bold is Hot

So I was chatting with my sister the other day who happened to mention that a disportionately high number of single women volunteered at our church's recent BOLD mens' conference.

As one of those single women, I can honestly write that I wasn't specifically volunteering to meet or spend extra time with Mr. Right (though I'm not going to lie, it would have been nice...). :)

Honestly, I volunteered because:

A) I think it's important to support any guy (old, young, married, single) ... or any person for that matter ... who wants to grow in their faith.

B) I think it's important to "walk the talk" -- if we encourage the guys to volunteer at the womens' conference, us ladies should step up and volunteer for them.

C) I wanted to play Nintendo Wii and get a free henna tattoo. (I'm totally joking here -- but these were some side benefits of volunteering). :)

But back to the whole "Bold is hot" idea...

So why did so many single women sign up to help at the BOLD mens' conference? I think it's because the idea of a bold kind of guy is appealing.

It's true in the secular world, too. Just this past week I saw an article on MSN for guys titled "How to ask a woman out" (and of course I totally read it to see what "the other side" is hearing!). It doesn't talk about spending a fortune on clothes or a fancy car -- the article basically just encourages guys to be confident. And I found myself totally agreeing with a lot of its concepts.

But the idea of boldness is not restricted to guys ... us women should aim to be bold, too.

So what does a bold guy or girl look like?

• Convicted
  (No, this doesn't mean that you have to go to jail to be really bold!) - To me, this kind of bold is someone who has strength of character -- he or she is convicted by the moral standards of the Bible and by a desire to live a life of integrity (being who they say they are). It means choosing to live a life that is restrained by the principles of God's Word -- while knowing that real freedom is only found within that "restraint."
  


• Clear
  You know where bold people stand, what they believe, what they're passionate about. They don't play games or hide behind pretenses. Their intentions are obvious -- they go after what they want in life.
  
  
• Confident
  Bold people walk in strength and security. They're not cocky, but they have this cool kind of vibe -- they're comfortable in their own skin and they make others feel comfortable, too.
  
  
• Committed
  Bold people are committed -- to a cause, a church, their families -- something or someone they're willing to fight for. They don't waffle in the face of adversity or switch an opinion (those that really matter anyway) under pressure. They're decisive because they know what or who they're committed to.

Can a Christian woman be assertive?

To be successful in business, you have to be assertive. This past week, my boss and I were talking about goals, career path and things to work on when she said (something like) this to me:

"Everybody believes in you and speaks well of you.

We're you're biggest advocates ... the only one not speaking up for you is you."

And she's right. At work, I have a hard time saying, "I really want to be involved with Project X. Can someone else take over my current Project Y so that I can focus on X?" (I've actually never said anything like this.) And I struggle with delegating tasks to colleagues v. taking on the world myself. I probably don't say "no" enough to things I'm not interested in (and probably shouldn't be focusing on anymore).

I think part of me feels like it's selfish to stand up for what I want because it means another person will get stuck doing the stuff I don't. It seems that by delegating, I'm in effect saying "I'm above Project X--you take care of it" (even though that's not really my attitude). Or maybe it's because it seems irresponsible to start a project and not see it through all the way. Perhaps part of me wants to see something done in a certain way--my way--versus someone else's.

It doesn't seem humble to tout your own accomplishments to negotiate for what you want--maybe that's why I've let others do it for me. When other people call you a "star", the "go-to girl" and give you awards, it's easier in a way to sit back and and let their praises pave your way.

I think part of me is also afraid of being labeled as assertive--because I've seen people in the real world who are assertive (or maybe "aggressive" is a better word?) to the extreme of throwing values and respect for others out the window.

Isn't this lack of assertiveness common among women--Christian or not?

Yes. A lot of women are shaped by society to be compliant, easygoing, quiet order-takers who aren't necessarily vocal about what they want. Society has ugly terms for women who are assertive--and those labels sting some of us even today.

So what's faith got to do with it?

It may sound silly, but even though I know Jesus was a strong leader who delegated things to others, finding a balance between that strong leadership style and the Biblical principles of "servant leadership," humility and a desire for excellence (read: taking on tasks for my perfectionist self v. delegating) is a challenge.

And though it may not affect me as much as Christian women from more conservative backgrounds, there's still a false perception (based on verses taken out of context) that women are supposed to be "seen and not heard." Even some true Biblical principles about women (e.g. "helpers" in marriage) can be construed as "subservient to men."

Friend v. Leader - How do you find balance?

I've also been in the boat before of being considered a peer or friend versus a leader. And honestly, sometimes I've preferred those labels. It's pretty easy for me to empathize with others, especially people I like and respect. And besides that, being a "relational leader" can be effective.

But as a leader, sometimes you have to make tough calls, talk about hard issues and make decisions that aren't fun--especially when they involve other people's feelings or work (at a corporation or even a ministry team).

Thoughts? Advice?

This is kind of a weird post for me in the fact that I'm not sharing a bunch of answers, but just some thoughts or issues I'm thinking about. Does anybody else have thoughts or advice on this topic?

A Taboo Topic? Women and Money...

I'll admit it--I'm a writer for a financial services company, but I don't always find reading, talking or writing about money interesting (give me InStyle or Jane Austen any day!). But I recently read a book that may have changed my mind ... and made me realize how important my work as a financial writer (unexciting as it may feel at times) may be in the lives of real people.

Money: A Memoir - Women, Emotions and Cash by Liz Perle exposes facts about women and money--and how we as a society often relate to it. While I may not agree with everything Ms. Perle argues, I do think that the book presents some valid (and sometimes alarming!) information ... pointing to the need for people to learn more about money ... and for Christians to teach God's perspective on money to others (even if it's just our own kids).

Interesting facts, quotes and ideas from the book...

• "...More women will file for bankrupcy this year than will graduate from college, suffer a heart attack, or be diagnosed with cancer. More than half of retired women live in poverty."
  
  
• "Boys weren't told that talking about money was 'not done', immoral, selfish, tacky or just plain bad manners."
  
  
• "For boys and men, money and providing determine their feelings of self worth. Womanhood is still very much connected to a girl's beauty and to her ability to connect to others in relationships." (According to financial educator Joline Godfrey - as quoted in this book)
  
  
• "Women lack confidence and interest in investing or managing money. As a 2005 Merrill Lynch Investment Managers' Survey put it, the reasons come down to 'time and fear.' "
  
  *Personal sidenote: This is despite the fact that women have been shown to be as capable at investing as men. Interestingly enough, when both women and men are involved together in investment decisions, their returns are higher than when either gender makes investment decisions exclusively. See more.
  
  
• More than half of American women have no pension coverage (versus 25% of men). On average, women live 7 years longer than their husbands. Women comprise 87% of the impoverished elderly.
  
  
• (Probably my favorite quote in the book...) "I think we're scared of the power (of financial security). Power demands that we stand up and think and act for ourselves. It demands that we take up space, that we value ourselves. With power comes responsibility and visibility." (Money expert Barbara Stanley, as quoted in "Money: A Memoir")