Your office meets The Bachelor

“I just don’t think he sees the real me and all I have to offer,” she sobs. “I feel such a deep connection here, you know?”

Is she a contestant on The Bachelor? Or your cubicle neighbor confiding to an HR representative? In 2009, it’s hard to tell.

Is it strange that I’m comparing your oh-so-professional colleague to the sad caricatures on a reality TV show? Maybe. But perhaps there are a few things employees across America can learn from The Bachelor.

1. Look out for the claws…

On The Bachelor, contestants can get down-right mean. Believe it or not, some can be that way in the workplace, too (and I’m not talking about the Ghost of Pen-Stealing) . Your colleagues can damage your reputation, though they probably won’t pull your hair or throw a glass of champagne at you. (Well, unless you count that incident at the holiday party…but she was definitely drunk, trust me. Why else would she sing “Achy, Brachy Heart” in front of senior management?)

2. But focus on what you can control.

The best protection for the office claws? A team spirit demonstrated by your value for others. For example, instead of hitting “Reply all” on criticism of a colleague’s work, how about noting his positive contributions in a message to his boss? Be sincere. And perhaps someone else will return the favor.Other things you can control? Your attitude (practice saying, “Why yes, I LOVE TPS reports!” 10 times daily) and your contribution (actually completing those TPS reports).

3. Don’t dish about your “competition.”

Have you ever heard a whiney girl on The Bachelor complaining about someone else?

“Jen is just so…like…materialistic and into “stuff”, you know? She just doesn’t seem genuine. I don’t think she’s here for the right reasons… she’s not really here for you. By the way, did I tell you how much I’d REALLY love a Gucci purse for my birthday?!?”

Lesson learned.

4. Make the most of your one-on-ones.

When you meet with your boss or other managers, demonstrate a willingness to help them. Keep them informed of the work you’re doing and how it’s connected to the company’s goals. When appropriate, share ideas on new products, ways to keep or gain customers, or make things more efficient. It’s not about tooting your own horn, but focusing on the big picture issues of your organization and how you can make an impact (“I read about this new program that could help us complete TPS reports five times faster, giving us more time to focus on new sales.”).

5. “Will you accept this rose?” beats a pink slip.

Perhaps instead of handing out the proverbial pink slips, companies could hold mass rose ceremonies, celebrating the employees they’ve decided to keep? While this may be completely impractical, I do think it’s important for companies to think about celebrating their survivors.

At any organization facing layoffs, morale will be down, even among those left after layoffs. If the survivors represent talented people companies want to retain and attract, aren’t they worth some encouragement? And besides, “Jo, will you accept this rose?” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

6. Don’t cry (or spew your disgust) ‘til you get to the limo.

Have you ever seen the girl on The Bachelor who is crazy mad in love with the guy…until she’s dumped at the rose ceremony? Once dumped, she proceeds to unleash Snotfest 2009 on the poor chap while spewing remarks like, “I just thought you were completely wrong! You didn’t listen well! You didn’t get the chance to see the real me! And you kept Sarah?!? You are SO going to regret that!”

If you are ever laid off in the workplace, take a lesson from that chick. Do your best to contain the tide of tears. If you do cry at the office, refrain from spilling the other stuff…remember, your employer could be a good reference for you. And who knows? When the economy turns around or other positions open, you could end up working for there again.

7. Is it the “most dramatic” ever?!? Really?

If you’ve ever watched a season…okay, an episode…of The Bachelor, you’ve probably heard the announcer refer to the “most dramatic rose ceremony ever.” Typically, this happens at least once an episode. Likewise, if you are laid off, know that it may feel sad, depressing, or even devastating…but it’s not the end of the world. You’re still the same person. You still have the same family, friends, health and talents. And who knows? Maybe there’s a “stronger connection”, a better bachelor…er…job…out there for you.